She's Getting a New Life..and She Wants It NOW!

Birthday # 54

2011-09-13T19:08:00.000-05:00

Yet another birthday will arrive at midnight and my new life is moving along. My children are doing well, my parents are still here, I have great friends, a job I like, and even with a small amount of serious family drama going on, my new life is wonderful....and I'm so grateful to have been able to make it happen!

Pashtunwali vs Sharia

2011-05-15T19:32:00.002-05:00

I find that I get annoyed when people say things about the Koran, Islam, or Muslims, that lump all the people of this faith into the "stoning women" category. Therefore, I thought I would post this so that we could all be better educated.....

From the book Captive: My Time as a Prisoner of the Taliban, by Jere Van Dyke

"In brief, the main tenet of Pashtunwali is honor. All other tenets -- hospitality, revenge, right of refuge, inheritance, marriage, divorce, and all forms of punishment --- stems from honor. It goes to the heart of what it means to be a Pashtun. A man has no tolerance for anyone who attacks his personal, family, or tribal honor.

Pashtunwali demands blood vengeance, contradicting the Koran, which states that a man must not kill another Muslim. A man must never let an insult go unpunished. Sharia, or Islamic law, on the other hand, is interested in arbitration, settling a dispute, paying blood money for murder."

This is the really interesting part......

"All men are equal under Pashtunwali, and noble, but if a man looks at a women with the slightest slant, demeaning her honor, it is grounds for murder. Courtship and romantic love are forbidden. A man and a woman who elope lose respect. The family can retrieve its honor and status only if they kill the elopers. The woman must die first. Nowhere in the world are they safe. Male and female are stoned or buried alive. Under Sharia, adultery must be witness by four people. Under Pashtunwali, a rumor can end a woman's life."

Pashtunwali is obviously the more fundamentalist brand......the brand that the Tailban practices......

Food for thought....

Happy Birthday, Harry

2011-03-09T19:58:00.003-05:00

I have loved Science Friday from the very first moment I stumbled upon it via the Internet almost six years ago....and firmly believe that had I found it years earlier, perhaps my life would have gone in a very different direction.

Because of Science Friday, I got an H1N1 flu shot (and learned to stop calling it "swine flu.)

Because of Science Friday I have become considerably more aware of how my actions may be contributing to climate change and have actively done things to change my behavior in the hope that I might make a small difference.

Because of Science Friday I know more about the Higgs boson, black holes, nanotubes, graphene, and carbon sequestration than I would ever have thought possible.

Because of Science Friday I have bought books like The Zookeeper's Wife, About a Mountain and In Search of Memory.

Because of Science Friday, I have been educated by watching entertaining videos, like how to de-skunk my dog (if I had one), and what kind of car I might want to drive (if I didn't use the subway ever day). I've seen permafrost defrosting, understand the physics of basketball, know what it's like to see through the eyes of an armadillo and how water balloons behave in space. I have been able to not only hear some of the scientists that are interviewed, but also see their desks! How else would that have ever been possible, if not for Science Friday?

Because of Science Friday, I have been able to hear the words of people like Jane Goodall, Eric Kandel, Carl Sagan, and Sylvia Earl, just to name a few of the many, many guests who have been interviewed. I’d like to think that if Einstein were alive, I would have also gotten to hear him too.

Because of Science Friday I know the origins of words like antibiotic, physician and comet.

It’s impossible for me to detail all that I’ve learned over the past five years of being a Science Friday listener. I have been horrified by what is happening to our planet, (and the people who don’t believe it), yet still feel encouraged that there are so many smart people out there, diligently working on ways to effect change.

Science Friday feeds my curiosity on so many different levels.

And, certainly, last, but not least, there’s Ira Flatow……without whom Science Friday would never have existed. With his unlikely sounding radio voice he has helped me and all his other listeners, to better understand the scientific world around us by bringing science into our lives for two hours every week, and on a level that we can understand.

If it were not for Ira, I would not be using the phrase “Scientific evidence is NOT a matter of opinion!”

Yes, I am proud to be one of the many fans of Science Friday……..

Slacking once again

2010-12-01T19:24:00.008-05:00

Four Christmas’s ago I didn’t send out Christmas cards and then wrote about the guilt I was feeling about not doing so. (Christmas card slackers - December 21, 2006) Never mind the fact that I was finishing my last semester of a Bachelors Degree, working full time, trying to figure out what was going to happen for Christmas, and getting a new life. Those darn cards were important!

What ended up happening?

Absolutely nothing. The world didn’t end because Susan missed a year of Christmas card sending. My friends and family members who have probably never missed sending theirs (except my mother, who will sometimes send them in January), didn’t shun me the following year and life went along as if my major transgression never happened. By the following year, I had a new job, I was living in Queens, and you can be sure I didn’t miss a second year in a row. That year and every year after I’ve sent New York City Christmas cards, given how much I love living here and wanting to share that joy with everyone else.

By now you must suspect that there’s a reason for this new missive about Christmas cards, right?

Yup, not gonna do it this year either. This will have to suffice as my Christmas greeting to all, along with my begging your forgiveness for being a slacker yet again. I have yet to purchase one present, let alone think about cards and sitting down to write them. It still makes me crazy that we start to see Christmas decorations go up in October and that by December 1st, retailers are making us feel that we’re running drastically behind in our shopping, when there are 24 days left in order to do so!

With the exception of my desk, I’m a relatively organized person. I like having the shopping done, the gifts wrapped and the cards written in a timely manner, yet I know for sure that will not happen this year. I don’t even think the shopping will commence for at least another two weeks. You see........my daughter is getting married and she chose the Christmas holiday season in which to do so. It will be a beautiful wedding and one that we are all looking forward too. However, it has made even thinking about buying the cards and stamps, unthinkable, let alone trying to play shopping catch-up, as well as perhaps baking a few goodies. Therefore, I’m not going to do it. We all survived the last time I didn’t send them, so there’s nothing that would lead me to believe we won’t do so again.

Of course I don’t really feel all that guilty about not sending out the cards. Over the past four years I’ve been learning how not to sweat all this small stuff. There’s no doubt that I still sweat from time to time, but that aspect of my personality has greatly improved. The only real sweating I should be doing, is in the gym, not while sitting in my living room mulling over the ramifications of not writing out Christmas cards.

Many, many years ago, when I was in 4th grade, my mother bought me a book that I saw at a school book fair and that still lingers in my memory to this day. It was Sleigh Bells for Windyfoot and I just loved it. I loved the simplicity of the Christmas depicted in that book. Cutting down the Christmas tree, a sleigh ride (with Windyfoot of course), the smell of burning wood in fireplaces and snow in the air, visiting family members, homemade gifts, and who could forget shooting the bear in the backyard. It was a book that reminded me of Christmas’ spent in Pennsylvania with my maternal grandparents and relatives. Tobogganing down big hills on the golf course across the street, skating on the pond at the bottom of the hill, Christmas cookies, the buck with five point antlers and a doe, standing in the snow in the backyard early one morning, and thankfully, never a bear. (Those have only appeared in recent years. Probably because they’re being squeezed out of their habitat by ever expanding development.) That’s the way I want Christmas to be. I love the feeling and the spirit. I hate the shopping and the guilt about not sending out the Christmas cards!

As in that previous year, things will just have to work themselves out. I’m trying to take the commercialism out of Christmas. This is will be the year when the gifts might be knitted, the goodies homemade and the cards, once again, not written.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Being driven

2010-10-04T19:52:00.002-05:00

A few months ago I was at a work “retreat day” that involved some interactive group activities. One of those was to take five post-it notes and write on each one a word that described yourself and a sixth post-it had your name on it. There were four people in each group, so that totaled 24 post-it’s. Each group scattered their post-it’s across an area of the wall and then as a group, you worked together to try and figure out which descriptive words matched which person, and you moved those post-it’s under their name. Not all the words made it under the right names though. After that, each of the five groups took turns cruising by the areas where all the other post-it’s were, and rearranged the words based upon what they believe described each individual in the group whose post-it’s were on that section of the wall. Once each group had a turn to rearrange the words, each person went up and put their words under their name and you got to see how people described themselves and how you saw them. It was an interesting exercise and we all got to learn things about our coworkers that we might never have known.

I can’t remember all of my words; however, one of them was “driven.”

Monday and Tuesday nights I went out after work to do what I consider very interesting things. Monday it was “Monday Night Magic” in the West Village with my good friend Mike. Mike and I have been Internet friends for years, first having met on My Space and then moving over to Facebook. We share the same birthday and decided it was time to finally meet. I had a great time....the magic show was wonderful and Mike’s company was as well. Tuesday night I was at the Hayden Planetarium for a show on the Autumn sky. Last week I went to see a documentary at the Museum of Jewish History about Dr. Eric Kandel, where he signed my copy of his book. Now that fall is here, I’m back to looking for things that I really enjoy doing and I’m doing them.

So, back to the word “driven.” I was rushing out the door from work tonight to go to another one of my geek events when my boss happened by. As I was explaining I was having a busy week “after work wise,” she commented that when she originally saw that I had described myself as driven, she didn’t really see me that way....but given my interests and my focus on pursuing them, maybe I was......driven.

