Men with small minds, and men with big hearts

Last night I deleted a post that I put up on September 1. I've never deleted a post before. In that piece of writing I detailed a very short dating experience I had with someone, the outcome of which made me feel less than adequate.

I am a 52 year-old woman who along with missing the emotional connection that comes from being in a relationship with a partner, also very much misses the physical one too. As an adult, I do not need someone to use "the L word" prior to seeing if we are compatible in the physical sense, nor would I expect that of anyone I was with. Of course the hope is that "the L word" develops over time. We are not 17 anymore, time is ticking by, and I for one do not wish to waste any of it. At this age we come with the life experiences that we have accumulated and they are either accepted, or not, by those we try to connect with.

As a rule I usually share this weblog with people I'm dating when I feel confident they are not stalkers, and if not right away, then soon after meeting. Because all of this writing is so much about who I am, I feel that if they read it and "get it," that's a good start. Those of you who do read this space know that I am brutally honest about my life and how it's been unfolding.

Today I am going to write about Internet dating for the second time in four years. The first time was the September 1st post, which I took down last night and will now past into this blog post again, and also these few paragraphs. I have noting to apologize for, or to be ashamed of, and taking down that first post was a knee jerk reaction to someone who turned out to be small minded, inflexible and petty.

Too big, Too small
(Not a story about Goldilocks and the Three Bears)
By Susan L. Greco
September 1, 2009

Quite honestly, I'm tired of repeatedly going through the emotional wringer, and yet I keep doing it. It seems that with each new dating experience, I get a tiny bit closer to being in a relationship that might be worth having, yet not quite. It's the "not quite" part that's killing me.

I don't often write about Internet dating on here, and never really talk about it with my family members. I don't tell most of my "regular" friends that I'm seeing someone as it never seems worth it, since "seeing someone," is usually pretty short lived. For the most part, it's JoAnn and Ron who hear about "the someones" and sometimes Susan, but not usually anyone else. However, I was fooled into talking about it this time and now I'm just one big mess of regret. Not regret for having dated, regret for having thought this time there might be real relationship potential with someone. I feel emotionally drained and I'm angry with myself that I let someone in and allowed this to happen. NOT only did I tell people (my daughter in particular) about him, but people who I know, saw him out with me. I allowed this person into my inner circle so to speak and feel foolish for having done so. All I can say is, I thought he was worth it. He was not.

Today I found some emotional support in the oddest place.....my gynecologist's office. She's this amazing, bright, young (but not too young) doctor, who was able to put my awful day in perspective for me and for that, I love her. She is now standing up on the pedestal with the rest of my very close friends. While my feet were in the stirrups and she was scraping around my cervix with a mascara brush, I told her how that morning I received an email from the man I was dating, saying that it wasn't working for him, in essence because he could not climax inside me.....because I was to big (not because he was too small)...... and he could not get the stimulation he needed to get off. (Yes, that was a bit blunt, however there are other details I won't share, that would have been even blunter...((is "blunter a word, I wonder?))

I went on to describe how other forms of "doing it" didn't really work for him either. Apparently experimenting in other ways was not something he felt was worth doing, or exploring with me. For most of the day I was the one feeling inadequate. I was the one feeling small. And, this is what my doctor told me, (and it wasn't something that I didn't already know, but it was something that I needed to hear someone say out loud....and the fact that she's a doctor didn't hurt.)

"The self esteem of men is directly linked to their penis, and the self esteem of women, comes from their heads." She went on to assure me that I was a "normal size" woman and there was nothing wrong with me, but that any man who would be so cold and crass as to say something like this, was completely self centered and not worth my time. I felt better. I no longer feel small and I according to my doctor, I'm not too big either.

Oh, how I hate this. And what I hated the most was letting some man who was not worth my tears, cause me to shed them. I have got to stop doing that!


Two weeks or so I started seeing a man who I really liked. I did not share this weblog with him, although I was not deliberately withholding it either. I wanted to share it, but had not yet talked about the particular incident that inspired me to write "Too big, Too small." In my mind, that very short lived "relationship," if it can be called that, was not a major event in my dating life and I certainly did not feel that I was "lying by omission," which is what I think he intimated.

Yesterday afternoon I got this email from him:

John Doe:

"Susan, I was looking for your Facebook page and ran across this blog, which I assume is yours: (He inserted the web address for the post above.)
I read some of your posts and saw "Too Big, Too Small" and I'm somewhat confused as you've told and written me that you have not been involved with anyone recently. ?"

