Friday, February 16, 2007

The paint on my walls

While in Home Depot yesterday to buy ice melt, a bag of potting soil and a flower pot in which to put the soil, I took a stroll through the paint department. I found the color paint I am going to paint my bedroom walls in my new apartment…..the one that I don’t have just yet. I know it’s coming. I’m visualizing it all the time. The paint is called Pink Sunset and it’s beautiful and looks just like it sounds. I can see it on my walls right now. I’m going to tack this little paint sample along my doorway so that I can see it as I go in and out and continue to visualize this one room in my life… the way that I want it to be.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


I am not having a good day. Why would V-Day three years later, have any effect on me? I started anticipating trying not to pay attention to it yesterday. It was never really a big deal when I was married, so why should it be one now that I’m not. I imagine it’s just my overall feeling of discontent.

This was my day today:

*My normal half hour drive to work took almost an hour due to icy road conditions. I hate to drive in ice and snow.
*While working in my lovely office, with my candle warmer nicely warming my Warm Vanilla Sugar scented candle, I detected a weird, foreign smell, yet could not exactly place it. I ventured out into the main part of the office to find one of the women who works for me cleaning up three piles of dog poop. She has taken to bringing her dog to work from time to time. It is a very relaxed office atmosphere, but I am now drawing the line. (This is not like bringing one of your children to hang out for few hours because school is not in session or the baby sitter canceled. We are very accommodating that way.) Her explanation was, “he must be nervous.” After she left, I somehow managed to step in a very small spot that she missed and get it on my very nice pink sneaker. I then had to go outside in the wind, rain and slush in order to get it off my shoe.
*The highlight of the day……going next door to get a piece of pizza with one of my co-workers, and the owner, a lovely Italian gentleman, giving each of us a red rose. Right now it’s in a glass on the windowsill in the kitchen.
*Another highlight of the day…..having the agency close at 2:15 due to weather.
*While sitting on the couch earlier with my laptop, having the brother that I live with, ask me not to sit there after 9:30 because I’m right above his bedroom and I’m disturbing his sleep. This from a man that you have to constantly repeat things for because he didn’t hear you. What the f*** is this about?! I sit on the couch, typing on a laptop. I am not talking on the phone above him, I am not watching television. I am sitting and quite honestly barely moving, other than to get up, unplug and relocate myself to my room around 10. Do you have any idea what it’s like to always have to be “in your room?” I have got to get a place of my own to live in. Where I can sit quietly on a couch at night without someone complaining that I’m making too much noise!! This really has me freaked out and sent me back to the want ads…to no avail again tonight.
*Walking into the bathroom and finding yet another pile of dog poop, this one left by my niece's dog who was upstairs running around and felt the need to take a crap. At least he did it in the bathroom. My second encounter with dog poop in one day.

*Retiring to my bedroom at 7:00 to find that my TV is no longer working. This is the point at which I was ready to cry. It’s not as if I watch a lot of TV. Quite honestly, I use it as background noise and I do like to watch the 11:00 news. And now I can’t. I will have to suck it up and call someone to come in a fix the damn thing.

Thank God the day is almost over. I’ll read. I don’t imagine that much more can happen, or not happen as the case may be. I hate when I feel so pissy. It’s happening a lot lately. People are going to stop reading me if I can't get back to being just a little more entertaining.

Happy Wednesday everyone…..

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Mired in Mud

I feel so stuck! It feels as if I’m standing in the damn doorway, not able to step one foot forward as they’re both mired in thick, dark mud…all the way up to my ankles. I should be happy to have made it to this new doorway………

Frustrated with what I’ve begun to feel is a useless waste of energy…… sending my resume’ out into the darkness of cyberspace, never to be seen again…. I can’t believe I could have worked this hard, and traveled so far from my old life, only to have to stay right were I am! And yes, this is probably a momentary laps in faith in myself and unless I weep and wail a little bit, and write and post about the weeping and wailing, I can’t get myself back on track.

I hate this. I don’t doubt my ability to do a great job somewhere new…. I have more than enough confidence about that….I hate that the looking is so difficult though. I agonize over writing the cover letters and know that they are probably not up to the standards that my friend Miles would like them to be. No wonder in one day, all I can get out is three of them. (Miles could get anyone to hire him to do anything, if he really wanted to based upon his cover letters alone.)

I wrote four cover letters today, one of which I couldn’t send since it can’t be directly emailed and has to go through the NYU website. And instead of linking you from the jobs search website, to the position you want to apply for at NYU, you end up on their main job search page, where you can’t find the damn job when you look for it. Not to mention that your resume’ does not download onto their website in any from that is acceptable to me. It was of course the job I was the most interested in too.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Is it a sign to just give up on NYU because being able to apply only through their website in this convoluted way is frustrating? Or does it mean I’ll be on the phone to them tomorrow, trying to figure out how to find the damn job posting and then trying to apply in the manner that they want? I hate the idea of having gone though all of that, possibly to only have my resume’ passed by because there weren’t enough computer generated matching words in it for the job I was applying for.

I’m not good at this “having to sell myself business” and I don’t want to do it. I want to think that if I believe “single-mindedly” enough, it will happen. It will happen because I’ve worked hard to make it happen and because I deserve to have it happen. I just need to moan and groan, and weep and wail about it because I’m not having any fun doing this…and because I’m impatient and want this bigger life to happen…..that’s really what this is about. My need to dive into the deep end of the pool, right now.

These are two of my most recent favorite “Daily Tips of the Day:”

Happy endings come from listening to that little voice inside your head -- some call it the whisper -- about what matters to you most.

- Jerry Porras Stewart Emery Mark Thompson, Best Selling Authors, Success Built to Last

Make an affirmation that whatever brings passion, enthusiasm, and inspiration to you is on its way. Say it often: It is on its way, it will arrive on time, and it will arrive in greater amounts than I imagined. Then look for even the tiniest clue that will help you be a vibrational match with your affirmation. You'll get what you think about, whether you want it or not!

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Best Selling Author, Inspiration, Your Ultimate Calling

I listen to the little voice in my head all the time…and I guess I’ll just have to trust that whatever is on it’s way…. will arrive….. and maybe it’s just not time yet. I can’t say that I feel a whole lot better about any of this… yet I know it will pass.

And at least we can all be thankful that I’m not writing about Valentine’s Day. But then again, there’s still time left for me to do that…