Thursday, March 29, 2007

March Christmas Trees

Today is March 29th and there is still a 7-1/2 foot, fully decorated Christmas Tree standing in the middle of the living room in the house I'm living in. It's not my Christmas Tree though, so taking it down is really not an option, much as I would like too. It was even plugged in and sparking in all it's glory last weekend when I had a birthday dinner for my mother.

I suspect the tree might still be standing there when the air conditioners are turned on. It's a good bet that my brother plans to just leave it up indefinitely. Sort of like those people who carry their trees, decorations and all up to their attics, cover them, and then carry them back down a year later, plug them in and they're ready to celebrate. Only in his case you don't bother to carry it anywhere. It'll just stand in the living room all year long until people like me just stop looking at it and start to pretend it's not there.'s also 2 PM and the Christmas Carol Clock hanging in the kitchen just chimed "Hark the Herald Angel Sing." I've decided not to remove the clock until the tree comes down.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Jed and Charlie

I’m having a difficult time believing that Charlie Sheen is Jed Bartlett’s son. And yes, I do realize that Jed Bartlett wasn’t really our President, but over the past six years or so, there were many times when I wanted him to be…. and maybe even a few when I pretended it was so.

While driving to work this morning I heard on the radio that Charlie Sheen is narrating one of those “conspiracy theory” documentaries that would like us to believe that 9/11 was perpetrated by our government. (Probably the same bunch of people who want us to believe that we didn’t land on the moon, or those that say the Holocaust did happen either.)

Imagine all the “secret preparation” that would have to go into planning that. I, for one, can’t believe that something of that magnitude could even remotely be kept a secret by our government. Nor could I ever imagine a reason why our government would want to do something so horrific….. although I’m sure the makers of the documentary will have a theory. And not having any desire to know what it is, I’ll just have to remain in the dark.

I wonder what Jed Bartlett thinks about his son being an idiot…..

Sunday, March 25, 2007


Those of you who know me know that I am not a sports enthusiast of any kind. Once in a while I’ll watch a NY Mets game, but otherwise, I avoid sports pretty much like the plague. And yet I have to ask… cool is Stephon Marbury, Point Guard for the New York Knicks? Of course this is a rhetorical question since I would not be writing about him if I didn’t think he was very cool. And prior to watching 20/20 on TV last night, I only had a passing acquaintance with his name (and I really have no idea what a point guard is.)

There’s a lot to be said about a man who has a social conscience and who gives back not only to the community that he came from, but to others as well.

“He has been named to The Sporting News list of 'Good Guys in Sports' three times. He was one of the highest donors to the NBA Player Associations Katrina Relief effort, donating 1 million dollars to the effort. He currently has 7 barbers on hire in Coney Island giving free haircuts to neighborhood children.

Recently, Marbury partnered with Steve & Barry's to promote a line of shoes and clothing bearing his nickname, ‘Starbury’. Understanding the pressure that inner-city kids face to spend $150-$200 on footwear sold by other companies such as Nike, Reebok, and Adidas, his line of shoes will sell for $14.98. He will be wearing these shoes on court for the entirety of 2006-07 season. Marbury is not being paid to endorse the shoes, but will be compensated based solely on how well they sell. Now, Marbury has promised to give out a free pair of Starbury ones to every high school varsity basketball player in New York City.” (Wikipedia)

Barbers….the man has barbers on call to give children haircuts. And, he wears the basketball sneakers on the court that have his name on them, that only cost $14.98.

According to Starbury, no basketball sneaker is going to “make you run faster, or jump higher,” whether it cost $200 or $14.98. When an expert shoe designer was asked to cut apart and analyze the expensive shoe vs. his shoe, there was no discernable difference…imagine that? All reason enough for me to take up watching Stephon Marbury/Starbury and the NY Knicks play basketball.

If I’m going to watch a sport, Stephon Marbury is a darn good reason to do so. And for no other reason other than to just watch him run up and down a basketball court in a pair of sneakers that inner-city kids can afford too.

Saturday, March 24, 2007

All At Once

I love song lyrics. They're like poetry for me. I have a few songs posted on here, all that have some sort of meaning for me. This is my current theme song.

