Love

I could feel the emotion in these words as I chatted with my daughter.....

My daughter: "I love Ella so much." 

Me: "Now you know how I feel about you and your brother." 

Words cannot adequately describe my love for my children, and for my first granddaughter, Ella. I am eager to welcome my second one at the end of the summer.  

Aria, Nannie already loves you too!

Happy first day of your life, Ella Grace. 

Nannie loves you sooooo much and can't wait to meet you in person soon! 

oxoxox

Who would you be now?

 Today my sister has been gone for 25 years, and yet there are times when it still seems like yesterday.  Yesterday, that I was sitting along side her bed in the hospital, listening to her labored breathing and wanting to breathe for her. 

Some of my greatest sorrows are that she never had the opportunity to become who she might have, and that she never got to really know my children, or her two nephews and the niece who is named after her. These are my greatest sorrows, yet they are not the only ones. 

My greatest sorrow is that time is blurring my memories of her and that she may one day fade away and be completely gone from me. 

I can remember coming in late one night after babysitting and finding her on her bed in the room we shared, crying because "she had no friends."  I think she was in middle school, such a difficult and transitional time in any child’s life.  I remember sitting next to her and putting my arms around her while she cried, trying to reassure her that she would have friends, and silently fuming that I suspected her peers were making her feel like this.  She was maybe 12 and I was 17 or 18.....we didn't have a whole lot in common, yet I understood her pain having had to live through that period in time myself.  I can also remember coming home late again, three years later, and finding her reading in bed, clutching a crucifix in her hand to ward off evil as she read some scary book, and laughing at her.  By then, she had friends.  

After getting married at almost 21 (way too young I might add), we didn't spend much time together and I have so much regret about that. I was busy with my new life and she was busy going to college at FIT. My mother would regale me with stories of her numerous apartment adventures in NYC, and about her occasional jobs, one working in a little store in the village that sold hand-made glass ornaments and another, managing the life of a woman who was an addict and probably a good 10 to 15 years older then she.  Regina went to NA with her, paid all her bills and generally looked after her.  The store is long gone now, yet I still have the snowflake that she gave me from there and it hangs on my Christmas tree every year.  I have no idea what happened to the woman, perhaps she is long gone as well.

What I do know is that by then, she was very cool. She was one of those artsy people who could pull off short, lavender streaked, blond hair with big earrings and yellow nail polish. She would breeze into my kitchen and sit on the floor with Erin, who as a 3, 4, 5 and 6 year old, just adored her. I am sad that my son, who was a baby when she died, has no memories of her.  He has no memory of her coming into the kitchen while he was crying in his walker, and of her picking him up to comfort him, or of his last visit with her in the hospital when I passed him to her so she could hold him one last time before she left. 

I would like to think that she would approve of the people we've all become, even if it took some of us longer to get there then others.  I would like to think that she would have no patience for some of the ridiculousness that has taken place in our family over the years, just as I have no patience with it.  

I know that she would stand up next to me as a champion of our niece, her namesake, when our brother is being unreasonable in regard to letting her become the independent, responsible, awesome, almost adult that she is.  She would have gone to concerts, soccer games, high school graduations and weddings.  I know that she would have been a major support in my effort to get a new life, and cheered for me and held me up along the way, that she would have welcomed Jeff, Yvette, and Blake into our family and that she would be so excited about the impending arrival of my granddaughter, Ella, and of my other yet to be known grandchild due to arrive in Nicholas' family in September.  

I know that she would have loved our careful and thoughtful nephew, Zachary, and delighted in his desire to play the cello on a street corner with a hat out, and relished the zest with which his brother, Jacob, lives his life as he races up and down the street on his scooter, stopping in to our parents house to eat....... because everything always smells so good there.  She would have just been crazy about our niece Regina, who has followed in her summer job footsteps at the Davis Park Ferry Company and would have encouraged her to be more of a risk taker, although a responsible one for sure.

I know that she would have been an awesome high school art teacher, that she would still take no crap from our father if she felt he was wrong, and that she would have continued to do interesting and thoughtful things with, and for our mother, including shopping, an activity that I am not particularly fond of. 

Who would you be now had you been able to live your life? 

Memories of you are like gems that sparkle in the sunlight. 

I miss you every day and I will love you for the rest of my life.  

Excuses, excuses.....

I really have been neglecting this blog over the past few years.  I guess that's what happens while one is busy living the new life they've made!  

