The little old lady table

I've been relegated to the little old lady section of my local diner and I don't like it one little bit! It's liking having to sit at the kiddie table, only worse.

It's like "Sit here Susan. This way you can see what your life will be like in a very concrete way years from now." Of course I'm overreacting; however, I'm not sitting in that part of the diner ever again. It's just way too discouraging.

I know full well that I've chosen to be single at this point in my life, but there's something very discouraging about the prospect of maybe never coming to terms with the fact that perhaps I'll just remain......single. It's discouraging to think about. I've completely removed myself from the world of Internet dating because although it's been fun, making a connection is such a difficult thing to do. Maybe it's my personality type. Maybe it's my desire to not settle for, as Dean would put it, BTN....better than nothing.

Jeez....I went to the gym today, which usually makes me feel pretty good mentally, but wow...the little old lady section of the diner just really did me in.........

Cranberry Juice Cocktail

I spent the past two days thinking I was dying of some dreaded disease. Over the past few years every time some health dilemma rears its ugly head, I’ve given myself permission to overreact. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have a significant other in my life to keep me in check, to say to me “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not dying.” Or, who in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent might say, “It’s not a tumor!” Sometimes I just need someone to reel me back in when I’ve fallen into the deep end of the pity pool.

It’s not a tumor……it’s a bladder infection. I feel pretty stupid, but then again, I am the person who has bid my friends goodbye, mostly in jest (but not really), when having to undergo general anesthesia, convinced that I probably wouldn’t wake up again. My family usually remains blissfully ignorant of my hypochondriac moments since they know me and would be saying “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not a tumor.”

Part of this is that there’s still so much left that I want to do, that something stupid like a weird hospital infection, or “death due to not waking up from anesthesia” would put a serious crimp in my future plans.

And, for now…..I’m relieved to know “it’s not a tumor!”

The cost of sweat

Two weeks ago I joined my third gym in a little over a year. Finding one that fits in with my lifestyle has been a huge challenge since moving to the city. There are gyms all over…. you wouldn’t think it would be so hard to do.

By far my favorite gym was Ultimate Fitness in Patchogue. It was the first place I ever encountered TV monitors on treadmills, which I initially found annoying since they blocked my view of what was going on in front of me. It became a moot point when I began climbing random hills on the treadmill with my eyes closed though. There were however, times when someone would catch my attention requiring me to peek around the TV monitor in order to watch what they were doing. I have to admit that there was one guy I used to run into and surreptitiously watch as he made his way from one piece of gym equipment to another. One day he walked into the grocery store just as I did and I couldn’t help discreetly following him from aisle to aisle…..just to see what he was buying. ….and really, I wasn’t stalking.

After moving to Jackson Heights, I joined Evolution in Astoria. My daughter found them and I had this insane notion that maybe we would work out together. Unfortunately we had very different schedules during the week and that plan never materialized more than once or twice. During that gym membership year I made it there on average about twice a week, which was a far cry from the five or six times per week I went when I lived in Patchogue, yet better than “not at all” when I was a commuter.

When the Evolution, $54 dollar per month membership was up in December, I started hunting around for where to go next. My boss has a membership to the YMCA, which she raves about. So, off to the YMCA I went. I joined, even got a few weeks of free personal training which was considerably more helpful then I ever imagined it would be, and my boss got “free gear” for referring me. My strategy that time was to join something in downtown Brooklyn so that I could go there directly after work, only most of the time I never finished early enough to actually do that, or I had other, much more interesting “after work plans.” I also found it annoying to always have to wait for a treadmill and then be limited to 30 minutes on it, and then having to wait to use every piece of weight equipment too. And then of course there was the whole issue of my just not getting there at all. The only upside to that membership was that there was no contract, all you had to do was give 30 days notice and you were done having your account debited $64 dollars per month.

As of two weeks ago I ended up back in Astoria, this time at Planet Fitness, which I joined on line, sight unseen. Pretty ballsy for someone who likes to try out whatever they’re buying. At this point I just need somewhere to go that is not going to cost me a whole bunch of money if I don’t actually get there on a regular basis. I always have good intentions, but reality often intrudes upon them.

Today was the first time I went in search of my new gym. Up until now I knew the address and that was about it. I must say, I wasn’t hugely disappointed. So they don’t give you two towels per visit, there are no TV monitors on the treadmills, (which I struggled to figure out how to use), and the weight machines are really very basic and no where near as “smooth” as those at the more expensive gyms. I found that I worked just as hard for $19.99 per month as I did for $64…..after all; sweat is sweat, no matter how much you pay to do it.

