Friday, August 24, 2007

The subway tour

This was one long day of riding the train and subway and somehow doing a tour of all the places I silently wept in last Tuesday night. I think it’s pretty damn amazing that I managed to find my way into Grand Central Station and on to every one of those subway platforms, with the exception of the N.

Having managed to only minimally email Harry this week, my resolve broke when I was in GCS and I text messaged him telling him how hard it was for me to be there, so close and yet so far away from him…..and how I missed him. Of course he didn’t respond, nor did I expect he would. I found myself in almost the exact same spot we said good-bye in while my heart was crumbling into a million little pieces. It was hard to be back in that moment. Especially since I have always hated the “good-byes” and that was such a final one. Maybe not final forever, but final in so many other ways. Ways that I will dearly miss.

I spent the day traveling to and from the Bronx, all the way up to Pelham, for a 1 hour meeting that they kept me waiting for. Getting there was easier than returning once I got past the Grand Central Station part. However, the return trip involved Miles, so getting back was just a little more complicated and involved me having to write direction on a napkin. (Miles is always trying to find a better way for me to get from place to place, which normally just confuses me more.)

After attending my much delayed meeting, Miles, who lives on City Island, picked me up and we went to Arthur Avenue for lunch. Miles has been such a wonderful friend and has been doing his best to distract me and cheer me up. Last Saturday I went to City Island for the day and we had a barbeque with a very interesting cast of characters (and, I’ll write about that another time…it really was entertaining). And today, it was lunch on Arthur Avenue. Arthur Avenue is the Bronx version of Little Italy, minus all the tourists. It was the coolest place, where you could buy pasta bowls and dishes from sidewalk vendors, and find authentic food, including fresh baked breads and pastries. And, there were people there who actually spoke Italian!

Over lunch was when I got the napkin out and wrote down the directions. Miles knows that I need all the directions, right down to the tiniest details, just to make sure I don’t get lost. It wasn’t until he was dropping me at the subway, which he thought was the 4, but turned out to be the 5, that the directions had to be tweaked just a little. It was on this return trip that I managed to find myself on almost all the subway platforms I had previously cried upon. I didn’t cry today…..but, I did feel really sad. It was a bittersweet, underground tour of my most recent heart break. I wish I didn’t still feel so emotionally wounded, feeling the need to continue to wallow in self pity and despair. (OK, maybe despair is a bit dramatic….)

I survived the “heartbreak tour,” and while doing so, think I figured out how to comfortably ride the subway while standing. The trick is to just relax and go with the flow. It’s sort of like standing on a boat; you have to sway with the movement. Jeez…I wish I could just go with the flow of my life. I wish I were not one of those over thinkers who carries an unprotected heart with her, everywhere she goes.

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Delete, delete, delete, delete.....

He said he had no idea she loved him. How is that possible she wonders to herself? Over the past two years they have exchanged hundreds of emails…hundreds. She’s a writer and in the thousands of words she’s written to him, how did he miss this? She was not vague. Today she is amazed that he says he didn’t know how she felt about him. It would have been almost impossible for him not to know. Strangers knew. People who only know her through her writing in cyberspace could tell that she loved this man. And he, who she has spent time kissing….had no idea?

This morning she awoke and used the delete key on her computer. She deleted the few pictures she had of him, deleted his website from her “favorites” list and deleted him from her AOL Buddy List. It was purely a symbolic act though. Let’s face it; it’s not like she doesn’t know where to find him, like she’s forever severed her cyber link to him. It’s not like she doesn’t have his phone number, or know where he works, or of a place she can go to hear his voice, even if it’s not her he’s talking too.

She deleted so it would be just a little less convenient to perseverate on him. To torture herself by seeing his face or hearing his voice. She wishes there were a way to delete this heart ache she feels. It’s been four days. She should be feeling better…right?

Unable to cry any longer, she feels numb and overwhelmed with sadness, and angry. Angry at his professed inability to see her standing out here, angry at his inability to see how much she cared about him and how much she wanted to care for him.