I've started probably 20 to 25 pieces of writing.  A paragraph, a half a page, a full page, but nothing has been completed.  I could send writing to the Long Island Advance and have had an offer to write a piece with a friend who writes for an online newspaper,  yet I have not been motivated to do so. I think partially because I'm just too tired by the end of the work day, and even more so, by the end of the work week.  I'm hoping that will change though......and that I can find more time to spend writing.

Thoughts about America from an Englishmen

I received this email from my very good friend Will this morning. Will is an older gent who lives in Wales and who has seen a good bit of the world in his lifetime.  I have to say, much of what he said I agree with.  It's almost difficult to explain to people who don't live here, how stupid-crazy things have gotten in our country.


From Will: I was sat watching TV last night in my studio with next doors cat satting on my lap when I was just so over come with tears running down my cheeks. What I saw was so tragic that I couldn’t even get it out to tell my wife later. It was all about the homeless in the USA. People living in storm drains in Las Vegas and tented cities in the Mid West and the most tear jerking of all was this field in the dark of night where thousands of cars and people parked up to wait for a huge barn to open its doors at six in the morning for free medical and dentistry care. An Englishman it seems runs this operation and if anyone deserved a knighthood it’s him! What a wonderful man!


How can the richest country in the world treat its poor so appallingly? Billions are spent every day on wars and corrupt countries and yet your own people starve and are homeless.


It seemed the answer was “Welfare makes people lazy and not prepared to stand up for themselves.” The most prosperous countries I have ever been in like all the Scandinavian ones and also Switzerland, are wonderful places to live because all the people are so well educated, not because of money in their bank accounts; it’s all a matter of outlook on life. How they view and respect others.


What I want to see from any Politian in the entire world is for him to say to the people “This is what I am going to do. This is my one point plan and till I’ve ticked it off my list I shall not waver nor falter from it. Only when I have accomplished it will we move on to my next task.”


It’s all just hopes but one-day just one honest man will come forward and do just that and live up to his ideas and promises.


Susan- Yes, wouldn't that be a breath of fresh air....

Birthday # 54

Yet another birthday will arrive at midnight and my new life is moving along.  My children are doing well, my parents are still here, I have great friends, a job I like, and even with a small amount of serious family drama going on, my new life is wonderful....and I'm so grateful to have been able to make it happen! 

Pashtunwali vs Sharia

I find that I get annoyed when people say things about the Koran,  Islam, or Muslims, that lump all the people of this faith into the "stoning women" category.  Therefore, I thought I would post this so that we could all be better educated.....

From the book Captive: My Time as a Prisoner of the Taliban, by Jere Van Dyke

"In brief, the main tenet of Pashtunwali is honor. All other tenets -- hospitality, revenge, right of refuge, inheritance, marriage, divorce, and all forms of punishment --- stems from honor. It goes to the heart of what it means to be a Pashtun. A man has no tolerance for anyone who attacks his personal, family, or tribal honor.

Pashtunwali demands blood vengeance, contradicting the Koran, which states that a man must not kill another Muslim. A man must never let an insult go unpunished.  Sharia, or Islamic law, on the other hand, is interested in arbitration, settling a dispute, paying blood money for murder."

This is the really interesting part......

"All men are equal under Pashtunwali, and noble, but if a man looks at a women with the slightest slant, demeaning her honor, it is grounds for murder.  Courtship and romantic love are forbidden. A man and a woman who elope lose respect. The family can retrieve its honor and status only if they kill the elopers. The woman must die first. Nowhere in the world are they safe. Male and female are stoned or buried alive.  Under Sharia, adultery must be witness by four people. Under Pashtunwali, a rumor can end a woman's life."

Pashtunwali is obviously the more fundamentalist brand......the brand that the Tailban practices......

Food for thought....

Happy Birthday, Harry

I have loved Science Friday from the very first moment I stumbled upon it via the Internet almost six years ago....and firmly believe that had I found it years earlier, perhaps my life would have gone in a very different direction.

Because of Science Friday, I got an H1N1 flu shot (and learned to stop calling it "swine flu.)

Because of Science Friday I have become considerably more aware of how my actions may be contributing to climate change and have actively done things to change my behavior in the hope that I might make a small difference.

Because of Science Friday I know more about the Higgs boson, black holes, nanotubes, graphene, and carbon sequestration than I would ever have thought possible.

Because of Science Friday I have bought books like The Zookeeper's Wife, About a Mountain and In Search of Memory.

Because of Science Friday, I have been educated by watching entertaining videos, like how to de-skunk my dog (if I had one), and what kind of car I might want to drive (if I didn't use the subway ever day). I've seen permafrost defrosting, understand the physics of basketball, know what it's like to see through the eyes of an armadillo and how water balloons behave in space. I have been able to not only hear some of the scientists that are interviewed, but also see their desks! How else would that have ever been possible, if not for Science Friday?