I've been thinking about describing myself as "driven." I think when people hear that word, they think more along the lines of "career driven." In my case that is not the kind of driven I am. What I am, is driven to have the kind of life I want. Career wise, I ended up where I am by accident. I wasn't aiming to ever be an administrator and loved being a case manager.....but, being a case manager was not going to allow me to have the sort of life I feel compelled to have...so, here I am. I'm happy not being a case manager anymore and love what I'm doing, but most importantly, because it allows me to be able to afford to live in the greatest city in the world and to do all those things that interest me. Maybe "driven" isn't exactly the word I should use now that I think about it....perhaps it's more like "single-minded" (or according to Harry, “laser focused”) in regard to what I want for myself.

Living the new life.....

2010-09-13T21:17:00.003-05:00

I've cried through many a birthday on this weblog. Thankfully that has not happened in a few years and it's not going to happen tomorrow! I'm really good with where I am right now.

I love where I live.

I like my job and the people I work with and for.

And, I'm happy and usually content with this new life.

Perhaps it's time to change the name of this blog, since I do believe I'm living the new life.

How very cool!

The Universe vs 3 Minutes

2010-04-26T20:13:00.006-05:00

Last Friday night I went to see BLAST! (Balloon-Borne, Large-Aperture, Submillimeter Telescope), a documentary about the launch of a balloon carrying a telescope into space in order to collect data about the origins of the universe. I originally learned about the film after hearing Paul Devlin, the film's creator, and his brother Mark Devlin, a Ph.D cosmologist, interviewed about it on Science Friday. Although having missed the first screenings of it here in New York City, I was able to put myself on an email list for future dates, and Friday, one finally came my way.

My email said that the film was going to be shown at Revolution Books, in Manhattan. I went to their website to see where they were located, and did a quick "scroll around," never having heard of them before. With $10 and their address in hand, I eagerly set out to finally see BLAST! the Movie. Who knew it was being shown in a Communist bookstore? Not me, although in hindsight, perhaps I should have suspected.

Revolution Books is a very small, lovely bookstore on West 26th Street. The movie was starting at 7, and I was a few minutes early giving me time to browse around, and of course buy a book, (When Abortion Was a Crime; Women, Medicine, and Law in the United States, 1867-1973, by Leslie J. Reagan.) The light was slowly dawning as I read the posters, tee shirts, pins and bumper stickers throughout the store, some of which I very much agreed with, that this was not some quaint little bookshop. Who isn't for equal rights for all? Who isn't against the suppression of women, or doesn't want our environment saved? These were all concepts that I am not only familiar with, but that I support. However, there was also a bit of literature with the word "atheist" on it, which I thought was a bit unusual.....but I was still not getting it. It wasn't until the sales woman put my book in a red bag, that I was pretty sure about the political leanings of this particular establishment.

The sales woman was much more talkative then I'm used too.... a bit overeager.....asking what I did for a living, commenting on my choice of the book I was buying and asking if I wanted to be on their email list. I almost felt as if I were being recruited.....which made me decidedly uncomfortable. However, I was there to be entertained, with the added bonus of being able to hear Paul Devlin speak about the movie and take questions afterward. Therefore, I wasn't taking seriously any attempt to convert me to Communism or enlist my help in starting a revolution.

Having heard the Sci Fri interview, I was familiar with the movie and after finally seeing it, loved it. It's a wonderful portrayal of science and how absolutely cool it is, as well as the scientists who are involved in it. Not only were you seeing how this telescope was developed and put together (and yes, there was duct tape!), but you were also afforded a personal view of the sacrifices that were made by family members of some of those scientists, who if not in Antarctica launching telescopes, might be circling the earth in the Space Station, or perhaps trying to create black holes to suck all of humankind into at the Large Hadron Collider in CERN (I'm kidding about the black holes. I think they only want to see a small one.)

For the first time I can honestly say that I understand what a light year is, and I also finally get how looking out into the distant universe, can help us to understand how it came to be. There were a few, very brief discussions about the religious views of Barth Netterfield, BLAST Canadian Investigator, who is a Christian and one of the films principal scientists, and more specifically his belief that what they discovered, reinforced his belief in God. Mark Devlin on the other hand, was not a believer, and I would venture to guess that the majority of science people out there in the world today are not believers in a God.

This was not a science movie that debated religion....the debate was in the room afterward. I was annoyed that the atheists in the room were completely intolerant of Netterfield's views. Devlin admitted that when he found out that Netterfield, was a Christian, his first thought was "ah...controversy...good for my movie!" Yet in many ways, maybe not so good.

According to Devlin, there is a total of 3 minutes of "religion" in this entire movie, and that 3 minutes has caused great controversy here in the states and also in Revolution Books. After having watched the movie in a communist bookstore, it was interesting to see first hand the opposite of religious fundamentalism....which I guess could be called atheistic fundamentalism.

Those who respect science here in the US, are very annoyed by "the creationists" or the Christian Right.....and therefore go all the way in the other direction when running into a scientist who believe in god. Of course George Bush made the whole issue worse during his eight-year-too-long reign as king and basher of all things scientific. Just the fact that we teach children in some states "Intelligent Design" along side EVOLUTION astounds me. Let's just ignore all the SCIENTIFIC PROOF about how the earth evolved and teach something that has no basis in fact whatsoever!

I was not stuck on the 3 minutes of religion like some of the others....I just enjoyed the story and thought that it was a great example of cool science and even cooler scientists. We need people in this country to become more science literate....there is an alarming segment of the population who really do believe that the universe is only 6 thousand years old. Carl Sagan believed in a higher power, yet he was a scientist who believed in evolution. I just don't think that any of us has the right to impose our views on others, no matter what those views are.

(Yes, I was very anti-Sara Palin and was proclaiming that quite loudly from my soapbox at the time, but I was not trying to recruit people to my anti-Palin cause. I was just expressing my opinion about what a poor choice she was on McCain's part.)

Because I'm a social worker of sorts, I have difficulty with people who are intolerant of the views of others, no matter the direction, Christian, Muslim, or atheist......so, there were two stories going on last night...........the BLAST! story......and the story about the intolerance in the room of those who were watching it. It also filters over into intolerance in the science community too though. Because of those 3 minutes, there are many educational and scientific arenas where this great, great film will never be shown.......yet, when you consider the bashing that science has taken in this country in recent years, I can honestly not blame them for being overly sensitive to those 3 short minutes.

Religion not withstanding........if you have the least little interest in cosmology, find a way to check this film out. I promise it will be well worth your time.

http://blastthemovie.com/index.html

Pictured: Paul Devlin, speaking at Revolution Books in NYC

The Shark Lady

2010-04-01T22:40:00.004-05:00

I realized last Monday night while sitting in the audience at the New York Academy of Sciences (NYAS), that I probably would not have made a very good marine biologist......and to think that for years, it was what I told everyone I wanted to be.

The presentation was by Sylvia Earl, aka "The Shark Lady," and she's been around a long while. The NYAS has been running a series of lectures given by women scientists, to encourage young women scientists, and those of us chicks who just have a general interest in science. Of course there are men at these lectures too, but the focus is on women who have become scientist and how their interest was nurtured to allow them to become successful in their chosen career.

Sylvia Earl is the Jacque Cousteau of women a friend recently informed me. I had no idea. My interest in marine biology was so long ago, that I can't say I've kept up with the times at all. Although I was there having bought the series of tickets, there were women in the audience who were obviously thrilled to be there, and upon approaching the microphone at the end of the lecture to ask questions, positively gushed, while telling Sylvia what a huge influence she was in their lives. (Many of these women were very knowledgeable about sharks too.)

Perhaps if it had been Jacque Cousteau I would have been hugely impressed, and I feel awful and disloyal saying that I knew so little about one of my own gender who is so obviously well known and respected in the field of marine biology. Heck, the woman has done all kinds of stuff for National Geographic and the American Museum of Natural History, and holds the record for the deepest dive by a women (I believe).............I should be more impressed!

However, whether or not I was impressed isn't the point, what is, was my realization that my long ago dream would probably not have ended up being a career path I would have wanted to stay on. Sylvia was quite excited to describe in detail what it was like to, oh..... dissect a shark to see if it gave birth to live young, or released eggs. It was at that moment it dawned on me that I would not have liked doing that. I hated dissecting frogs in middle school and fetal pigs in college! Sylvia talked about peering into the murky water at a NYC aquarium while growing up, and wanting to be in that dark green water for real. Probably not something I would have enjoyed either. In retrospect, I think I might have made a kick-ass marine ecologist or environmentalist. But, we'll never know. I'm a helper...it's what I do and will probably always be what I do. Perhaps in my next life some new career path will unfold....it could happen.......