Bandit

I had to put Bandit to sleep tonight and it was just so sad. She was never the easiest pet to have, but I loved her anyway. She truly belonged to me and wouldn't let anyone else hold her, or most of the time even get near her. I couldn't trim her claws, couldn't get her to the vet without tremendous difficulty, and she took off running whenever anyone came into the house, whether she knew them or not. Yet, she was completely devoted to me.......she adored me and I loved her in return.

Bandit and her two brother's appeared in our back yard on Long Island as little kittens. They would show up and sit at a distance, watching the kids play in the yard. You could tell right away that they were interested and curious. They were feral cats, born to a mother who I used to see skulking around, and who would take off the minute she saw anyone. I think that along with her looks Bandit inherited that trait from her too.

For a long time we had no idea what sex Bandit was and didn't find out for sure until we got them into a cat carrier and took them to the local animal shelter to have them neutered, which was when we found out that Bandit was a girl. Even though the three of them were still living outside we put them in our garage at night and made sure they had a warm place to sleep and food. Little by little we socialized them until they got over their fear and just wanted us to pet them and love them. We found a home for one of her brothers, and in the end, took her and her one remaining brother, Frankie in. Once they stepped through the back door they never went near it again. They were so happy to have a home.

Now the three of them are gone. It consoles me to think that we gave them much longer lives then they would ever have had if they had to remain outdoors, as so many feral cats do. We took care of them and loved them and they loved us back. Even Bandit, who could not help being a "fradie" cat.

I'm going to miss her dearly and already my home feels empty without her.

Happy....

VD Day, as Miles likes to say.....

Sort of writing, but maybe not really.....

I have not written anything of substance on here in quite some time. I've been thinking, mulling, thinking some more. I write a line or two, and then nothing else. There are about 12 Word docs saved in my computer, some with a few lines, others with a few paragraphs. Perhaps if I combined them in some way an entire piece will appear.

A Poem by David

My friend David wrote this.....it's the first time anyone has ever done something like this for me.
Thanks David!

Rapping with Susan from Jackson Heights
Learned she likes geeks many megabytes
Physics is sexy
As well as Olesky
And a cool blogging she does many nights.

A question

So, do you think Sarah Palin is "gonna" donate the designer clothes?

I'll miss...

Tonight I was going to the "History Meet up" group at the Sony building on Madison Ave....the same building my daughter works in. I was early, so I went up to visit Erin for a little while prior to the group starting. While sitting on her desk, chatting....she told me that she and her boyfriend have been talking about her moving in with him when her lease is up in June.

He lives in Syracuse.

She lives in NYC.

I live in NYC.

Intellectually, I know that she's going to have a life with someone, as well she should...and a family. And, I can honestly say I'm looking forward to having grandchildren too (as long as they call me Hunny.) Even understanding all these things though, I found myself tearing up when she said it. It's nice to be able to stop and see her once in a while on my way home from work, or spend a Saturday or Sunday with her, going to Trader Joe's or out to lunch. I will miss being able to do that. I'll miss knowing she's nearby, even though I don't see her even weekly.

One more thing to get used too.......at least I have time.

Conversing in a line

Tonight while out with my friend David, and waiting on line at the movies, we overheard the three women in front of us talking about the movie W. David happened to say that he'd heard that the movie was well researched and an accurate one about George W.

"They should have made it eight years ago, before the first election," one of the women exclaimed, and we all chuckled.

It was an amusing comment, and yet I've been thinking about it, and wondering if the outcome might have been different had George had a movie made about him then.

Shopping

I hate that sometimes I shop to make myself feel better. Not "big time shopping" though. Not like the shopping that people who have the "spending disease" do.

Yesterday, because I was upset by something that was not within my control, and really was not about me at all.....I bought some plants. On my way home from work I passed the florist on my corner and noticed that he had a whole bunch of Boston ferns outside...they were really nice and full and green. I was surprised to find that they were only $10 each, so......of course I bought two. My arms were pretty full of work stuff, so I had to make two trips to get them. When I got home and took them out of the plastic they had been wrapped in............they were the size of flippin' bushes! They're HUGE. The one in my living room takes up the space of a small chair. Although my bedroom pretty much has nothing but my bed in it, so that bush doesn't look as big as it really is. I need a tall person to come over and help me figure out how to hang them up. I have to find a tall person.

Tonight after work I bought a cookie sheet....in case I feel like making cookies, two bottles of wine, a Yellow Tail Reisling and Spring Splendor, by Pindar. It's a good thing I'm not a drinker, or having two bottles of wine might be a problem. From the liquor store I went to the corner fruit and veggie market and bought a bunch of bananas and some raspberries, and then went into Lety's, the very nice bakery/coffee shop in my neighborhood and bought some of those really hard-as-rocks cookies that you need to dip in something hot in order to eat.