Susan:

"It was a month of seeing someone once a week, who had issues. We slept together once, which also didn't go anywhere. I had some really nice dates with him, and was thinking it might have gone somewhere...but I would hardly have called it a relationship, and there has not been anyone other than that particular guy in quite some time. You can read back on the blog if you would like and you'll see that. I wasn't keeping the blog a secret and had all intentions of talking about that experience with you, but wanted to wait just a little while longer......since that experience I have been feeling a bit "inadequate," which I am not used to feeling....and have been reluctant to talk about it......."

......and being the wordy sort, I continued on from there for a few more paragraphs.

A short back and forth exchange ensued with this, the final result:

John Doe:

"Susan, One of the main things I value in a relationship is honesty, and I feel that you were you were not, especially in light of the things that you told me and wrote to me. My accidentally finding the blog post only makes the situation worse. I do not wish to discuss this, and I wish you the best in your search."

Down came the blog post.....and then my need to try and understand how I became this awful, lying person, kicked in. I did not email my women friends, knowing that pretty much all their reactions would be "fuck 'em." My anxiety ridden emails went to a few of my platonic male friends, who I cherish as much as my female ones. When it comes to how men think, I want a man's opinion.

Susan to Ron, Harry, Will, Dale and Steven:

I've had a few weeks of dating a nice guy. I had not disclosed my weblog because I've been feeling inadequate since having been with the "too big, too small" guy and was just not ready to talk about it. He stumbled upon the blog, read that post and accused me of lying to him about "past relationships." It's so easy to just walk away. I don't think I lied about anything and I was going to disclose the weblog when I was able to talk to him about that particular post. Needless to say, I learned yet another lesson the hard way. I deleted the post from the blog. I fucking hate men.

Ron: "Oh that totally sucks!!!!"

Harry: "Guys who walk away that easily and don't care to hear explanations are not really interested in a relationship anyhow. Good riddance."

Will: "Don’t you be sad. He most likely had a small prick too, and couldn’t own up to it. We all have a past, that’s just what we call life. Anyhow why the hell should you have to explain about every one you fucked to anybody? It’s nothing to do with anyone but you. People have to take us at face value, it’s all about getting to know someone, it’s an adventure.
There always comes a time in a relationship when secrets are shared, but not straight away. That’s the whole fun of meeting someone new and slowly finding out things about them.
I’m sorry you have lost this man, but better to find out now, than waste time on him. He was not right for you Susan. Just think of how many men there are out there? Half the population are men, and half those must be single, and half those singles must bein your age group. And half those in your age group would want to (censored) you, and so when you think about it, my lovely friend, those who would have a panting prick for you, must number in the thousands! So cheer up my lovely friend, and just let the adventure start once more."

Steven:
"I'm so sorry Susan
I know that nothing I say will really make much difference.....
But you were not in the wrong here. It's insane of any man to expect for a woman he just met to open her life and past to him after just a couple of dates. It's actually none of his fucking business if you had a relationship or not before you met him. The only thing any of us has is right fucking now. Today is real and tomorrow is just a hope. Yesterday is how we got to today. If he doesn't want to be with you TODAY......then fuck him. You're better off without him.

He doesn't "value honesty", he values his superior and smug ego. For some reason he feels threatened by something that happened before he even knew you. He must feel like he can't compete in the present so he tosses in the white towel before he risks that ego.
Fuck him......Fuck him....Fuck him.

I know that sounds trite and cliche, but it's the truth.
Look Susan...you have nothing to feel guilty about. The guy is a milk-toast pussy. Your weblog is funny, honest, and damn entertaining. Your willingness to put yourself out there makes you twice the person this asshole will ever be. The fact is that you are now, and always will be, way out of his league.

If you have to go with your brother as your date to your kid's weddings......big deal. You will still be the most interesting woman there.

I wish I could say the right thing here to try and salvage my gender's dignity, but honestly, men suck. I certainly wouldn't want to date one! As for giving up on the search for a good man.............I can't say much in favor of my gender. But.....if and when you find a good one, it can be magic. Is it worth dredging through the manure to find the pearl?
Hell if I know. LOL!!
Just know that there is a Texan that is very sorry you are sad tonight. And don't apologize for hating men. We really do suck."

Dale: "You really do have the worst luck. OK, time to concentrate on your new place, and wait for serendipity on the meeting guys front. You really do have my sympathy, Susan ..."

Support will come from my women friends, but right this minute, it's the men in my life who save me from myself, who don't let me slide into despairing that there will ever be someone out there worth having a relationship with. I adore them all and have a tremendous amount of love and respect for them.