Laundry Room Library

2009-10-22T20:01:00.002-05:00

One of the perks of my new apartment building is the laundry room, which has a few shelves of books in it that I've christened "the laundry room library." While waiting for my clothes to spin for the last five minutes of the cycle, I perused the books on the shelves and in that five minutes, became engrossed in Passing For Thin, Loosing Half My Weight and Finding My Self, by Frances Kuffel. A woman who by the way, I wish I could be friends with. I feel as if I've gone on this fascinating journey with her and become one of her cheerleader's along the way, even though the book is now five years old. She makes some interesting observations about what it was like for her to loose 150 lbs and how she struggled to become "a girl," yet that's not the point I'm making today.

(I also liked that she lives in Brooklyn Heights, very near where I work.)

One of Frances' interesting observations was her take on Internet dating. Those of you who read this blog know that I do it........sometimes reluctantly because I'm afraid to give up trying altogether. That, and I'm hoping to find someone to have hot sex with again one day, prior to being too old to want hot sex. I can hear that biological clock ticking down the seconds.

"So, it wasn't that he didn't like me," she writes. "He did. But the Third Law About Men is that they don't know if they're There or not. They think they are. They will pay money to list themselves at Match-dot or the Right Stuff or in the back of New York Magazine, but it's a twinge of loneliness that fools them into thinking they are ready for the possibilities of a companion. Like a headache, it passes but you keep aspirin on hand. Just in case. "

Case in point. My recent six week email exchange with an anesthesiologist who lives in Westchester. He wrote a great Craig's List post that I was really taken with. Our email exchange initially went well, and yet the man has no time to schedule a chat on the phone.

One of his last emails to me was "Coffee? When?"

My response was "Perhaps we can have a phone conversation about that."

Things deteriorated from there to the point where I surrendered. If you can't find the time to pick up a telephone in this day and age when our phones are practically attached to us, what hope is there that you'll actually have the time to meet for coffee? And yet his post was all about finding that special person, the one so many of us Internet-daters are looking for.

"They think they're There," has been my experience time and time again. You go on a few really nice, and potentially hot dates. You like them. They seem to like you. The kissing is great. The sex is even better. They have job and are responsible. And yet when a potential relationship with you appears, they stammer away with some lame excuse because the reality is they're afraid, or not ready or really just looking for some casual sex without the relationship.

For a while I thought I was just choosing the wrong men to date. Men who thought they wanted to be in a relationship, but when one presented itself found they didn't have the time for one. Men with big work lives.

But........maybe it's not me after all.

RED email

2009-10-15T21:00:00.002-05:00

I've gotten tired of receiving politically conservative email forwards, you know the ones I mean....they hit your in-box labeled "RED." I get them from one of my brothers and from a few acquaintances I have who must not have been paying attention when I was sending out my "Sarah Palin sucks" emails last year. In the past I would normally just hit the delete key, which is something I do regularly when my brother sends me forwards. I'm not sure what his motivation is, since I think it should be pretty clear to him by now where my loyalties lie. Maybe he thinks he can convert me?

Today I got a forward from a guy I went to high school with that sent me over the edge. It was a "What's wrong with this picture" email. When opened, there was a picture of a dollar coin with George Washington's picture on it and nowhere on it were the words "In God We Trust." I knew what he was getting at, but decided I needed to yank his chain just a bit. That, and he calls me "Sue," which is a huge no-no in my world.

My response started out with an innocent question (even though I already knew the answer), and a bit of humor.

Susan:
"I'm not sure why this is a problem? Not to mention it would be a bit difficult when buying a train ticket from the vending machine, since all they use to give you change are dollar coins."

A few hours later, this was his response.

Tony:
"Sue what will they take next"

(Maybe I'm being catty, but the again, the man refers to me a "Sue," and does not use punctuation.)

Susan:
"I'm not really sure who you mean by "they?" The English pound note has a picture of Charles Darwin on it.......and if not Darwin, I'd like to see Einstein on a dollar bill...instead of a pyramid with an eye on top of it, which I'm sure is some sort of mystical, religious symbolism. I absolutely believe in the separation of church and state.

I think we're at very different ends of the political spectrum, Tony. I'm very much a political liberal. I believe in evolution, stem cell research, global warming, a woman's right to choose what happens with her body and that homosexuality is not a life style choice, but driven by biology. I have an intense dislike for Sarah Palin and after the first year of his first term, could not listen to one thing that came out of W's mouth.

I believe that everyone has the right to decent, affordable health care and don't think people should loose their homes or go broke due to the cost of medical care. I do believe that more restrictions are needed in regard to immigration and that we should do whatever is necessary to protect people from terrorists though. I'm not exactly sure where that falls in regard to my political leanings, but I do want my government to protected me and those I love from zealots to whatever extent possible.

It's interesting how political ideology evolves. I am a political liberal........and one of my brothers is an NRA card carrying conservative Republican....with a McCain bumper sticker on the back of his truck.... and we grew up in the same household. My bumper sticker (when I had a car), read "Well behaved women seldom make history." My mission is to never be well behaved. My refrigerator magnets read 'Dissent is the highest form of patriotism. -Thomas Jefferson' and 'Run Hillary, Run!'"

I have yet to receive a response to my reply, but it should be interesting. I'm normally non-confrontational and quietly use my delete key as opposed to making waves with someone who does not share my political ideology. I don't send the die-hard RED people the political emails I find inspiring, quite frankly considering it a waste of my time. My brother is never going to become a Democrat, or a liberal, and neither is Tony. I do however, cherish the inspiring emails that come my way from friends with whom I share more common political interests. I try to hold my tongue when discussing anything even remotely political with people like my brother, since it's not really worth boiling my blood over. Yet, for some weird reason, today I decided to take a stand over something as small as a dollar coin. Perhaps I was just feeling like misbehaving.........

Movin' on up, the the upper-upper West Side

2009-10-11T06:00:00.006-05:00

Having been very busy packing, and packing and packing over the past six weeks or so, I've neglected to write anything about my most recent move. I moved to Jackson Heights two years ago to live "in the city," which in my heart really meant living in Manhattan.....and last Thursday I made it here! How cool is that?

And, here it is, 5 o'clockish in the AM, and I'm up reading my email. It sounds as if there's a party going on outside on Broadway.....not something I took into consideration when I signed the lease. Who are these people and why aren't they home sleeping?? I'm thinking "white noise machine."

The move went well, and yes, I'm still unpacking and hope to at least have to bulk of it done prior to going back to work on Tuesday. It was really a lot of work though and I've decided that my kids are going to have to help the next time I do this...but....I made it. A bit tired and sore, but here nonetheless. I'm getting too old to do this sort of stuff by myself though.

Other than the fact that I've rented an apartment on Broadway, which apparently is just a tad sketchy up this far, it's going fine. I had the very expensive second "top lock" installed on my door yesterday, which considering all the activity on Broadway, I'm now feeling happy to have gotten. I've come to the conclusion though that my personality is really more suited for "the other side of the cliff," the side that the Cloisters is located on. I suspect that's where I'll probably spend most of my time. It's quiet and so, so beautiful.

I was loving the apartment until around 10 last night, when I opened the refrigerator door and a roach crawled out of the rubber gasket around the inside of the door. I was so shocked to see it there that it crawled back in before I could kill it. I just stood there with the refrigerator open for about 10 minutes, not knowing what to do, until I just closed the damn door and hoped it would die of the cold. I had such a problem with them in the other place that it was one of the reasons I couldn't wait to move. I had actually stopped cooking because I hated being surprised by them. I know that they're a part of city living that you just can't get away from; however, not in a million years will I ever get used to them.

So, for now I will resume unpacking boxes, but first I think I'll get dressed and go for a walk up to the top of the cliff, where it's quiet and peaceful. It's nice to have quiet and peaceful so close by. I intend to take full advantage of it. It's the best of both worlds....having the excitement of city life, and tranquility within easy reach...both in spite of critters like roaches.

Moving.....again

2009-08-30T12:55:00.002-05:00

Well, here it is, almost two years from when I last looked for an apartment here in the city (yes, I know Queens is not the city, but to non-city folk, it might as well be) and I'm almost ready to start doing it again. I really, really, want to move into Manhattan.....it's where I intuitively feel I belong. I might end up in Washington Heights, which is Manhattan, although in the upper reaches, but at least it's closer to where I want to be. Maybe one day I'll actually make it to where I want to be, who knows.

Right now I'm thinking about packing. I went out and bought packing tape and could conceivable start with books....but, I'm still thinking about it at the moment. Once the spirit moves me, I'll get going on it, but right now I'm practicing procrastination, which is something that I don't actually need to practice. I have that skill down pat.

Will keep you posted.............

Senator Ted Kennedy

2009-08-29T14:33:00.002-05:00

Just finished crying my way through Ted Kennedy's funeral. In spite of the drama surrounding his life and the demons he overcame, he became one of the most influential political figures of our time. His life was as tragic as it was inspiring and our world is all the better for having had him in it.

I doubt I will ever see someone of his caliber again in my lifetime.

Prepping for a movie

2009-06-23T19:28:00.002-05:00

I'm writing this little piece from the bathroom, where I'm sitting, and waiting for "something" to happen. I just finished drinking THE MOST VILE STUFF EVER, or at least the first portion of THE MOST VILE STUFF EVER. I was already thinking "fuck" after the very first swallow. There's another round coming up and I'm not sure how I'm going to do it. I only got through drinking 3/4 of the first quart before I started throwing it back up. Now, I'm sitting here, waiting. So far, not much happening.