Because of Science Friday, I have been able to hear the words of people like Jane Goodall, Eric Kandel, Carl Sagan, and Sylvia Earl, just to name a few of the many, many guests who have been interviewed. I’d like to think that if Einstein were alive, I would have also gotten to hear him too.

Because of Science Friday I know the origins of words like antibiotic, physician and comet.

It’s impossible for me to detail all that I’ve learned over the past five years of being a Science Friday listener. I have been horrified by what is happening to our planet, (and the people who don’t believe it), yet still feel encouraged that there are so many smart people out there, diligently working on ways to effect change.

Science Friday feeds my curiosity on so many different levels.

And, certainly, last, but not least, there’s Ira Flatow……without whom Science Friday would never have existed. With his unlikely sounding radio voice he has helped me and all his other listeners, to better understand the scientific world around us by bringing science into our lives for two hours every week, and on a level that we can understand.

If it were not for Ira, I would not be using the phrase “Scientific evidence is NOT a matter of opinion!”

Yes, I am proud to be one of the many fans of Science Friday……..

Slacking once again

Four Christmas’s ago I didn’t send out Christmas cards and then wrote about the guilt I was feeling about not doing so. (Christmas card slackers - December 21, 2006) Never mind the fact that I was finishing my last semester of a Bachelors Degree, working full time, trying to figure out what was going to happen for Christmas, and getting a new life. Those darn cards were important!

What ended up happening?

Absolutely nothing. The world didn’t end because Susan missed a year of Christmas card sending. My friends and family members who have probably never missed sending theirs (except my mother, who will sometimes send them in January), didn’t shun me the following year and life went along as if my major transgression never happened. By the following year, I had a new job, I was living in Queens, and you can be sure I didn’t miss a second year in a row. That year and every year after I’ve sent New York City Christmas cards, given how much I love living here and wanting to share that joy with everyone else.

By now you must suspect that there’s a reason for this new missive about Christmas cards, right?

Yup, not gonna do it this year either. This will have to suffice as my Christmas greeting to all, along with my begging your forgiveness for being a slacker yet again. I have yet to purchase one present, let alone think about cards and sitting down to write them. It still makes me crazy that we start to see Christmas decorations go up in October and that by December 1st, retailers are making us feel that we’re running drastically behind in our shopping, when there are 24 days left in order to do so!

With the exception of my desk, I’m a relatively organized person. I like having the shopping done, the gifts wrapped and the cards written in a timely manner, yet I know for sure that will not happen this year. I don’t even think the shopping will commence for at least another two weeks. You see........my daughter is getting married and she chose the Christmas holiday season in which to do so. It will be a beautiful wedding and one that we are all looking forward too. However, it has made even thinking about buying the cards and stamps, unthinkable, let alone trying to play shopping catch-up, as well as perhaps baking a few goodies. Therefore, I’m not going to do it. We all survived the last time I didn’t send them, so there’s nothing that would lead me to believe we won’t do so again.

Of course I don’t really feel all that guilty about not sending out the cards. Over the past four years I’ve been learning how not to sweat all this small stuff. There’s no doubt that I still sweat from time to time, but that aspect of my personality has greatly improved. The only real sweating I should be doing, is in the gym, not while sitting in my living room mulling over the ramifications of not writing out Christmas cards.

Many, many years ago, when I was in 4th grade, my mother bought me a book that I saw at a school book fair and that still lingers in my memory to this day. It was Sleigh Bells for Windyfoot and I just loved it. I loved the simplicity of the Christmas depicted in that book. Cutting down the Christmas tree, a sleigh ride (with Windyfoot of course), the smell of burning wood in fireplaces and snow in the air, visiting family members, homemade gifts, and who could forget shooting the bear in the backyard. It was a book that reminded me of Christmas’ spent in Pennsylvania with my maternal grandparents and relatives. Tobogganing down big hills on the golf course across the street, skating on the pond at the bottom of the hill, Christmas cookies, the buck with five point antlers and a doe, standing in the snow in the backyard early one morning, and thankfully, never a bear. (Those have only appeared in recent years. Probably because they’re being squeezed out of their habitat by ever expanding development.) That’s the way I want Christmas to be. I love the feeling and the spirit. I hate the shopping and the guilt about not sending out the Christmas cards!