Not what one would call a "comfort spending spree" probably, but somewhat comforting for me.

I just cannot help myself!

This is not a political weblog....but just I cannot refain from posting about Sarah!

Obama, McCain and Science

Please check out ScienceDebate 2008. Posted you'll find both Obama and McCain's answers to 14 important science related questions.

http://www.sciencedebate2008.com/www/index.php?id=42

Eve Ensler on Sarah Palin

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin............
"Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears.

Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them.

It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story-- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves.

She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan.

She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered.

The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently.

She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters.

I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet.

It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable forhumans.

It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack.

It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction.

It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing.

It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalismand aggression.
If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill."

I think of teeth when I think of drills.

I think of rape.

I think of destruction.

I think of domination.

I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent.

I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?"

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

As a woman, I'm offended

I have no idea who wrote this and a friend of mine thinks it a piece of campaign literature....but, it matters not to me. I'm giving whoever the person was, a standing ovation!

As a woman, I'm offended by John McCain's decision to select Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. It is clear that the decision is primarily driven by politics, by the belief that to get Hillary's supporters, all you need to do is play the gender card.

I respect what Palin has done in Alaska in terms of calling out corrupt politics, and I'm sure that McCain does too. But being a whistleblower and working towards a clean state government are not qualifications for the (vice) presidency, especially not in times like these. We need whistleblowers and we need people who will work to clean up the government, but we need so much more than that.

McCain is not a young man. The most important quality in a vice president is their ability to be the president should something happen. It's one thing to say that Obama is not ready because he hasn't spent enough time in Washington, but he has worked on issues at many levels and he is very well connected globally and engaged in global political issues. There's nothing that indicates that the same is true of Palin.

Palin is the Governor of a state with severe economic issues. What has she done? She played protectionist politics to keep a dairy company in business when it was clear that they couldn't compete and they still failed. Trying to protect failed business plans is not the path towards economic growth. Her current plan, although not yet implemented (thank god), is to destroy the environment and put at risk future generations for economic prosperity today.

As a woman, I'm offended. Women have long borne the responsibility to protect the environment and future generations. How can she turn her back on this to reap short-term political and economic rewards?

Palin marks her identity by noting that she's just a soccer mom. She is respected politically for questioning powers that be. She is respected by evangelicals for not aborting her son after learning that he would have Down Syndrome.

As a woman, I'm offended. Palin has the right to choose what she does with her body, and I respect her decision, but I also demand the right to make my own choices. Feminism isn't about aborting - feminism is about the right to choose and make decisions about our bodies based on what is best for everyone involved in the social context in which we live. A woman's personal choice alone does not make her eligible for presidency.

I voted for Barack, but I deeply respect Hillary. I am in awe of the work she has done and that she continues to do. In 1992, I would've (could I have) voted for her in a second over Bill. 2008 is different and I think that Barack is bringing to the table something far more important. My choice of Barack is not a diss on Hillary. For the first time in my life, I made a choice about who to vote FOR not who to vote against.

Palin is not Hillary. Palin lacks the experience, the connections, the political stature, and, most importantly, the deep respect for women and women's issues that Hillary has.

As a woman, I'm offended. I'm offended that McCain is choosing a woman who is clearly ill-equipped to be the president of this country in an effort to woo over Hillary's supporters. I'm offended because McCain's decision is one of the most misogynist ones I've seen in recent history. Does he honestly believe that women in this country are so stupid as to believe that any woman is a substitute for another woman? That all that us women boil down to is our XX chromosomes and estrogen? C'mon now.

Don't get me wrong - I want to see women in the highest positions of power in this country. But I don't just want any woman. I want women in power who have earned the respect and worked to achieve said power. I want women who are chosen because of what they have done, not how they look in a political power game.

I was expecting McCain to choose a woman. I figured that's why he waited this long. I was expecting him to go outside of the DC circuit and my latest musing was that he'd choose Meg Whitman. Sure, she'd be controversial as hell, but damn is she a professional power house. And, unlike Palin, she actually knows something about economics. Her experience as CEO of a major international company has given her tremendous experience that would complement McCain tremendously. She's financially self-sustaining and appealing to the economic conservatives that the Republican party lost under Bush. Sure, she's controversial and I'd hate to see that kind of corporate-ness inside the White House, but she's beyond qualified and capable. Palin is an entirely different picture. She appeals to the social conservatives because of her personal views, but she lacks anything resembling the qualifications to be president.