I managed to get to age 51 and avoid a colonoscopy, the "once you turn 50" test that many people dread. I think I'd rather have a baby. I have a lovely new doctor here in the city who while taking my blood pressure, also regaled me with tales of other patients who neglected to have their colonoscopy and the consequences of that inaction, and then she wondered aloud why my blood pressure was elevated? The turning point for me was a couple of months ago when I had a bladder infection. Never having had one before, I was sure I had some dread disease of the colon because I hadn't had the damn test done yet. I was thankful and felt stupid upon finding out what I did have (refer back to Cranberry Juice Cocktail), however, I called that week to schedule an appointment to have the colonoscopy done. Who would have thought two month would go by so fast, and here I am sitting in the bathroom the night before.

One wouldn't think that drinking an 8 oz. glass of vile liquid every 15 minutes for an hour would be so God awful, but it is! This is 2009, isn't there a pill someone can prescribe to make this happen? I'm beginning to believe those who have said that the actual procedure is nowhere near as bad as the prep.

One of my greater fears in regard to medical stuff has always been anesthesia and possibly not waking up from it. Yeah, I know....I do tend to be dramatic. At this point though, put me to sleep and pour this thick lemonaidy stuff down my throat so I won't taste it, please. Really, in 30 minutes I'm going to have to start the drinking again and I'm not sure I can do it. Just the thought of it makes we want to vomit. And, can you believe they have the nerve to call the stuff MoviePrep?

It doesn't appear that I'm going to be the poster-person for this particular screening procedure, even though intellectually I know that it's an important thing to do for myself, and that I shouldn't be trying to scare other people off. Perhaps by tomorrow I'll be singing a different tune.

I'm going to try and look forward to having breakfast with Ron, who has graciously agreed to escort me out of the hospital tomorrow when this is all over.........ahhh, tomorrow....when this is all over.

Ten minutes and counting.......really, I want to vomit just thinking about the next container sitting in the refrigerator......

OMG....two more minutes!

Opened the box.....closed the box

2009-06-02T22:41:00.000-05:00

Tonight I though perhaps I would open the box my Airport Express came in and see if I wanted to make an attempt at getting it up and running. The first thing I took out was a CD, which immediately did not bode well for my going any further.

I’m technologically phobic……a gadget geek who can’t get the gadgets going. It’s probably not that I can’t, I just become intimidated by terms I don’t understand (nor do I have any real desire to understand them), and CD’s that I have no idea where to put. I can hammer a nail, chop fire wood, check the oil in a car (when I had one), however….I cannot bring myself to manage the technology in my life without the help of others. I want to use the gadgets, not have to take them out of the box and set them up. I want them to arrive in my possession completely functional, which in my world never happens.

According to all the Mac users I’ve talked too….they practically run themselves, unless you’re me. I didn’t even make it past the third step in the set up of the laptop, before I thought something was wrong and needed to be rescued. (There was nothing wrong, it was me.)

I surrender. I am not intuitive when it comes to technology, even Mac technology. I closed the box…..I’m just going to sit out here, quietly, and wait for the magic man to rescue me once again.

Too old?

2009-05-30T20:31:00.002-05:00

I believe I am now officially "old." Although in this particular sense, I've always been so.

Last week my office neighbor sent out an email inviting those who he thought would be interested, to a gig his band had coming up this weekend. Initially I was quite excited about the prospect of going out to hear live music, until I found out they weren't going on until 10:30 PM. I never started my evenings when I was considerably younger at that hour, so what made me think that at 51 that might have changed? Perhaps delusion, wishful thinking, or temporary insanity was the cause. Really, I never stayed up past 10 PM if I could help it, at least until I was 25 and my first child was born. She was not the happiest of infants, so sitting up late into the night became the norm, which is when I discovered TV after 10, the 11 O'clock News, David Letterman and Saturday Night Live.

Don't get me wrong, there were times when I was out late, the difference was that I wasn't leaving the house at that time. At my age, I'm ready to be home by the time the White Throated Sparrow on my bird clock tweets and twitters, "It's ten o'clock. Shouldn't you be in bed by now??"

In reality I'm a wanna be night person who can't be, because she has a day job. Over the past two months I've had a self imposed bed time of 10 PM because I get up at 6 AM. That should equal 8 hours of sleep, which rarely happens. If I aim to get to bed by 10 I'm usually in bed by 10:30, and hopefully asleep by 11. I would have to start getting psyched for bed at 9:00 if I wanted to truly be asleep by 10:00. When I don't get enough sleep I both look, and feel like hell. It's one of the primary reasons I'm contemplating getting DVR from my cable company. The only TV shows I'm remotely interested in watching, are on after 10 PM. DVR would solve what I consider to be my late night TV viewing dilemma.

So, here it is, now 8:35 and I'm justifying in writing, why I'm not going out at 10 to see Dominick's band play. It probably would have been a good idea to have planned just a little bit better. I think that perhaps if I had gone to a movie and then to the bar, that would possibly have worked. Right now I'm sitting very comfortably in my rocking chair, barefoot and in my sweats, in the quiet (well, this is Jackson Heights and on a Saturday night it's never exactly quiet) with a cup of decaff. Over the course of today I traveled to Downtown Brooklyn, had my hair cut, walked around, came home, went out to the grocery store and shopped, came home, went out to run some other errands, came home, heated leftovers for dinner, and now I think I'm done for the day. I did not get in a car to do any of those activities, all of which required walking and carrying stuff. I'm tired......and when it comes to leaving the house at 10 PM to socialize, I'm as old as I've always been.

I do hope that Dominick will forgive me.

Whine, whine, whine

2009-05-22T15:44:00.004-05:00

In reading back over my past few posts, I've realized I've become quite a whiner.

Wow.

Really, I need to stop.

My mantra at the gym recently has been "walk....breathe....relax.....walk....breathe.....relax."

It works, I just need to figure out how to do it more often.

The little old lady table

2009-04-18T19:06:00.004-05:00

I've been relegated to the little old lady section of my local diner and I don't like it one little bit! It's liking having to sit at the kiddie table, only worse.

It's like "Sit here Susan. This way you can see what your life will be like in a very concrete way years from now." Of course I'm overreacting; however, I'm not sitting in that part of the diner ever again. It's just way too discouraging.

I know full well that I've chosen to be single at this point in my life, but there's something very discouraging about the prospect of maybe never coming to terms with the fact that perhaps I'll just remain......single. It's discouraging to think about. I've completely removed myself from the world of Internet dating because although it's been fun, making a connection is such a difficult thing to do. Maybe it's my personality type. Maybe it's my desire to not settle for, as Dean would put it, BTN....better than nothing.

Jeez....I went to the gym today, which usually makes me feel pretty good mentally, but wow...the little old lady section of the diner just really did me in.........

Cranberry Juice Cocktail

2009-04-08T20:52:00.001-05:00

I spent the past two days thinking I was dying of some dreaded disease. Over the past few years every time some health dilemma rears its ugly head, I’ve given myself permission to overreact. Perhaps it’s because I don’t have a significant other in my life to keep me in check, to say to me “Don’t be ridiculous, you’re not dying.” Or, who in his best Arnold Schwarzenegger accent might say, “It’s not a tumor!” Sometimes I just need someone to reel me back in when I’ve fallen into the deep end of the pity pool.

It’s not a tumor……it’s a bladder infection. I feel pretty stupid, but then again, I am the person who has bid my friends goodbye, mostly in jest (but not really), when having to undergo general anesthesia, convinced that I probably wouldn’t wake up again. My family usually remains blissfully ignorant of my hypochondriac moments since they know me and would be saying “Don’t be ridiculous, it’s not a tumor.”

Part of this is that there’s still so much left that I want to do, that something stupid like a weird hospital infection, or “death due to not waking up from anesthesia” would put a serious crimp in my future plans.

And, for now…..I’m relieved to know “it’s not a tumor!”

The cost of sweat

2009-04-04T14:33:00.001-05:00

Two weeks ago I joined my third gym in a little over a year. Finding one that fits in with my lifestyle has been a huge challenge since moving to the city. There are gyms all over…. you wouldn’t think it would be so hard to do.

By far my favorite gym was Ultimate Fitness in Patchogue. It was the first place I ever encountered TV monitors on treadmills, which I initially found annoying since they blocked my view of what was going on in front of me. It became a moot point when I began climbing random hills on the treadmill with my eyes closed though. There were however, times when someone would catch my attention requiring me to peek around the TV monitor in order to watch what they were doing. I have to admit that there was one guy I used to run into and surreptitiously watch as he made his way from one piece of gym equipment to another. One day he walked into the grocery store just as I did and I couldn’t help discreetly following him from aisle to aisle…..just to see what he was buying. ….and really, I wasn’t stalking.