As in that previous year, things will just have to work themselves out. I’m trying to take the commercialism out of Christmas. This is will be the year when the gifts might be knitted, the goodies homemade and the cards, once again, not written.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Being driven

A few months ago I was at a work “retreat day” that involved some interactive group activities. One of those was to take five post-it notes and write on each one a word that described yourself and a sixth post-it had your name on it. There were four people in each group, so that totaled 24 post-it’s. Each group scattered their post-it’s across an area of the wall and then as a group, you worked together to try and figure out which descriptive words matched which person, and you moved those post-it’s under their name. Not all the words made it under the right names though. After that, each of the five groups took turns cruising by the areas where all the other post-it’s were, and rearranged the words based upon what they believe described each individual in the group whose post-it’s were on that section of the wall. Once each group had a turn to rearrange the words, each person went up and put their words under their name and you got to see how people described themselves and how you saw them. It was an interesting exercise and we all got to learn things about our coworkers that we might never have known.

I can’t remember all of my words; however, one of them was “driven.”

Monday and Tuesday nights I went out after work to do what I consider very interesting things. Monday it was “Monday Night Magic” in the West Village with my good friend Mike. Mike and I have been Internet friends for years, first having met on My Space and then moving over to Facebook. We share the same birthday and decided it was time to finally meet. I had a great time....the magic show was wonderful and Mike’s company was as well. Tuesday night I was at the Hayden Planetarium for a show on the Autumn sky. Last week I went to see a documentary at the Museum of Jewish History about Dr. Eric Kandel, where he signed my copy of his book. Now that fall is here, I’m back to looking for things that I really enjoy doing and I’m doing them.

So, back to the word “driven.” I was rushing out the door from work tonight to go to another one of my geek events when my boss happened by. As I was explaining I was having a busy week “after work wise,” she commented that when she originally saw that I had described myself as driven, she didn’t really see me that way....but given my interests and my focus on pursuing them, maybe I was......driven.

I've been thinking about describing myself as "driven." I think when people hear that word, they think more along the lines of "career driven." In my case that is not the kind of driven I am. What I am, is driven to have the kind of life I want. Career wise, I ended up where I am by accident. I wasn't aiming to ever be an administrator and loved being a case manager.....but, being a case manager was not going to allow me to have the sort of life I feel compelled to have...so, here I am. I'm happy not being a case manager anymore and love what I'm doing, but most importantly, because it allows me to be able to afford to live in the greatest city in the world and to do all those things that interest me. Maybe "driven" isn't exactly the word I should use now that I think about it....perhaps it's more like "single-minded" (or according to Harry, “laser focused”) in regard to what I want for myself.

Living the new life.....

I've cried through many a birthday on this weblog. Thankfully that has not happened in a few years and it's not going to happen tomorrow! I'm really good with where I am right now.

I love where I live.

I like my job and the people I work with and for.

And, I'm happy and usually content with this new life.

Perhaps it's time to change the name of this blog, since I do believe I'm living the new life.

How very cool!

The Universe vs 3 Minutes

Last Friday night I went to see BLAST! (Balloon-Borne, Large-Aperture, Submillimeter Telescope), a documentary about the launch of a balloon carrying a telescope into space in order to collect data about the origins of the universe. I originally learned about the film after hearing Paul Devlin, the film's creator, and his brother Mark Devlin, a Ph.D cosmologist, interviewed about it on Science Friday. Although having missed the first screenings of it here in New York City, I was able to put myself on an email list for future dates, and Friday, one finally came my way.

My email said that the film was going to be shown at Revolution Books, in Manhattan. I went to their website to see where they were located, and did a quick "scroll around," never having heard of them before. With $10 and their address in hand, I eagerly set out to finally see BLAST! the Movie. Who knew it was being shown in a Communist bookstore? Not me, although in hindsight, perhaps I should have suspected.

Revolution Books is a very small, lovely bookstore on West 26th Street. The movie was starting at 7, and I was a few minutes early giving me time to browse around, and of course buy a book, (When Abortion Was a Crime; Women, Medicine, and Law in the United States, 1867-1973, by Leslie J. Reagan.) The light was slowly dawning as I read the posters, tee shirts, pins and bumper stickers throughout the store, some of which I very much agreed with, that this was not some quaint little bookshop. Who isn't for equal rights for all? Who isn't against the suppression of women, or doesn't want our environment saved? These were all concepts that I am not only familiar with, but that I support. However, there was also a bit of literature with the word "atheist" on it, which I thought was a bit unusual.....but I was still not getting it. It wasn't until the sales woman put my book in a red bag, that I was pretty sure about the political leanings of this particular establishment.

