Sunday, February 11, 2007

Mired in Mud

I feel so stuck! It feels as if I’m standing in the damn doorway, not able to step one foot forward as they’re both mired in thick, dark mud…all the way up to my ankles. I should be happy to have made it to this new doorway………

Frustrated with what I’ve begun to feel is a useless waste of energy…… sending my resume’ out into the darkness of cyberspace, never to be seen again…. I can’t believe I could have worked this hard, and traveled so far from my old life, only to have to stay right were I am! And yes, this is probably a momentary laps in faith in myself and unless I weep and wail a little bit, and write and post about the weeping and wailing, I can’t get myself back on track.

I hate this. I don’t doubt my ability to do a great job somewhere new…. I have more than enough confidence about that….I hate that the looking is so difficult though. I agonize over writing the cover letters and know that they are probably not up to the standards that my friend Miles would like them to be. No wonder in one day, all I can get out is three of them. (Miles could get anyone to hire him to do anything, if he really wanted to based upon his cover letters alone.)

I wrote four cover letters today, one of which I couldn’t send since it can’t be directly emailed and has to go through the NYU website. And instead of linking you from the jobs search website, to the position you want to apply for at NYU, you end up on their main job search page, where you can’t find the damn job when you look for it. Not to mention that your resume’ does not download onto their website in any from that is acceptable to me. It was of course the job I was the most interested in too.

I’m not sure what to make of this. Is it a sign to just give up on NYU because being able to apply only through their website in this convoluted way is frustrating? Or does it mean I’ll be on the phone to them tomorrow, trying to figure out how to find the damn job posting and then trying to apply in the manner that they want? I hate the idea of having gone though all of that, possibly to only have my resume’ passed by because there weren’t enough computer generated matching words in it for the job I was applying for.

I’m not good at this “having to sell myself business” and I don’t want to do it. I want to think that if I believe “single-mindedly” enough, it will happen. It will happen because I’ve worked hard to make it happen and because I deserve to have it happen. I just need to moan and groan, and weep and wail about it because I’m not having any fun doing this…and because I’m impatient and want this bigger life to happen…..that’s really what this is about. My need to dive into the deep end of the pool, right now.

These are two of my most recent favorite “Daily Tips of the Day:”

Happy endings come from listening to that little voice inside your head -- some call it the whisper -- about what matters to you most.

- Jerry Porras Stewart Emery Mark Thompson, Best Selling Authors, Success Built to Last

Make an affirmation that whatever brings passion, enthusiasm, and inspiration to you is on its way. Say it often: It is on its way, it will arrive on time, and it will arrive in greater amounts than I imagined. Then look for even the tiniest clue that will help you be a vibrational match with your affirmation. You'll get what you think about, whether you want it or not!

- Dr. Wayne W. Dyer, Best Selling Author, Inspiration, Your Ultimate Calling

I listen to the little voice in my head all the time…and I guess I’ll just have to trust that whatever is on it’s way…. will arrive….. and maybe it’s just not time yet. I can’t say that I feel a whole lot better about any of this… yet I know it will pass.

And at least we can all be thankful that I’m not writing about Valentine’s Day. But then again, there’s still time left for me to do that…

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