All At Once
By The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

Friday, March 23, 2007

Bi-polar Susan

I've noticed that this web blog is a tad "bi-polar" again lately. By that I mean one post is of the "up" variety and the next, is maybe not so up. I have to start working on that. The Drama Queen appears at times when certain things are going on in my life and she just has to have her matter how hard I try to silence her. I've stuffed her mouth full of chocolate covered marshmallows as a means to shut her up, but so far, it hasn't done any good. She can still type.

(I tend to write when the spirit strikes me, and usually that's over the head with either the happy or sad stick........ and sometimes, it's a club.)

Sitting in a train station

For such a large train station, the Jamaica Station has a very small indoor waiting room. The waiting area itself has just three ticket windows and one bench that sits against the far wall and that can hold only four people, a few automatic ticket vending machines and a little alcove where one can buy a paper or magazine and some snack items.

Sitting on the bench against the wall after her job interview in Queens, she watched a couple who were on the other side of the room as they stood waiting for a track to be posted. And while watching them, she saw herself and Harry as they stood in Penn Station three weeks ago. This couple, considerable younger than she and Harry but not teenagers, looked like they belonged together. And yet she knows full well how deceiving looks can be. To those observing her and Harry a few weeks ago, they too probably looked like they were together. And yes, in so many ways they were during those moments in time, and yet in one or two fundamental ways, they remain worlds apart.

She sat watching as the young woman, long dark hair and black coat, stood right next to the man she was with, and watched as their body language spoke volumes about them. She watched as they leaned toward each other, always seeming to drift into one another space… or as one hand would blindly search for the hand of the other and then hold it in a way that seemed so sweet to her. His arm would circle around her waist and he would run his hand up and down her back. She knows what all that feels like. She can close her eyes and feel Harry’s hand in hers, or his arm around her. And if she keeps her eyes closed she can feel Harry’s mouth on hers and remember what he tastes like.

She has observed Harry and herself as if strangers were looking at them, similar to the way she is watching the couple in front of her. She has this ability to look at them from afar, in an out-of-body experience kind of way. She first did this when they sat on the subway together, traveling to their respective train stations almost two summers ago, after their trip to the Museum of Natural History. She watched their reflection in the window of the subway and saw two people who looked as if they belonged to one another, and yet they did not. They held hands, they lightly kissed, and they did not talk much. She didn’t know how difficult it was going to be to say good-bye to him. Every parting with him has been difficult and she wonders if he struggles with the good-bye’s as much as she does? If she knew when the next “Hello” would be, maybe the goodbyes would not be so hard.

While closing her eyes for a moment to think about all these things, the couple she was watching disappeared. In her imaginary world, she sees them sitting next to each other, holding hands, traveling to who knows where, but the important thing for her is that in her mind, they’re together. Unlike she and Harry, who stand in train stations with their arms around each other, waiting until it’s time to kiss goodbye, and she, wanting so badly to know when the next kiss “hello” will be.

Friday, March 16, 2007

The apartment in my head....

This is in my vision book. Yes, I know....some of you are shaking your heads....and I don't care. I'm a firm believer that if you can see it, then it can/will happen.

I can see the details of my new home in my head…..cozy, subdued lighting that reflects the warmth of the rose quartz color of the walls I plan to paint my bedroom…that beautiful pinky/purple/dark lavender color that you can sometimes see when the sun is setting. The beautiful bedding on my bed, heaped with pillows, bookshelf headboard overflowing with all my favorite books. A print of The Young Martyr, by Paul Delaroche, serenly floating in the water and hung above my bed. (Yes, she’s dead, but she’s very peaceful and beautiful.) Plush scatter rugs around the room, a large wicker chest at the foot of the bed, storing the flannel sheets and extra blankets that I can’t fit anywhere else as closet space is very limited.

In the kitchen I can see the stainless steel measuring cups and spoons from William Sonoma sitting on the granite counter top next to the peach or plum kuchen I will be making because friends are coming over to visit. The white kitchen cabinets and stainless steel appliances in this vision, reflective of all the online apartment hunting I’ve done on Craig’s List. On the wall above a small kitchen table I’ve hung my Max Moran print of “Joy’s Deli,” and when I look up at it, it’s cool that I know *the Joy* who this deli is named after. The picture an ever present reminder of my not to distant past working with the *real Joy* and not in a deli I might add.