The sales woman was much more talkative then I'm used too.... a bit overeager.....asking what I did for a living, commenting on my choice of the book I was buying and asking if I wanted to be on their email list. I almost felt as if I were being recruited.....which made me decidedly uncomfortable. However, I was there to be entertained, with the added bonus of being able to hear Paul Devlin speak about the movie and take questions afterward. Therefore, I wasn't taking seriously any attempt to convert me to Communism or enlist my help in starting a revolution.

Having heard the Sci Fri interview, I was familiar with the movie and after finally seeing it, loved it. It's a wonderful portrayal of science and how absolutely cool it is, as well as the scientists who are involved in it. Not only were you seeing how this telescope was developed and put together (and yes, there was duct tape!), but you were also afforded a personal view of the sacrifices that were made by family members of some of those scientists, who if not in Antarctica launching telescopes, might be circling the earth in the Space Station, or perhaps trying to create black holes to suck all of humankind into at the Large Hadron Collider in CERN (I'm kidding about the black holes. I think they only want to see a small one.)

For the first time I can honestly say that I understand what a light year is, and I also finally get how looking out into the distant universe, can help us to understand how it came to be. There were a few, very brief discussions about the religious views of Barth Netterfield, BLAST Canadian Investigator, who is a Christian and one of the films principal scientists, and more specifically his belief that what they discovered, reinforced his belief in God. Mark Devlin on the other hand, was not a believer, and I would venture to guess that the majority of science people out there in the world today are not believers in a God.

This was not a science movie that debated religion....the debate was in the room afterward. I was annoyed that the atheists in the room were completely intolerant of Netterfield's views. Devlin admitted that when he found out that Netterfield, was a Christian, his first thought was "ah...controversy...good for my movie!" Yet in many ways, maybe not so good.

According to Devlin, there is a total of 3 minutes of "religion" in this entire movie, and that 3 minutes has caused great controversy here in the states and also in Revolution Books. After having watched the movie in a communist bookstore, it was interesting to see first hand the opposite of religious fundamentalism....which I guess could be called atheistic fundamentalism.

Those who respect science here in the US, are very annoyed by "the creationists" or the Christian Right.....and therefore go all the way in the other direction when running into a scientist who believe in god. Of course George Bush made the whole issue worse during his eight-year-too-long reign as king and basher of all things scientific. Just the fact that we teach children in some states "Intelligent Design" along side EVOLUTION astounds me. Let's just ignore all the SCIENTIFIC PROOF about how the earth evolved and teach something that has no basis in fact whatsoever!

I was not stuck on the 3 minutes of religion like some of the others....I just enjoyed the story and thought that it was a great example of cool science and even cooler scientists. We need people in this country to become more science literate....there is an alarming segment of the population who really do believe that the universe is only 6 thousand years old. Carl Sagan believed in a higher power, yet he was a scientist who believed in evolution. I just don't think that any of us has the right to impose our views on others, no matter what those views are.

(Yes, I was very anti-Sara Palin and was proclaiming that quite loudly from my soapbox at the time, but I was not trying to recruit people to my anti-Palin cause. I was just expressing my opinion about what a poor choice she was on McCain's part.)

Because I'm a social worker of sorts, I have difficulty with people who are intolerant of the views of others, no matter the direction, Christian, Muslim, or atheist......so, there were two stories going on last night...........the BLAST! story......and the story about the intolerance in the room of those who were watching it. It also filters over into intolerance in the science community too though. Because of those 3 minutes, there are many educational and scientific arenas where this great, great film will never be shown.......yet, when you consider the bashing that science has taken in this country in recent years, I can honestly not blame them for being overly sensitive to those 3 short minutes.

Religion not withstanding........if you have the least little interest in cosmology, find a way to check this film out. I promise it will be well worth your time.

http://blastthemovie.com/index.html

Pictured: Paul Devlin, speaking at Revolution Books in NYC

The Shark Lady

I realized last Monday night while sitting in the audience at the New York Academy of Sciences (NYAS), that I probably would not have made a very good marine biologist......and to think that for years, it was what I told everyone I wanted to be.

The presentation was by Sylvia Earl, aka "The Shark Lady," and she's been around a long while. The NYAS has been running a series of lectures given by women scientists, to encourage young women scientists, and those of us chicks who just have a general interest in science. Of course there are men at these lectures too, but the focus is on women who have become scientist and how their interest was nurtured to allow them to become successful in their chosen career.