After moving to Jackson Heights, I joined Evolution in Astoria. My daughter found them and I had this insane notion that maybe we would work out together. Unfortunately we had very different schedules during the week and that plan never materialized more than once or twice. During that gym membership year I made it there on average about twice a week, which was a far cry from the five or six times per week I went when I lived in Patchogue, yet better than “not at all” when I was a commuter.

When the Evolution, $54 dollar per month membership was up in December, I started hunting around for where to go next. My boss has a membership to the YMCA, which she raves about. So, off to the YMCA I went. I joined, even got a few weeks of free personal training which was considerably more helpful then I ever imagined it would be, and my boss got “free gear” for referring me. My strategy that time was to join something in downtown Brooklyn so that I could go there directly after work, only most of the time I never finished early enough to actually do that, or I had other, much more interesting “after work plans.” I also found it annoying to always have to wait for a treadmill and then be limited to 30 minutes on it, and then having to wait to use every piece of weight equipment too. And then of course there was the whole issue of my just not getting there at all. The only upside to that membership was that there was no contract, all you had to do was give 30 days notice and you were done having your account debited $64 dollars per month.

As of two weeks ago I ended up back in Astoria, this time at Planet Fitness, which I joined on line, sight unseen. Pretty ballsy for someone who likes to try out whatever they’re buying. At this point I just need somewhere to go that is not going to cost me a whole bunch of money if I don’t actually get there on a regular basis. I always have good intentions, but reality often intrudes upon them.

Today was the first time I went in search of my new gym. Up until now I knew the address and that was about it. I must say, I wasn’t hugely disappointed. So they don’t give you two towels per visit, there are no TV monitors on the treadmills, (which I struggled to figure out how to use), and the weight machines are really very basic and no where near as “smooth” as those at the more expensive gyms. I found that I worked just as hard for $19.99 per month as I did for $64…..after all; sweat is sweat, no matter how much you pay to do it.

Bandit

2009-03-02T23:22:00.005-05:00

I had to put Bandit to sleep tonight and it was just so sad. She was never the easiest pet to have, but I loved her anyway. She truly belonged to me and wouldn't let anyone else hold her, or most of the time even get near her. I couldn't trim her claws, couldn't get her to the vet without tremendous difficulty, and she took off running whenever anyone came into the house, whether she knew them or not. Yet, she was completely devoted to me.......she adored me and I loved her in return.

Bandit and her two brother's appeared in our back yard on Long Island as little kittens. They would show up and sit at a distance, watching the kids play in the yard. You could tell right away that they were interested and curious. They were feral cats, born to a mother who I used to see skulking around, and who would take off the minute she saw anyone. I think that along with her looks Bandit inherited that trait from her too.

For a long time we had no idea what sex Bandit was and didn't find out for sure until we got them into a cat carrier and took them to the local animal shelter to have them neutered, which was when we found out that Bandit was a girl. Even though the three of them were still living outside we put them in our garage at night and made sure they had a warm place to sleep and food. Little by little we socialized them until they got over their fear and just wanted us to pet them and love them. We found a home for one of her brothers, and in the end, took her and her one remaining brother, Frankie in. Once they stepped through the back door they never went near it again. They were so happy to have a home.

Now the three of them are gone. It consoles me to think that we gave them much longer lives then they would ever have had if they had to remain outdoors, as so many feral cats do. We took care of them and loved them and they loved us back. Even Bandit, who could not help being a "fradie" cat.

I'm going to miss her dearly and already my home feels empty without her.

Happy....

2009-02-14T23:35:00.000-05:00

VD Day, as Miles likes to say.....

Sort of writing, but maybe not really.....

2009-01-19T22:08:00.005-05:00

I have not written anything of substance on here in quite some time. I've been thinking, mulling, thinking some more. I write a line or two, and then nothing else. There are about 12 Word docs saved in my computer, some with a few lines, others with a few paragraphs. Perhaps if I combined them in some way an entire piece will appear.

A Poem by David

2008-11-09T21:36:00.002-05:00

My friend David wrote this.....it's the first time anyone has ever done something like this for me.
Thanks David!

Rapping with Susan from Jackson Heights
Learned she likes geeks many megabytes
Physics is sexy
As well as Olesky
And a cool blogging she does many nights.

A question

2008-11-04T23:57:00.002-05:00

So, do you think Sarah Palin is "gonna" donate the designer clothes?

I'll miss...

2008-10-29T20:57:00.003-05:00

Tonight I was going to the "History Meet up" group at the Sony building on Madison Ave....the same building my daughter works in. I was early, so I went up to visit Erin for a little while prior to the group starting. While sitting on her desk, chatting....she told me that she and her boyfriend have been talking about her moving in with him when her lease is up in June.

He lives in Syracuse.

She lives in NYC.

I live in NYC.

Intellectually, I know that she's going to have a life with someone, as well she should...and a family. And, I can honestly say I'm looking forward to having grandchildren too (as long as they call me Hunny.) Even understanding all these things though, I found myself tearing up when she said it. It's nice to be able to stop and see her once in a while on my way home from work, or spend a Saturday or Sunday with her, going to Trader Joe's or out to lunch. I will miss being able to do that. I'll miss knowing she's nearby, even though I don't see her even weekly.

One more thing to get used too.......at least I have time.

Conversing in a line

2008-10-18T22:22:00.005-05:00

Tonight while out with my friend David, and waiting on line at the movies, we overheard the three women in front of us talking about the movie W. David happened to say that he'd heard that the movie was well researched and an accurate one about George W.

"They should have made it eight years ago, before the first election," one of the women exclaimed, and we all chuckled.

It was an amusing comment, and yet I've been thinking about it, and wondering if the outcome might have been different had George had a movie made about him then.

Shopping

2008-10-16T20:05:00.002-05:00

I hate that sometimes I shop to make myself feel better. Not "big time shopping" though. Not like the shopping that people who have the "spending disease" do.

Yesterday, because I was upset by something that was not within my control, and really was not about me at all.....I bought some plants. On my way home from work I passed the florist on my corner and noticed that he had a whole bunch of Boston ferns outside...they were really nice and full and green. I was surprised to find that they were only $10 each, so......of course I bought two. My arms were pretty full of work stuff, so I had to make two trips to get them. When I got home and took them out of the plastic they had been wrapped in............they were the size of flippin' bushes! They're HUGE. The one in my living room takes up the space of a small chair. Although my bedroom pretty much has nothing but my bed in it, so that bush doesn't look as big as it really is. I need a tall person to come over and help me figure out how to hang them up. I have to find a tall person.

Tonight after work I bought a cookie sheet....in case I feel like making cookies, two bottles of wine, a Yellow Tail Reisling and Spring Splendor, by Pindar. It's a good thing I'm not a drinker, or having two bottles of wine might be a problem. From the liquor store I went to the corner fruit and veggie market and bought a bunch of bananas and some raspberries, and then went into Lety's, the very nice bakery/coffee shop in my neighborhood and bought some of those really hard-as-rocks cookies that you need to dip in something hot in order to eat.

Not what one would call a "comfort spending spree" probably, but somewhat comforting for me.

I just cannot help myself!

2008-09-28T17:02:00.002-05:00

This is not a political weblog....but just I cannot refain from posting about Sarah!

Sarah/Katie interview live from NY on Saturday Night!

2008-09-28T17:00:00.001-05:00

Obama, McCain and Science

2008-09-15T20:47:00.003-05:00

Please check out ScienceDebate 2008. Posted you'll find both Obama and McCain's answers to 14 important science related questions.

http://www.sciencedebate2008.com/www/index.php?id=42

Eve Ensler on Sarah Palin

2008-09-13T21:28:00.004-05:00

Eve Ensler, the American playwright, performer, feminist and activist best known for "The Vagina Monologues", wrote the following about Sarah Palin............

"Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears.

Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.

I don't like raging at women. I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them.

It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.

But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story-- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.

I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world.

Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves.

She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan.

She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered.

The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently.

She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters.

I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet.

It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable forhumans.

It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack.

It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction.

It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing.

It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalismand aggression.
If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Drill Drill."

I think of teeth when I think of drills.

I think of rape.

I think of destruction.

I think of domination.

I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent.

I think of pain.

Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?"

Eve Ensler
September 5, 2008

As a woman, I'm offended

2008-09-06T19:26:00.004-05:00

I have no idea who wrote this and a friend of mine thinks it a piece of campaign literature....but, it matters not to me. I'm giving whoever the person was, a standing ovation!

As a woman, I'm offended by John McCain's decision to select Alaska Governor Sarah Palin as his running mate. It is clear that the decision is primarily driven by politics, by the belief that to get Hillary's supporters, all you need to do is play the gender card.

I respect what Palin has done in Alaska in terms of calling out corrupt politics, and I'm sure that McCain does too. But being a whistleblower and working towards a clean state government are not qualifications for the (vice) presidency, especially not in times like these. We need whistleblowers and we need people who will work to clean up the government, but we need so much more than that.

McCain is not a young man. The most important quality in a vice president is their ability to be the president should something happen. It's one thing to say that Obama is not ready because he hasn't spent enough time in Washington, but he has worked on issues at many levels and he is very well connected globally and engaged in global political issues. There's nothing that indicates that the same is true of Palin.