She deleted him from her buddy list...for now....for now the sound of his door opening and his name appearing on the right side of her computer screen, as if he’d walked into the room with her, is much more than she can handle. It’s hard enough having him walk across her conscious mind a hundred times a day. Seeing him in a tangible way is too difficult for her.

She could not have deleted in a permanent way though, in a way where you suddenly feel cold and clammy and think “OMG, I’ve just deleted something that I’ll never get back!” She still has his phone number and can certainly type in his web address. She’s trying so very hard not to let herself be weak. Not to let herself call, or text, or even go to a website and look. She’s trying so hard to distance herself from him and it’s one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do.

She's trying so hard to get to a point where it won't matter to her anymore. Where he will just be someone she knows..........

She gambled and she lost. Why does she insist on learning these lessons the hardest way possible?

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

"Leave love bleeding in my hands..."

“I love you,” she finally says.

She physically hurts from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She aches deep down inside, in a place she never knew existed.

“I love you,” she finally says. “I’m standing out here at the edge of your life, waiting for you, and I have no idea if that’s what you want.”

“Don’t wait for me,” he replies

“I want to wait for you,” she whispers.

“Don’t wait for me. I want you to have a happy life.”

“I love you. I want to wait for just a little while.”

“Don’t wait for me. I don’t love you,” he says.

And inside of her, her heart breaks…shattered into a million little pieces. Tears well up into her eyes and silently trickle down her face as her head rested upon his chest. She walked down this road of her own free will, her eyes wide open and knowing full well that she might end up in this place. This crying place.

It’s taken 49 years, 11 months for her to feel heartbreak like this. Almost like heartbreak over the death of someone she loves, only different and in some ways far more difficult, since he still exists in the real world, just not in her world in the way she wants him to be. She aches for him and for the potential that she knows he’s walking away from.

She said she is living her new life with no regrets and that she would never regret loving him.

He said that she was braver than he.

Silently she cried while lying next to her daughter, whose apartment she stayed at that night. She wanted to go home so that she could lie in her own bed and sob, hoping that if she did so, she might rid herself of some of this heart break.

He is not to blame for her tears. He was never anything but upfront about where he was in his life and his situation. She thought if she loved him enough, she could change that. She was wrong and yet she loves him nonetheless.

She loves him in spite of the fact that he does not love her.

She wonders how long it will be before she runs out of tears. She feels stupid being almost 50 and finding herself truly loving someone for the very first time in her life….. and now having to cry about him. But, living a life with no regrets means putting yourself in situations where you risk having your heart broken into a million pieces. She has no way to protect her heart….it’s always right out there for everyone to see.

She can’t imagine her life without him in it……..and she can’t imagine never being able to love him the way she wants to love him….

There’s a song on her iPod she cried while listening to on the train tonight. (Silently of course, so as not to appear to be a total nut job….in the past 24 hours she’s gotten very good a crying silently.) The song is by Fuel and the title is Hemorrhage (In My Hands), one line in particular speaks to her right now.

“Leave love bleeding in my hands….”

This is exactly how she feels as she stands here at the edge of his life, love...bleeding in her hands.

Saturday, August 11, 2007

Rumor mongers again...., I'm not going to post on the message board if I ever find it. The hell with the rumor mongers...why stoop to their level......I've written about here...have thought about it a bit more...and now I'm fine with letting idiots be idiots.

The rumor mongers

I have a passionate dislike for rumor mongers. You know, people who like to make crap up at the expense of others. I have a very good friend Kermit (I call him Kerm), who is going through a dramatic life change right now and who I will gladly spend all the time he needs, supporting. He allowed me to cry into my pancakes over Saturday morning breakfasts a few years ago and for that I will be forever grateful. He is one of a few men I’ve come to think of as my “platonic boyfriends,” and is by far my very favorite. In many ways he’s like the older brother (although not by much), that I never knew I wanted. He dispenses “guy advice” that sometimes I take and other times I shake my head and think “yeah, right….I don’t think so.”

I met Kermit through a local political organization where we both live, becoming involved with them because I could no longer live my life sitting on the couch watching television. We were fast friends almost immediately, with never one spark of romance or sexual tension involved in our relationship.