Sylvia Earl is the Jacque Cousteau of women a friend recently informed me. I had no idea. My interest in marine biology was so long ago, that I can't say I've kept up with the times at all. Although I was there having bought the series of tickets, there were women in the audience who were obviously thrilled to be there, and upon approaching the microphone at the end of the lecture to ask questions, positively gushed, while telling Sylvia what a huge influence she was in their lives. (Many of these women were very knowledgeable about sharks too.)

Perhaps if it had been Jacque Cousteau I would have been hugely impressed, and I feel awful and disloyal saying that I knew so little about one of my own gender who is so obviously well known and respected in the field of marine biology. Heck, the woman has done all kinds of stuff for National Geographic and the American Museum of Natural History, and holds the record for the deepest dive by a women (I believe).............I should be more impressed!

However, whether or not I was impressed isn't the point, what is, was my realization that my long ago dream would probably not have ended up being a career path I would have wanted to stay on. Sylvia was quite excited to describe in detail what it was like to, oh..... dissect a shark to see if it gave birth to live young, or released eggs. It was at that moment it dawned on me that I would not have liked doing that. I hated dissecting frogs in middle school and fetal pigs in college! Sylvia talked about peering into the murky water at a NYC aquarium while growing up, and wanting to be in that dark green water for real. Probably not something I would have enjoyed either. In retrospect, I think I might have made a kick-ass marine ecologist or environmentalist. But, we'll never know. I'm a helper...it's what I do and will probably always be what I do. Perhaps in my next life some new career path will unfold....it could happen.......

Laundry Room Library

One of the perks of my new apartment building is the laundry room, which has a few shelves of books in it that I've christened "the laundry room library." While waiting for my clothes to spin for the last five minutes of the cycle, I perused the books on the shelves and in that five minutes, became engrossed in Passing For Thin, Loosing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, by Frances Kuffel. A woman who by the way, I wish I could be friends with. I feel as if I've gone on this fascinating journey with her and become one of her cheerleader's along the way, even though the book is now five years old. She makes some interesting observations about what it was like for her to loose 150 lbs and how she struggled to become "a girl," yet that's not the point I'm making today.

(I also liked that she lives in Brooklyn Heights, very near where I work.)

One of Frances' interesting observations was her take on Internet dating. Those of you who read this blog know that I do it........sometimes reluctantly because I'm afraid to give up trying altogether. That, and I'm hoping to find someone to have hot sex with again one day, prior to being too old to want hot sex. I can hear that biological clock ticking down the seconds.

"So, it wasn't that he didn't like me," she writes. "He did. But the Third Law About Men is that they don't know if they're There or not. They think they are. They will pay money to list themselves at Match-dot or the Right Stuff or in the back of New York Magazine, but it's a twinge of loneliness that fools them into thinking they are ready for the possibilities of a companion. Like a headache, it passes but you keep aspirin on hand. Just in case. "

Case in point. My recent six week email exchange with an anesthesiologist who lives in Westchester. He wrote a great Craig's List post that I was really taken with. Our email exchange initially went well, and yet the man has no time to schedule a chat on the phone.

One of his last emails to me was "Coffee? When?"

My response was "Perhaps we can have a phone conversation about that."

Things deteriorated from there to the point where I surrendered. If you can't find the time to pick up a telephone in this day and age when our phones are practically attached to us, what hope is there that you'll actually have the time to meet for coffee? And yet his post was all about finding that special person, the one so many of us Internet-daters are looking for.

"They think they're There," has been my experience time and time again. You go on a few really nice, and potentially hot dates. You like them. They seem to like you. The kissing is great. The sex is even better. They have job and are responsible. And yet when a potential relationship with you appears, they stammer away with some lame excuse because the reality is they're afraid, or not ready or really just looking for some casual sex without the relationship.

For a while I thought I was just choosing the wrong men to date. Men who thought they wanted to be in a relationship, but when one presented itself found they didn't have the time for one. Men with big work lives.

But........maybe it's not me after all.

RED email

I've gotten tired of receiving politically conservative email forwards, you know the ones I mean....they hit your in-box labeled "RED." I get them from one of my brothers and from a few acquaintances I have who must not have been paying attention when I was sending out my "Sarah Palin sucks" emails last year. In the past I would normally just hit the delete key, which is something I do regularly when my brother sends me forwards. I'm not sure what his motivation is, since I think it should be pretty clear to him by now where my loyalties lie. Maybe he thinks he can convert me?

Today I got a forward from a guy I went to high school with that sent me over the edge. It was a "What's wrong with this picture" email. When opened, there was a picture of a dollar coin with George Washington's picture on it and nowhere on it were the words "In God We Trust." I knew what he was getting at, but decided I needed to yank his chain just a bit. That, and he calls me "Sue," which is a huge no-no in my world.