Palin is the Governor of a state with severe economic issues. What has she done? She played protectionist politics to keep a dairy company in business when it was clear that they couldn't compete and they still failed. Trying to protect failed business plans is not the path towards economic growth. Her current plan, although not yet implemented (thank god), is to destroy the environment and put at risk future generations for economic prosperity today.

As a woman, I'm offended. Women have long borne the responsibility to protect the environment and future generations. How can she turn her back on this to reap short-term political and economic rewards?

Palin marks her identity by noting that she's just a soccer mom. She is respected politically for questioning powers that be. She is respected by evangelicals for not aborting her son after learning that he would have Down Syndrome.

As a woman, I'm offended. Palin has the right to choose what she does with her body, and I respect her decision, but I also demand the right to make my own choices. Feminism isn't about aborting - feminism is about the right to choose and make decisions about our bodies based on what is best for everyone involved in the social context in which we live. A woman's personal choice alone does not make her eligible for presidency.

I voted for Barack, but I deeply respect Hillary. I am in awe of the work she has done and that she continues to do. In 1992, I would've (could I have) voted for her in a second over Bill. 2008 is different and I think that Barack is bringing to the table something far more important. My choice of Barack is not a diss on Hillary. For the first time in my life, I made a choice about who to vote FOR not who to vote against.

Palin is not Hillary. Palin lacks the experience, the connections, the political stature, and, most importantly, the deep respect for women and women's issues that Hillary has.

As a woman, I'm offended. I'm offended that McCain is choosing a woman who is clearly ill-equipped to be the president of this country in an effort to woo over Hillary's supporters. I'm offended because McCain's decision is one of the most misogynist ones I've seen in recent history. Does he honestly believe that women in this country are so stupid as to believe that any woman is a substitute for another woman? That all that us women boil down to is our XX chromosomes and estrogen? C'mon now.

Don't get me wrong - I want to see women in the highest positions of power in this country. But I don't just want any woman. I want women in power who have earned the respect and worked to achieve said power. I want women who are chosen because of what they have done, not how they look in a political power game.

I was expecting McCain to choose a woman. I figured that's why he waited this long. I was expecting him to go outside of the DC circuit and my latest musing was that he'd choose Meg Whitman. Sure, she'd be controversial as hell, but damn is she a professional power house. And, unlike Palin, she actually knows something about economics. Her experience as CEO of a major international company has given her tremendous experience that would complement McCain tremendously. She's financially self-sustaining and appealing to the economic conservatives that the Republican party lost under Bush. Sure, she's controversial and I'd hate to see that kind of corporate-ness inside the White House, but she's beyond qualified and capable. Palin is an entirely different picture. She appeals to the social conservatives because of her personal views, but she lacks anything resembling the qualifications to be president.

As a woman, I'm offended.
I wasn't going to vote for McCain before, but I had at least respected him and what he's done for this country. He's completely lost any ounce of respect in my mind. His decision to choose a vice president based solely on her gender is absolutely antithetical to every value I hold dear. Our sisters, mothers, and grandmothers did not fight for women's rights only to have a woman toted around as an accessory in federal politics. I am confident that Palin is a smart, compassionate, and capable person, but she lacks the qualifications, experience, and long-term thinking to be president. This isn't about DC. She hasn't even done anything worth mentioning in Alaska. For McCain to tap her for this position is just outright offensive.

On the anniversary of women's right to vote in this country, Hillary asked the crowd if they voted for her or for the people that she's trying to serve. In asking the audience to vote for Barack, she asked them to move beyond individualist-politics and focus on the issues at hand. My hope is that women everywhere took that message to heart. This isn't about getting a woman into the White House. It's about creating a future that we want to live in.

Backyard fireplaces.....

2008-08-31T18:58:00.005-05:00

Tonight is one of those beautiful, late summer evenings here on LI, where I am visitng my family for Labor Day weekend. In my previous life we had a backyard fire place that on nights like this we would start a roaring fire in and sit around, drinking coffee and listening to the screech owl in the woods nearby. I would often have a fire, even on mild winter Sunday afternoons. I would sit outside with an afghan around me, smelling the scent of the burning wood and listening to the pop and crackle as it burned....my book and hot drink in hand. These are the sort of things I feel nostalgic about at times, and wish that maybe I could have again......that, and someone special to share them with.

Nostalgia..........it continues to tug at my heart.

The summer of '75

2008-08-23T13:21:00.000-05:00

Lately I’ve been listening to B103, the oldie’s station out here on Long Island. I’ve never been one for actually turning the radio dial to an oldie’s station, yet when I hear those songs I always find myself singing along. Imagine my surprise to realize I AM AN OLDIE! I just never visualize myself this age, perhaps because I don’t feel as old as my birth year indicates.

This weekend is “The Class of ‘75” weekend on B103 and wow, I’ve heard songs I haven’t heard since then….primarily because I ‘m an “adult contemporary, alt rock, heavy metal, top 40” radio listener. I do believe I may have to add “oldies” to that list, now that the realization has dawned that at least according to the radio; I really am an “oldie.”

America, singing Ventura Highway, Neil Diamond’s Cracklin’ Rosie and Free’s, It’s All Right Now are just a few of the songs I’ve heard while out in the car today…..songs that now go back over 30 years, making me one freakin’ cool “oldie.”

I may be an “oldie” now, however…..I am one dame fine “goodie.”

(I do not lack for self- esteem.)

When I turned 50 last year my daughter very kindly said, “You know Mom, 50 is the new 40.” Since I don’t even feel 40, to me age really is just a number. However, those songs brought back to me how different my life might have been had I chosen to take the path with the arrow pointing toward “the unknown” during the summer of ’75, instead of heading down the one I thought was the safest.

A few years ago I veered off the “safe path,” although in the end it turned out not to have been very safe and I’m now traveling down the one marked “unknown.” It’s still very unsettling in many ways for me to be on this particular road; however I’ve found it comforting to from time to time, change the radio station to the oldies one, and let myself think back to a time when my life was not so complicated.

Isn’t it amazing how music can bring you back to another place and time?

Becoming a cliche'

2008-06-16T19:30:00.003-05:00

While standing on line at Duane Read this afternoon, I just happened to look down at the items I picked up to purchase. In my arms was a bag of dark chocolate Hershey's Kisses, a bag of Mint Chocolate M&M's, a .99 cent bag of Frito's and a package of maxi pads. At that moment I was horrified to find that I had become a cliche'!

I put back the M&M's and the Frito's. I kept the Hershey Kisses and of course, the maxi pads...which was the item I went there to shop for in the first place. I shared the Kisses with my staff though..... so as not to consume them all myself.

Perhaps this is sharing a little too much information, but hell, who really cares anyway. I thought it was rather funny at the time.

Speaking of old adages

2008-06-15T21:31:00.001-05:00

I’m reading Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. This is one of my favorite lines so far…….

“Because God never slams a door in your face without opening a box of Girl Scout cookies (or however the old adage goes)....”

Make mine Thin Mints, please...or no, maybe Samoas......or, how about one of each!

I’ve always hated the line, “When one door closes another opens.” The Girl Scout cookies seem like a much better option to me.

Train Travel

2008-06-01T22:06:00.000-05:00

I was surrounded on my train ride home tonight by a large number of very attractive, very nice smelling men...............all of whom were gay! The Sunday evening trains are filled with gay men who frequent Fire Island on the weekend and do the same thing I do on Sunday night...return home. It was a train full of eye candy. When I got to JH, I discovered that I had missed the Queens Gay Pride Parade and a street fair that went along with it.....this was a day to be gay. (Well, maybe not really.)

Random musings

2008-05-29T20:45:00.003-05:00

Published in The Long Island Advance, May 29th, 2008

It’s not easy to come up with something witty, relevant, amusing, or important to write about every week and I’m always impressed that Mark, Brian and Sarah seem to do it so effortlessly here in the The Long Island Advance. There are times when I’ve written three pieces, one right after the other, times when I’ve woken up and written at 3 AM, and other times when it’s a bit more of a chore to come up with anything to say at all. It’s easier for me when there’s some sort of drama going on in my life that I can’t help commenting on, or I find some kind of amusing disparity between living in New York City, and living in Patchogue. I haven’t had a four column run in a long time and right now, all I have are random thoughts running through my head.

Since the deadline for this week is looming I’ve decided to just sit down and write, and see what happens. It’s kind of an interesting exercise to do that once in awhile. I took a writing class over the winter where the teacher suggested carrying around a marble notebook in which to spend at least 30 minutes per day writing. I was not good at that. I usually have a notebook handy, but when I don’t, napkins, discarded flyers or the margins of newspaper work just as well.

I’m a “when the spirit moves me” kind of writer.

The dilemma right now is, do I tell you about how interesting it is for me to live in an area where I regularly pass women on the street who are not only veiled, but may also be wearing a chador, or do I try to describe in words what it was like to walk over the Brooklyn Bridge for the very first time, or do I tell you how I wonder what the people I work for now where thinking by hiring me, or that I found out first hand recently that a good friend of mine in a “man magnet?” Or, maybe since I’m so conflicted about what to write, do I try and tell you a little bit about all of the above, and then try to string some common thread between them all as a means to wrap up at the end? Perhaps I’ll just give that a whirl and see what happens. After all, I can always hit “delete” and start over again.