In the living room I can see sea shells, a clump of barnacles and a star fish sitting on top of the dark wooden book shelf I got from Paul and Brooke at our yard sale, and in one corner, the white wooden rocking chair with a tapestry throw in a garden design, draped over the arm of it, and where I sit to read, or talk on the phone……a standing floor lamp with a stained glass shade right behind it. The walls of my living room are painted a sienna color, or possibly even a sunflower yellow. Who would have thought that I, a person so drawn to cool colors, would want to paint everything in shades of warmth? An, apartment size sofa that opens up to become a bed, sits on top of an Oriental area rug that covers the warm hard wood floors that exists throughout this place that I live. (I need the sofa bed so that I when my various family members come to visit, they have a comfortable place to sleep…comfortable places to sleep are a must in this life of mine.)

This is a 1.5 bedroom apartment. The .5 part is an alcove space that doubles as an office/reading area for me. A nice size overstuffed chair in a floral pattern, with an ottoman sits catty cornered looking out the large door way into the living room. Sheer white curtains are hung from the doorway on a heavy white wooden rod and are tied back on either side with lengths of ribbon. Against one narrow wall is a small desk, just big enough for my laptop and crammed with pads of paper, pens, pencils, and my Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus, because I can’t spell, yet if I have time, I love to actually look words up, as opposed to using spell check.....

This is as far as this particular vision has progressed. I think there might be a fire escaped outside the kitchen with a pot of geraniums on it. I've bought the floor lamp and it's not stained glass, but it's really nice and I love it. It's going to stay in the box for now. And...Target should be delivering the two sets of book shelves I've ordered any day now. They sort of look like ladders...the shelves narrow at the top and getting progressivly wider as you reach the bottom. They too will hang out in their boxes until I can unfold them in this apartment.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007

The Secret...again

Tonight I actually watched the movie The Secret. Now I'm completely jazzed and hopefully it will last. My new writer friend Ron thinks it's all psychobable...but not me. I love this kind of stuff.

I realized after watching the movie that although I'm good at visualizing what I want, I worry too much, or think too hard about how it's going to happen. What I need to do is turn that around and visualize it all, as if it has happened.......and feel how wonderful it is!

So, I'm making a Visualization Book. It already exists in bits and pieces. I'm just going to put it all in one spot so that I can see it in a concrete way. I'm going to include the paint samples of the colors I'm painting my apartment, pictures I'm cutting out of the Pottery Barn catalog of the table and bed I want and all the other things I'm working to achieve.... including ideas for a book or two. You never know what will happen.

Of course I have to find the perfect book to put this in. It can't be just any book....after all, it's my new life we're talking here. I have a few that I carry around to jot things down in, but they are way to small to contain this big life I want.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

100 quotes from "The Secret"

WOW...this is two blog posts in one night! I'm not sure who I got these from. These quotes came in an email to me and I suspect that they were sent by my friend Jonathan...the same friend who recently sent me the web link to the movie. I actually tried to watch the movie online tonight, only to have it keep stopping. I've decided to just buy it on DVD. However, I do think it's just a little odd that I stumbled upon this Word Doc. tonight while searching for something else. Odd in the sense that not two hours ago I was trying to watch the movie...and here....I have 100 quotes from it. Maybe I attracted this....hmmmmm....

100 quotes from "The Secret"