My response started out with an innocent question (even though I already knew the answer), and a bit of humor.

Susan:
"I'm not sure why this is a problem? Not to mention it would be a bit difficult when buying a train ticket from the vending machine, since all they use to give you change are dollar coins."

A few hours later, this was his response.

Tony:
"Sue what will they take next"

(Maybe I'm being catty, but the again, the man refers to me a "Sue," and does not use punctuation.)

Susan:
"I'm not really sure who you mean by "they?" The English pound note has a picture of Charles Darwin on it.......and if not Darwin, I'd like to see Einstein on a dollar bill...instead of a pyramid with an eye on top of it, which I'm sure is some sort of mystical, religious symbolism. I absolutely believe in the separation of church and state.

I think we're at very different ends of the political spectrum, Tony. I'm very much a political liberal. I believe in evolution, stem cell research, global warming, a woman's right to choose what happens with her body and that homosexuality is not a life style choice, but driven by biology. I have an intense dislike for Sarah Palin and after the first year of his first term, could not listen to one thing that came out of W's mouth.

I believe that everyone has the right to decent, affordable health care and don't think people should loose their homes or go broke due to the cost of medical care. I do believe that more restrictions are needed in regard to immigration and that we should do whatever is necessary to protect people from terrorists though. I'm not exactly sure where that falls in regard to my political leanings, but I do want my government to protected me and those I love from zealots to whatever extent possible.

It's interesting how political ideology evolves. I am a political liberal........and one of my brothers is an NRA card carrying conservative Republican....with a McCain bumper sticker on the back of his truck.... and we grew up in the same household. My bumper sticker (when I had a car), read "Well behaved women seldom make history." My mission is to never be well behaved. My refrigerator magnets read 'Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. -Thomas Jefferson' and 'Run Hillary, Run!'"

I have yet to receive a response to my reply, but it should be interesting. I'm normally non-confrontational and quietly use my delete key as opposed to making waves with someone who does not share my political ideology. I don't send the die-hard RED people the political emails I find inspiring, quite frankly considering it a waste of my time. My brother is never going to become a Democrat, or a liberal, and neither is Tony. I do however, cherish the inspiring emails that come my way from friends with whom I share more common political interests. I try to hold my tongue when discussing anything even remotely political with people like my brother, since it's not really worth boiling my blood over. Yet, for some weird reason, today I decided to take a stand over something as small as a dollar coin. Perhaps I was just feeling like misbehaving.........

Movin' on up, the the upper-upper West Side

Having been very busy packing, and packing and packing over the past six weeks or so, I've neglected to write anything about my most recent move. I moved to Jackson Heights two years ago to live "in the city," which in my heart really meant living in Manhattan.....and last Thursday I made it here! How cool is that?

And, here it is, 5 o'clockish in the AM, and I'm up reading my email. It sounds as if there's a party going on outside on Broadway.....not something I took into consideration when I signed the lease. Who are these people and why aren't they home sleeping?? I'm thinking "white noise machine."

The move went well, and yes, I'm still unpacking and hope to at least have to bulk of it done prior to going back to work on Tuesday. It was really a lot of work though and I've decided that my kids are going to have to help the next time I do this...but....I made it. A bit tired and sore, but here nonetheless. I'm getting too old to do this sort of stuff by myself though.

Other than the fact that I've rented an apartment on Broadway, which apparently is just a tad sketchy up this far, it's going fine. I had the very expensive second "top lock" installed on my door yesterday, which considering all the activity on Broadway, I'm now feeling happy to have gotten. I've come to the conclusion though that my personality is really more suited for "the other side of the cliff," the side that the Cloisters is located on. I suspect that's where I'll probably spend most of my time. It's quiet and so, so beautiful.

I was loving the apartment until around 10 last night, when I opened the refrigerator door and a roach crawled out of the rubber gasket around the inside of the door. I was so shocked to see it there that it crawled back in before I could kill it. I just stood there with the refrigerator open for about 10 minutes, not knowing what to do, until I just closed the damn door and hoped it would die of the cold. I had such a problem with them in the other place that it was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to move. I had actually stopped cooking because I hated being surprised by them. I know that they're a part of city living that you just can't get away from; however, not in a million years will I ever get used to them.

So, for now I will resume unpacking boxes, but first I think I'll get dressed and go for a walk up to the top of the cliff, where it's quiet and peaceful. It's nice to have quiet and peaceful so close by. I intend to take full advantage of it. It's the best of both worlds....having the excitement of city life, and tranquility within easy reach...both in spite of critters like roaches.