Having recently read the book Reading Lolita in Tehran, I’ve become fascinated by women who live in this country and who hopefully are choosing to wear a veil, and are not doing so because there are people in their lives who are trying to make them invisible. I could write an entire column on this subject. The only problem is that I have way more than 750 words to say on this topic. Since limiting myself word-wise is usually difficult, the implications of what wearing a veil means for women is a hard subject to tackle in 750 words or less.

My policy is “if it can be said in three words, why not use three paragraphs, or better yet, three pages.” I have a friend who writes for a living and who is always saying, “Get rid of the extra words!” He has no idea how hard it is for me to part with any of my written words.

I have now almost finished four weeks at my new job. I sit at my desk and sometimes wonder how it is I’m here, at this place with the amazing view. It’s easy to forget how hard I worked to get here and that maybe I do really deserve this. I think that oftentimes people forget that they deserve good things to happen for them.

And, since I’m on the subject of my job, words cannot describe what it was like for me to walk home from work over the Brooklyn Bridge last Friday. It was one of the most beautiful views I’ve ever seen, and to think that I was afraid that by moving to the city, I would miss the scent of sea air. How silly of me.

Now reminded of the scent of the ocean, last Sunday I sat down at the bay with my friend JoAnn, who was visiting from Florida, and I had the opportunity to witness first hand her abilities as a “man-magnet” and it was pretty darn impressive. Some guy walking his two dogs started a 20 minute conversation with her, all based upon the logo that was on her tee shirt. (And, if she was veiled and wearing a chador, he would never have seen the logo to begin with!)

And, here I am at 840 words with no common thread to string all these random musings together. Oh well, maybe next time individual columns based upon all the above will develop. One never knows what I might be writing about at 3 AM.

A lunch time field trip

2008-05-22T18:44:00.003-05:00

This is what I did at lunch yesterday......

What I wish I knew

2008-05-22T18:41:00.006-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance, May 22, 2008

OK, so…I’m going to dip a toe into a pond that I would normally be afraid to venture into. Normally I stick to “writing what I know,” which is usually a good policy to have. Today it will be more like writing about what I wish I knew.

If I wasn’t working in Human Services, I’d like to think that I might have stumbled into a career as a scientist. I’m sure this revelation will come as a surprise to my family, but it shouldn’t. At one time I wanted to be a marine biologist and it was all I can remember talking about. The movie Jaws cured me of that dream. And, let’s face it, if becoming a marine biologist was really that important to me I would not have let a mechanical shark scare me away.

Although I love sitting by the ocean, or standing at the edge getting my feet wet, rarely do I go in, and the moment I do the theme song from Jaws starts to play in my head and it’s just not worth the anxiety I feel not knowing what might be swimming around under me. Hence a career spent in the water did not seem like a good idea in the end.

In my fantasy career world of today, I can envision being a geological archeologist, or some sort of environmental biologist. I’ve been able to satisfy this need by visiting places like the Museum of Natural History, by attending lectures on the arts and sciences, or just by sitting in my living room, watching the Discovery or National Geographic channels. Yet, as a rule, I don’t write about science not feeling anywhere near qualified to do so.

I do have a growing concern about our environment though, and last year I ventured into that arena and wrote about it. So, in an effort to stretch my abilities just a bit more and set out once again into uncharted waters, I’d like to tell you about Science Debate 2008.

I’m on a few science related email lists and ScienceDebate2008.com is one of them. The people who run this website have for months been trying to engage those candidates running for the office of President of the United States in a debate to see where they stand on issues such as “healthcare, climate change and energy and how science can tackle them.” They took many, many steps in order to make their invitation to discuss these topics appealing to the candidates, yet none other than McCain responded, and he declined.

There seems to be a misconception within the mainstream media that people don’t want to hear about this, therefore having this very important invitation publicized has been almost impossible. In an effort to prove that people are interested in what those running for office think about science related issues, a poll was commissioned by Research!America and ScienceDebate2008 and conducted by Harris Interactive ® that showed that 85% of U.S. adults agree that the presidential candidates should participate in a discussion of this kind.

“’This topic has been virtually ignored by the candidates, but this poll shows that Americans of all walks know how important science and technology are to our health and way of life,’ said Shawn Lawrence Otto, CEO of Science Debate 2008. ‘We’ve heard a lot about lapel pins and preachers. But tackling the big science challenges is critical to our children’s future – to the future of the country and the future of the planet. Americans want to know that candidates take these issues seriously, and the candidates have a responsibility to let voters know what they think.’”

I don’t have room here to go into detail about what I consider a very critical issue for our country. Clearly it’s not about the political party you belong to though. We all belong to the human race and we should care about what those who want to lead our country think about climate change, global poverty, education and renewable energy.

The Long Island Advance is about as mainstream media as I can come up with in order to publicize what I think is a very important topic. If I’ve tweaked your interest even the littlest bit, please check out http://www.sciencedebate2008.com/ and see what you might do to help bring attention to something that is so important to us all. You don’t have to be a “wanna-be” scientist to have a desire to be well informed prior to casting your vote in November.

I want to feel comfortable NOW!

2008-05-15T21:29:00.004-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance, May 15th, 2008

The view out the window of the bright yellow lunch room is stunning. With the sun creating tiny pinpoints of light that dance and sparkle across the water, straight ahead in the distance I can see the Statue of Liberty, and out the window to my right, the Brooklyn Bridge and a view of lower Manhattan that can only be described as postcard like. Every outside wall of this office in Brooklyn has stunning views of the city and the surrounding area, and I can’t believe I work here.

Six weeks ago a new job fell into my lap and I’m still adjusting to the idea of it. While sitting in the office of the Associate Executive Director of my previous agency, he let slip that someone we both knew was leaving her job and the agency she worked for was looking to replace her. I think he immediately saw my ears perk up and was sorry he mentioned it. I usually have to debate things with myself prior to making a move, but this was a no-brainer. As soon as I left the office for the day I called her to express my interest, and here I am now, looking out the window at a view you usually only see in pictures.

It’s not just about the view though. From the moment I stepped foot in the door for my first interview, I felt intuitively that I should be there. Normally I am a little nervous when interviewing, but this was the most relaxed and enjoyable interview I have even been on in my life, and my intuition kept saying “This is the job you moved here to have.”

A position such as this would have had to find me, since I’ve never been one to job hop and I’ve only been working in the city for less than a year. I like to stay places for a long time, probably because I’m resistant to change. I have great affection and admiration for the people I just left and had decided to commit myself to being there for at least another year, in spite of the fact that the job I was doing was overwhelming and very stressful. That was until this new opportunity was presented on a silver platter. Initially thinking I would just inquire and go on an interview, once I stepped though the door, all I could think about was, “This is where I’m supposed to be.” This was the kind of job I had envisioned when I was looking to move, and here it was. Who cares that I know nothing about Brooklyn and will probably get horribly lost.

Last Monday I waked into my new office to find the entire back wall decorated with a sign that said “Welcome Susan.” How cool was that? It was nice to have that sort of greeting since this is the first time in a very long time that I have not worked for people I already knew. Their warm welcome took the edge off the anxiety I felt at having to go through yet another transition, even if it is a positive one.

It’s hard to be an “I want to be comfortable NOW!” kind of person, and have major life changes happen every six months. I mean come on, it’s been a week, why don’t I know who everyone is, what they do and where their offices are located? I have great patience when it comes to others, and very little when it comes to me. I’ve been working on it and as you can see, having limited success.

Soon I’m hoping to have an entire year where nothing changes; although that’s doubtful considering now I think I may be moving to Brooklyn in the fall.

(My cell phone picture does not do the view justice!)

What not to wear

2008-05-15T18:44:00.002-05:00

So......tonight after work I was standing on line in TJ Maxx on 6th Avenue and W 19th Street behind a woman who I thought was a great candidate for the show What Not to Wear. She had on a bright orange top which was too tight, a pair of black Capri pants, a wide black patent leather belt, black and red plaid stockings and metallic silver flats........it was a fashion statement that just didn't work for her, nor do I think it would have worked for anyone. You have to wonder if some people look in the mirror before they leave the house.

A dinosaur in my living room

2008-05-08T20:49:00.002-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance
May 8, 2008

From the corner of my eye I saw it slowly lumber across my living room floor as if it owned the place. Rolling gait, antenna sniffing the air, it was a 350 million year old dinosaur living in my apartment, and it completely unnerved me!

When thinking about moving to an urban area it was not crime, or my initial inability to use public transportation and not get lost that made me just a little fearful, it was bugs. I hate bugs, even the ones that are supposed to be good for the environment. Tolerating them is about the best I can do and looking for a means to get rid of them, like my shoe, is usually my first response.