The problem with.........

.........Internet dating is.........it's so fucking easy to just up and walk away...........there is no room to make a mistake, ever, even one made because sometimes things are hard to talk about.

Laundry Room Library

One of the perks of my new apartment building is the laundry room, which has a few shelves of books in it that I've christened "the laundry room library." While waiting for my clothes to spin for the last five minutes of the cycle, I perused the books on the shelves and in that five minutes, became engrossed in Passing For Thin, Loosing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, by Frances Kuffel. A woman who by the way, I wish I could be friends with. I feel as if I've gone on this fascinating journey with her and become one of her cheerleader's along the way, even though the book is now five years old. She makes some interesting observations about what it was like for her to loose 150 lbs and how she struggled to become "a girl," yet that's not the point I'm making today.

(I also liked that she lives in Brooklyn Heights, very near where I work.)

One of Frances' interesting observations was her take on Internet dating. Those of you who read this blog know that I do it........sometimes reluctantly because I'm afraid to give up trying altogether. That, and I'm hoping to find someone to have hot sex with again one day, prior to being too old to want hot sex. I can hear that biological clock ticking down the seconds.

"So, it wasn't that he didn't like me," she writes. "He did. But the Third Law About Men is that they don't know if they're There or not. They think they are. They will pay money to list themselves at Match-dot or the Right Stuff or in the back of New York Magazine, but it's a twinge of loneliness that fools them into thinking they are ready for the possibilities of a companion. Like a headache, it passes but you keep aspirin on hand. Just in case. "

Case in point. My recent six week email exchange with an anesthesiologist who lives in Westchester. He wrote a great Craig's List post that I was really taken with. Our email exchange initially went well, and yet the man has no time to schedule a chat on the phone.

One of his last emails to me was "Coffee? When?"

My response was "Perhaps we can have a phone conversation about that."

Things deteriorated from there to the point where I surrendered. If you can't find the time to pick up a telephone in this day and age when our phones are practically attached to us, what hope is there that you'll actually have the time to meet for coffee? And yet his post was all about finding that special person, the one so many of us Internet-daters are looking for.

"They think they're There," has been my experience time and time again. You go on a few really nice, and potentially hot dates. You like them. They seem to like you. The kissing is great. The sex is even better. They have job and are responsible. And yet when a potential relationship with you appears, they stammer away with some lame excuse because the reality is they're afraid, or not ready or really just looking for some casual sex without the relationship.

For a while I thought I was just choosing the wrong men to date. Men who thought they wanted to be in a relationship, but when one presented itself found they didn't have the time for one. Men with big work lives.

But........maybe it's not me after all.

RED email

I've gotten tired of receiving politically conservative email forwards, you know the ones I mean....they hit your in-box labeled "RED." I get them from one of my brothers and from a few acquaintances I have who must not have been paying attention when I was sending out my "Sarah Palin sucks" emails last year. In the past I would normally just hit the delete key, which is something I do regularly when my brother sends me forwards. I'm not sure what his motivation is, since I think it should be pretty clear to him by now where my loyalties lie. Maybe he thinks he can convert me?

Today I got a forward from a guy I went to high school with that sent me over the edge. It was a "What's wrong with this picture" email. When opened, there was a picture of a dollar coin with George Washington's picture on it and nowhere on it were the words "In God We Trust." I knew what he was getting at, but decided I needed to yank his chain just a bit. That, and he calls me "Sue," which is a huge no-no in my world.

My response started out with an innocent question (even though I already knew the answer), and a bit of humor.

Susan:
"I'm not sure why this is a problem? Not to mention it would be a bit difficult when buying a train ticket from the vending machine, since all they use to give you change are dollar coins."

A few hours later, this was his response.

Tony:
"Sue what will they take next"

(Maybe I'm being catty, but the again, the man refers to me a "Sue," and does not use punctuation.)

Susan:
"I'm not really sure who you mean by "they?" The English pound note has a picture of Charles Darwin on it.......and if not Darwin, I'd like to see Einstein on a dollar bill...instead of a pyramid with an eye on top of it, which I'm sure is some sort of mystical, religious symbolism. I absolutely believe in the separation of church and state.

I think we're at very different ends of the political spectrum, Tony. I'm very much a political liberal. I believe in evolution, stem cell research, global warming, a woman's right to choose what happens with her body and that homosexuality is not a life style choice, but driven by biology. I have an intense dislike for Sarah Palin and after the first year of his first term, could not listen to one thing that came out of W's mouth.