1. We all work with one infinite power.
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA).
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting.
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think.
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.
6. People think about what they don't desire and attract more of the same.
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation.
8. You attract your dominant thoughts.
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it, etc.
10. It's not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can't have a universe without the mind entering into it.
12. Choose your thoughts carefully; you are a masterpiece of your life.
13. It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon).
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted-accept that fact-it's true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings.
16. We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories-good feelings and bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming.
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING.
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances.
21. You can begin feeling whatever you desire (even if it's not there)-the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience.
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception.
24. Shift your awareness.
25. "You create your own universe as you go along" Winston Churchill
26. It's important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )
27. You can change your emotion immediately-by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience.
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator.
29. Life can and should be phenomenal-and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction.
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly.
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your desires: "I'm so happy and grateful now that…."
32. You don't need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself.
33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW.
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you desire faster.
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt.
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there-ACT
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people, connections-PAY ATTENTION to what's being set in front of you.
38. You can start with nothing-and out of nothing or no way, a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time-the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen.
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that's what you wish). We make the rules on size and time.
41. No rules according to the universe-you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond.
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck, etc.)
43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point.
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude.
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately.
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about.
48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude-focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for.
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result.
50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future.
51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins.
52. Feel the joy-feel the happiness! :o)
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one.
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." Alexander Graham Bell.
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "what."
56. The 'How's' are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream.
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered-this is where magic and miracles happen.
58. Turn it over to the universe daily-but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process-high, happy, in tune.
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time.
62. Create a Vision Board-pictures of what you desire to attract-every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these desires.
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein.
64. Decide what you desire-believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you.
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already desire - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already-enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve." W. Clement Stone
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!
71. "Checks are coming in the mail regularly," or change your bank statement to whatever balance you desire, and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas.
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear.
74. We are the creators of our universe.
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you desire to be treated by others-love yourself and you will be loved.
76. Healthy respect for yourself.
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly-get a notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don't expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if your frequencies don't match.
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children.
81. You are the only one that creates your reality.
82. No one else can think or feel for you-its YOU-ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Immune system will heal itself.
85. Parts of our bodies are replaced every day, every week-etc. Within a few years we have a brand new body.
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the body.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself.
88. Learn to become still-and take your attention away from what you don't desire, and place your attention on what you wish to experience.
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life.
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you desire it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, to exist as well.
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won't be enough to go around. This is a lie that's been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of its own infinite nature. There's enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. It will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you desire and get behind the good feelings of all your desires.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don't desire, don't think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on them-remove your attention from 'don't desires'… and instead place them on 'do desires'.
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy. EVERYTHING!!!
98. Don't define yourself by your's the infinite being that's connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities-The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right where you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

Dinner with Harry

I went to dinner on Friday night in Manhattan with Harry, who I am so very drawn toward. We have danced around each other since July 2005. He has drama, and in a far different way than mine. And yet, I can’t help wanting to be with him. It’s very difficult to know, deep down in your soul, that someone really should be with you, only to also understand that it may never actually happen.

Harry notices things. Immediately he noticed the little diamond on the side of my nose and then commented on my hair color. We see each other so infrequently that I’m amazed he even remembered what my hair looked like, let alone noticed that it was a little different in color. He pays attention to things that I’ve said or written, and then asks about them. The key words here are “pays attention.” How nice to have someone hear and see you. It’s one of the most amazing things that has happened to me in the past few years….to have this remarkable man see me and to know that I too, can see him.

Harry and I had dinner at a Thai restaurant and I managed to eat the entire meal with chopsticks. I’ve realized that if you’re going to live in the city, then you have to master the art of eating with two wooden sticks. And I did it! And it was fun. We took our time, we shared an appetizer and two entrĂ©e’s and even ordered chocolate soufflĂ© to share for dessert. We both love chocolate and yet the most appealing thing for me was the fact that it was going to take a half hour to make. One more half hour, spent sitting across from Harry.

After dinner we walked down 7th Avenue, through Times Square and all the way to Penn Station. Walking with Harry feels right. It feels as if he has always belonged next to me. Either holding hands or my arm though his, we walked right next to one another with him singing an old Supreme's song as we navigated the crowded Friday evening sidewalk. And I tried hard not to think about the “saying good-bye” part. Even though he promised that we would see each other sooner, rather than later.

The “good-bye” part….always sweet and poignant in so many ways. Feeling his arms around me, feeling his mouth on mine and having such a hard time letting him go….not knowing what, if anything, will happen for us next….and yet for the first time, receiving just a little tiny bit of encouragement from him in the form of four words.....

“Maybe I’ll surprise you,” he said.

Please, please Harry….surprise me.