Kermit supported me when I need it, he didn't freak out when I cried, he always paid for breakfast, he sent me emails and he bought me a Goo Goo Dolls DVD he saw in a store knowing how much I liked them, even though I suspect he still has no idea who they are. Over the past few years he has been one of my primary advisors when it came to looking for a new job, or…..a new life.

It’s now my turn to help Kermit make a new life. It’s unfortunate that it’s going to be a drama filled process, but that’s not the story here. The story here is about the “rumor mongers.”

Politics, is politics, is politics. Because Kerm and I were at one time both involved with the same local, grassroots political organization we have now become linked on a sleazy political message board. A message board where people post anonymously about others and it makes no difference whether the information is true or not. In some ways I find the whole thing amusing. I could care less what the rumor mongers post, especially considering there are maybe only a handful of people who even look at that message board. Yet, in other ways I’m feeling really pissed off about it. Kermit's wife, who is involved in his drama is affected by this and was the person who found the post and then questioned him. Although she and I are only acquaintances, people adding to their family drama by lying only adds to the discomfort that already exists….and I’m not talking about my discomfort which is actually quite minimal. I know what the truth is.

I can’t seem to find the damn message board and believe me; I’m still looking for it. I have all intentions of posting my thoughts about what the rumor mongers are saying, even though on some levels, all it will do is reinforce their bad behavior. Nevertheless, I’m going to have my say, and it won’t be anonymously either. And you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not the least bit afraid of being seen with Kerm, be it here, or anywhere else.

Thursday, August 02, 2007

A dog in the garden

Published in The Long Island Advance
August 2, 2007

I finally broke down recently and gardened just a little where I’m living. For a few weeks there were a couple of cell packs of marigolds sitting on the porch, left by my mother who was planning to plant them with my niece. They never got planted and I started to feel guilty when mom took one of the packs back to her house to plant there. After she left I looked at the remaining plants sitting on the step, happened to spot a trowel on the picnic table and though “Oh, just go ahead and plant the darn things. You know you want too.” After I got my hands dirty, I noticed the Morning Glories and Nasturtium were drooped over, dying of thirst. It was at that point that planting lead to watering, another activity that I don’t do much of these days.

While standing out front, hose in hand, a guy rode past on his bike with his Bull dog trotting happily on a leash by his side. Without even thinking I called over to him as he passed and said “Kind of like the ‘Dog Whisperer’….” and let the rest of my thoughts speak for themselves. “I love that guy,” he shouted back, laughing. I couldn’t help think about how I assumed some random guy with a dog would know who The Dog Whisperer was….and he did! We continued our loud, yet brief conversation with me telling him that Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, makes me want become a dog owner.

I don’t watch much television anymore and when I do, it’s normally the National Geographic or Discovery Channels. I stumbled upon Cesar Millan, “The Dog Whisperer,” one night and I’ve been hooked on him ever since. A few weeks ago it was “Dog Whisperer Week” on National Geographic and I spent literally hours watching one show after another. At one point I realized that it was Saturday night and I had just spent three hours watching this TV show, and what kind of social life was that? And then I decided I didn’t care. The man is a genius with dogs. I now know how to choose the right dog from an animal shelter, how to be the “leader of the pack,” and have gleaned all sorts of other interesting dog behavior knowledge from his example.

Some of my new found knowledge I’m trying to impart upon the crazy Jack Russell Terrier, Bingo, who lives in this house and belongs to my niece. So far I’ve been unsuccessful and think that I need to take written notes as I watch the show in order to get Bingo to behave like a follower, and not the leader he thinks he is.

Bingo is a little dog with a big attitude. When he looks in the mirror, he sees a huge, ferocious German Shepherd, instead of a ten pound Jack Russell with short legs.

Bingo would never be lying contentedly in the grass while I watered the garden. He would be off and running down the street, yipping at the heels of that Bull dog, determined to show him who the lead of the pack was. Short of Cesar Millan showing up on the doorstep to whisper Bingo back into shape, I doubt very much that my fantasy of a well behaved dog in the garden will come to pass, at least not with this dog. Perhaps for now I should stick with my cat.