I believe that everyone has the right to decent, affordable health care and don't think people should loose their homes or go broke due to the cost of medical care. I do believe that more restrictions are needed in regard to immigration and that we should do whatever is necessary to protect people from terrorists though. I'm not exactly sure where that falls in regard to my political leanings, but I do want my government to protected me and those I love from zealots to whatever extent possible.

It's interesting how political ideology evolves. I am a political liberal........and one of my brothers is an NRA card carrying conservative Republican....with a McCain bumper sticker on the back of his truck.... and we grew up in the same household. My bumper sticker (when I had a car), read "Well behaved women seldom make history." My mission is to never be well behaved. My refrigerator magnets read 'Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. -Thomas Jefferson' and 'Run Hillary, Run!'"

I have yet to receive a response to my reply, but it should be interesting. I'm normally non-confrontational and quietly use my delete key as opposed to making waves with someone who does not share my political ideology. I don't send the die-hard RED people the political emails I find inspiring, quite frankly considering it a waste of my time. My brother is never going to become a Democrat, or a liberal, and neither is Tony. I do however, cherish the inspiring emails that come my way from friends with whom I share more common political interests. I try to hold my tongue when discussing anything even remotely political with people like my brother, since it's not really worth boiling my blood over. Yet, for some weird reason, today I decided to take a stand over something as small as a dollar coin. Perhaps I was just feeling like misbehaving.........

Movin' on up, the the upper-upper West Side

Having been very busy packing, and packing and packing over the past six weeks or so, I've neglected to write anything about my most recent move. I moved to Jackson Heights two years ago to live "in the city," which in my heart really meant living in Manhattan.....and last Thursday I made it here! How cool is that?

And, here it is, 5 o'clockish in the AM, and I'm up reading my email. It sounds as if there's a party going on outside on Broadway.....not something I took into consideration when I signed the lease. Who are these people and why aren't they home sleeping?? I'm thinking "white noise machine."

The move went well, and yes, I'm still unpacking and hope to at least have to bulk of it done prior to going back to work on Tuesday. It was really a lot of work though and I've decided that my kids are going to have to help the next time I do this...but....I made it. A bit tired and sore, but here nonetheless. I'm getting too old to do this sort of stuff by myself though.

Other than the fact that I've rented an apartment on Broadway, which apparently is just a tad sketchy up this far, it's going fine. I had the very expensive second "top lock" installed on my door yesterday, which considering all the activity on Broadway, I'm now feeling happy to have gotten. I've come to the conclusion though that my personality is really more suited for "the other side of the cliff," the side that the Cloisters is located on. I suspect that's where I'll probably spend most of my time. It's quiet and so, so beautiful.

I was loving the apartment until around 10 last night, when I opened the refrigerator door and a roach crawled out of the rubber gasket around the inside of the door. I was so shocked to see it there that it crawled back in before I could kill it. I just stood there with the refrigerator open for about 10 minutes, not knowing what to do, until I just closed the damn door and hoped it would die of the cold. I had such a problem with them in the other place that it was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to move. I had actually stopped cooking because I hated being surprised by them. I know that they're a part of city living that you just can't get away from; however, not in a million years will I ever get used to them.

So, for now I will resume unpacking boxes, but first I think I'll get dressed and go for a walk up to the top of the cliff, where it's quiet and peaceful. It's nice to have quiet and peaceful so close by. I intend to take full advantage of it. It's the best of both worlds....having the excitement of city life, and tranquility within easy reach...both in spite of critters like roaches.

Moving.....again

Well, here it is, almost two years from when I last looked for an apartment here in the city (yes, I know Queens is not the city, but to non-city folk, it might as well be) and I'm almost ready to start doing it again. I really, really, want to move into Manhattan.....it's where I intuitively feel I belong. I might end up in Washington Heights, which is Manhattan, although in the upper reaches, but at least it's closer to where I want to be. Maybe one day I'll actually make it to where I want to be, who knows.

Right now I'm thinking about packing. I went out and bought packing tape and could conceivable start with books....but, I'm still thinking about it at the moment. Once the spirit moves me, I'll get going on it, but right now I'm practicing procrastination, which is something that I don't actually need to practice. I have that skill down pat.

Will keep you posted.............

Senator Ted Kennedy

Just finished crying my way through Ted Kennedy's funeral. In spite of the drama surrounding his life and the demons he overcame, he became one of the most influential political figures of our time. His life was as tragic as it was inspiring and our world is all the better for having had him in it.

I doubt I will ever see someone of his caliber again in my lifetime.