As a woman, I'm offended.
I wasn't going to vote for McCain before, but I had at least respected him and what he's done for this country. He's completely lost any ounce of respect in my mind. His decision to choose a vice president based solely on her gender is absolutely antithetical to every value I hold dear. Our sisters, mothers, and grandmothers did not fight for women's rights only to have a woman toted around as an accessory in federal politics. I am confident that Palin is a smart, compassionate, and capable person, but she lacks the qualifications, experience, and long-term thinking to be president. This isn't about DC. She hasn't even done anything worth mentioning in Alaska. For McCain to tap her for this position is just outright offensive.

On the anniversary of women's right to vote in this country, Hillary asked the crowd if they voted for her or for the people that she's trying to serve. In asking the audience to vote for Barack, she asked them to move beyond individualist-politics and focus on the issues at hand. My hope is that women everywhere took that message to heart. This isn't about getting a woman into the White House. It's about creating a future that we want to live in.

Backyard fireplaces.....

Tonight is one of those beautiful, late summer evenings here on LI, where I am visitng my family for Labor Day weekend. In my previous life we had a backyard fire place that on nights like this we would start a roaring fire in and sit around, drinking coffee and listening to the screech owl in the woods nearby. I would often have a fire, even on mild winter Sunday afternoons. I would sit outside with an afghan around me, smelling the scent of the burning wood and listening to the pop and crackle as it burned....my book and hot drink in hand. These are the sort of things I feel nostalgic about at times, and wish that maybe I could have again......that, and someone special to share them with.

Nostalgia..........it continues to tug at my heart.

The summer of '75

Lately I’ve been listening to B103, the oldie’s station out here on Long Island. I’ve never been one for actually turning the radio dial to an oldie’s station, yet when I hear those songs I always find myself singing along. Imagine my surprise to realize I AM AN OLDIE! I just never visualize myself this age, perhaps because I don’t feel as old as my birth year indicates.

This weekend is “The Class of ‘75” weekend on B103 and wow, I’ve heard songs I haven’t heard since then….primarily because I ‘m an “adult contemporary, alt rock, heavy metal, top 40” radio listener. I do believe I may have to add “oldies” to that list, now that the realization has dawned that at least according to the radio; I really am an “oldie.”

America, singing Ventura Highway, Neil Diamond’s Cracklin’ Rosie and Free’s, It’s All Right Now are just a few of the songs I’ve heard while out in the car today…..songs that now go back over 30 years, making me one freakin’ cool “oldie.”

I may be an “oldie” now, however…..I am one dame fine “goodie.”

(I do not lack for self- esteem.)

When I turned 50 last year my daughter very kindly said, “You know Mom, 50 is the new 40.” Since I don’t even feel 40, to me age really is just a number. However, those songs brought back to me how different my life might have been had I chosen to take the path with the arrow pointing toward “the unknown” during the summer of ’75, instead of heading down the one I thought was the safest.

A few years ago I veered off the “safe path,” although in the end it turned out not to have been very safe and I’m now traveling down the one marked “unknown.” It’s still very unsettling in many ways for me to be on this particular road; however I’ve found it comforting to from time to time, change the radio station to the oldies one, and let myself think back to a time when my life was not so complicated.

Isn’t it amazing how music can bring you back to another place and time?

Becoming a cliche'

While standing on line at Duane Read this afternoon, I just happened to look down at the items I picked up to purchase. In my arms was a bag of dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses, a bag of Mint Chocolate M&M's, a $.99 cent bag of Frito's and a package of maxi pads. At that moment I was horrified to find that I had become a cliche'!

I put back the M&M's and the Frito's. I kept the Hershey Kisses and of course, the maxi pads...which was the item I went there to shop for in the first place. I shared the Kisses with my staff though..... so as not to consume them all myself.

Perhaps this is sharing a little too much information, but hell, who really cares anyway. I thought it was rather funny at the time.

Speaking of old adages

I’m reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is one of my favorite lines so far…….

“Because God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)....”

Make mine Thin Mints, please...or no, maybe Samoas......or, how about one of each!

I’ve always hated the line, “When one door closes another opens.” The Girl Scout cookies seem like a much better option to me.

Train Travel

I was surrounded on my train ride home tonight by a large number of very attractive, very nice smelling men...............all of whom were gay! The Sunday evening trains are filled with gay men who frequent Fire Island on the weekend and do the same thing I do on Sunday night...return home. It was a train full of eye candy. When I got to JH, I discovered that I had missed the Queens Gay Pride Parade and a street fair that went along with it.....this was a day to be gay. (Well, maybe not really.)