Moving.....again

Well, here it is, almost two years from when I last looked for an apartment here in the city (yes, I know Queens is not the city, but to non-city folk, it might as well be) and I'm almost ready to start doing it again. I really, really, want to move into Manhattan.....it's where I intuitively feel I belong. I might end up in Washington Heights, which is Manhattan, although in the upper reaches, but at least it's closer to where I want to be. Maybe one day I'll actually make it to where I want to be, who knows.

Right now I'm thinking about packing. I went out and bought packing tape and could conceivable start with books....but, I'm still thinking about it at the moment. Once the spirit moves me, I'll get going on it, but right now I'm practicing procrastination, which is something that I don't actually need to practice. I have that skill down pat.

Will keep you posted.............

Senator Ted Kennedy

Just finished crying my way through Ted Kennedy's funeral. In spite of the drama surrounding his life and the demons he overcame, he became one of the most influential political figures of our time. His life was as tragic as it was inspiring and our world is all the better for having had him in it.

I doubt I will ever see someone of his caliber again in my lifetime.

Prepping for a movie

I'm writing this little piece from the bathroom, where I'm sitting, and waiting for "something" to happen. I just finished drinking THE MOST VILE STUFF EVER, or at least the first portion of THE MOST VILE STUFF EVER. I was already thinking "fuck" after the very first swallow. There's another round coming up and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I only got through drinking 3/4 of the first quart before I started throwing it back up. Now, I'm sitting here, waiting. So far, not much happening.

I managed to get to age 51 and avoid a colonoscopy, the "once you turn 50" test that many people dread. I think I'd rather have a baby. I have a lovely new doctor here in the city who while taking my blood pressure, also regaled me with tales of other patients who neglected to have their colonoscopy and the consequences of that inaction, and then she wondered aloud why my blood pressure was elevated? The turning point for me was a couple of months ago when I had a bladder infection. Never having had one before, I was sure I had some dread disease of the colon because I hadn't had the damn test done yet. I was thankful and felt stupid upon finding out what I did have (refer back to Cranberry Juice Cocktail), however, I called that week to schedule an appointment to have the colonoscopy done. Who would have thought two month would go by so fast, and here I am sitting in the bathroom the night before.

One wouldn't think that drinking an 8 oz. glass of vile liquid every 15 minutes for an hour would be so God awful, but it is! This is 2009, isn't there a pill someone can prescribe to make this happen? I'm beginning to believe those who have said that the actual procedure is nowhere near as bad as the prep.

One of my greater fears in regard to medical stuff has always been anesthesia and possibly not waking up from it. Yeah, I know....I do tend to be dramatic. At this point though, put me to sleep and pour this thick lemonaidy stuff down my throat so I won't taste it, please. Really, in 30 minutes I'm going to have to start the drinking again and I'm not sure I can do it. Just the thought of it makes we want to vomit. And, can you believe they have the nerve to call the stuff MoviePrep?

It doesn't appear that I'm going to be the poster-person for this particular screening procedure, even though intellectually I know that it's an important thing to do for myself, and that I shouldn't be trying to scare other people off. Perhaps by tomorrow I'll be singing a different tune.

I'm going to try and look forward to having breakfast with Ron, who has graciously agreed to escort me out of the hospital tomorrow when this is all over.........ahhh, tomorrow....when this is all over.

Ten minutes and counting.......really, I want to vomit just thinking about the next container sitting in the refrigerator......

OMG....two more minutes!

Opened the box.....closed the box

Tonight I though perhaps I would open the box my Airport Express came in and see if I wanted to make an attempt at getting it up and running. The first thing I took out was a CD, which immediately did not bode well for my going any further.

I’m technologically phobic……a gadget geek who can’t get the gadgets going. It’s probably not that I can’t, I just become intimidated by terms I don’t understand (nor do I have any real desire to understand them), and CD’s that I have no idea where to put. I can hammer a nail, chop fire wood, check the oil in a car (when I had one), however….I cannot bring myself to manage the technology in my life without the help of others. I want to use the gadgets, not have to take them out of the box and set them up. I want them to arrive in my possession completely functional, which in my world never happens.

According to all the Mac users I’ve talked too….they practically run themselves, unless you’re me. I didn’t even make it past the third step in the set up of the laptop, before I thought something was wrong and needed to be rescued. (There was nothing wrong, it was me.)

I surrender. I am not intuitive when it comes to technology, even Mac technology. I closed the box…..I’m just going to sit out here, quietly, and wait for the magic man to rescue me once again.