In the years I spent driving all over Long Island as a service coordinator I‘ve been in many homes, some in better condition than others. On one particular home visit I sat perched on the edge of a chair watching the roaches walk down the walls and scurry across the floor toward me. I was completely horrified by what appeared to be an army of them, all heading in my direction. Wanting to appear unafraid I calmly stood up, figuring my ability to see them and step on them would be increased if I had a better vantage point. In hindsight “the army” was maybe ten, but let’s face it, if you’re seeing ten roaches in one place; chances are there are a whole bunch more hiding in places you can’t see. Often times for me what I can see in my imagination, is far worse than what the reality is. In the case of roaches though, I’m sure my imagination was underestimating.

Knowing that roaches are common in New York City and have not only survived, but thrived since the age of the dinosaurs, I decided to just not think about them unless I had to. Not thinking about them lasted about three days, then for weeks I obsessively did nothing but think about them, talk about them, wish my cat would hunt them, and look for shoes to kill them with.

I spent weeks researching remedies to solve my bug problem. Having the exterminator come was out of the question because of the cat. Svetlana, one of my coworkers, suggested egg yolks, mixed with Boric Acid and some water, then formed into little balls and strategically deposited throughout the apartment. I boiled the eggs and bought the Boric Acid, then hemmed and hawed about it. How big should the balls of egg yolk be exactly? How much Boric Acid was enough, or too much? Would my apartment smell like hard boiled eggs, and most importantly, would my cat Bandit think that perhaps I had left little Deviled Egg appetizers spread about her new home as a treat? Little by little while mulling all these questions, I peeled and ate the hard boiled eggs.

The solution to my dilemma was not an hors d’oeuvre, strategically placed about my apartment. It was as simple as going to the grocery store to buy those little roach motels. It’s been three months since I’ve seen a roach and for a little while, I was breathing easier.

My latest bug scare goes by the name of “bed bugs,” an even creepier menace. It is not comforting to know that they’ve been around probably as long as roaches. I have spent a ridiculous amount of money on products to stave them off after having heard from one of my neighbors that “they” might be in the building. I will now discretely apply dust in the form of diatomaceous earth to the crevasse and corners of my apartment, as well as some sort of environmentally friendly spray I bought. I’ll wrestle my mattress and my futon cushion into protective covers, and hope for the best.

Who would have thought years ago when I was adding diatomaceous earth to our pool filter, or making Deviled Eggs, that one day I would be considering using these very same ingredients to exterminate real, or imagined dinosaurs from my home? Not me.

My first day at HeartShare

2008-05-05T18:50:00.001-05:00

This was what greeted me as I walked through the door of my new office today.....I'm so happy to be there.

Standing here until you make me move....

2008-04-28T20:34:00.003-05:00

Hanging By A Moment (Liv ...
By Lifehouse
Best Video Codes

Lost in transition

2008-03-16T22:20:00.001-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance, March 13, 2008

I continue to live with one foot tentatively in Jackson Heights and the other firmly planted in Patchogue, and it’s quite a stretch. Initially I was very homesick, and even anticipating being so, moving was much more difficult than I imagined. Then again, when one waits as long as I did to move away from home, there’s a lot of adjusting to do, especially when you consider that moving from the suburbs to the city has been, for me, like moving to a foreign country.

What I miss the most is the sun, the smell of salt in the air and the color green. Yes, there are trees on my block, however my apartment windows do not look out over them, and being on the fourth floor of a six story building means that even on a sunny day, it just barely glances across my windows, and only for about five minutes at sunrise. I can glimpse it from my kitchen window if I crane my neck almost out of it. It reminds me of those real estate ads that say “water view,” but don’t tell you that you can only see the water if you’re standing on your roof in the winter when there are no leaves on the trees.

My Queens neighborhood boasts three laundromats, four drug stores, seven restaurants, three bakeries, two banks, a few phone and clothing stores, coffee shops, including a Starbuck’s, Petland, Carvel, two McDonald’s, and a Burger King, all within in a several block radius, and yet I have this need to shop on Long Island for pretty much everything except groceries. It’s very inconvenient to have to carry multiple, and sometimes very heavy bags back to my apartment each Sunday evening. Getting home requires the train and the subway, and I feel as if I can now add the word “Sherpa” to my resume’. I’ve also found myself renting movies in Patchogue, watching them in Queens, and returning them the following weekend. Even I think that’s a bit ridiculous!

This past weekend I bought a rolling suitcase. I managed to stow away all my clothes, the laundry that I sometimes bring with me to do over the weekend, a package of four energy efficient light bulbs, a power strip, a small wreath for my bathroom wall, a package of plastic clothes hangers, and the perfume I bought in Ulta. It never occurred to me that I could have purchased almost all of those items in stores around the corner from my apartment. I have yet to venture to the Queens Mall or to find other of my favorite stores, probably because almost every weekend I’m here, on Long Island.

On one walk around my block you might hear Russian, Korean, Polish, Spanish or Farsi being spoken, and sometimes, even English, and on my way out to the street from the subway I regularly pass Peruvian musicians performing “music from the Andes.”

The sights, sounds and smells are so different that, for now, I am living in a foreign country, and I didn’t even need to apply for a passport to get here.

I think that as much as I love living in Queens, my head is still not there yet, or maybe it’s my heart that has yet to make the transition.

Window treatments...or maybe not

2008-01-21T19:40:00.000-05:00

Clearly.........I do not have the knack for window treatments! Oh....my....God....I am so frustrated that I could just chuck it all out my fourth floor window. Whatever made me think that draping a window scarf over a decorative rod would be easy? Where to begin?

Let's see....first of all I gave up on trying to screw the hardware into the molding, since the molding is probably 60 years old and hard as concrete. I nailed them instead. Big no-no...I'm sure. However, they're still hanging, at least for now. Then I had this mile long scarf....which although is now hanging after I used twist ties and pins, is of course uneven. It's probably a good idea not to do that other one tonight...or maybe ever.

I need:
1. a ladder so I can actually reach high enough to see what I'm doing. The step stool is just no cutting it.
2. a power tool in the form of a drill
3. Possibly someone taller than me who is also stronger then me to help
4. Someone to help hold the mile long scarf so there's a hope of getting it even.

If you don't look closely, or you aren't me, who needs things like this to be perfect, it probably looks ok. I'm hanging freakin' curtain in my bedroom. Once I get past the curtain rod dilemma, it will be way easier.

Dishwashers, not just for dishes....

2008-01-11T20:23:00.001-05:00

My good friend Miles has been very excited about moving into a new apartment, which is actually right next door to his old one. The one he's moving into has been gut renovated and will be brand new. He'll have an almost full size refrigerator as opposed to the "dorm" frig he's had since his landlord took out the one that was originally there. I never was quite clear about why that happened, but we're talking about Miles, so it could have been for any number of weird reasons.

Miles has been quite excited about his new apartment and in particular, about the dishwash that he now has. It's a mini dishwasher, perfect for one or two people, and that's all. Up until last weekend he was talking about how great it will be to have it....for storage. I believe he has another idea in mind.

Last year for my birthday Miles and his then girlfriend Judith invited me for a birthday dinner. While looking for something interesting to make, he stumbled upon a recipe for "Dishwasher Fish," only Judith panned the idea.

Yup, so now Miles will have his very own dishwasher to poach fish in, and he's begun threatening to actually do it. I've googled "Dishwasher Fish," and there really is a recipe for it. How crazy is that?

Hillary for President

2008-01-07T23:25:00.001-05:00

Goals, not resolutions

2008-01-01T22:01:00.000-05:00

Over the past few years I’ve been pretty goal driven. It amazed me how well consciously working to achieve goals worked and now that my big three have been accomplished; I’m at a loss for exactly what to do next. I suppose getting used to a new job and a new place to live should be enough, yet somehow I’m feeling like I need more.

I’ve found myself *goal-less.* So, what better time of year to set some new ones than the “New Year’s resolution” time of year.

On December 27th I registered to take a writing class in the city one evening a week for the next seven weeks. I need to meet some new people and maybe make some new friends, along with possibly adding a little discipline to my writing.

On December 29th I joined a new gym. I’m hoping to go there at least five times per week. I’ve been missing the gym and I’m so out of shape. I’ve been managing my stress by snacking, instead of using the treadmill.

I would like to spend more time here in my new community and do more in the city…hang out with the friends I have here and also have my friends from my first home come in to visit.

Entertain…..that’s what I want to do! I want to entertain my friends, both old and new….and my family too….here in my new home!

Vacation! I would like to go on a vacation. It doesn’t have to be far away….just somewhere….away.

So, there you have it. Medium to small size goals…not resolutions…goals to work toward. Writing, gym going, entertaining and socializing, and a trip to somewhere…..

Oh, and one more thing. I would like to get the stupid wire rack I bought for my kitchen put together. I am so bad with the putting together of stuff....really, really awful.

When midnight comes....

2007-12-31T06:58:00.000-05:00

When midnight comes, I'll tiptoe quietly across your mind, whisper in your ear that I love you.....and kiss you softly on the mouth. Happy New Year......

Internet dating...An interesting way to make new friends, but not find a boyfriend

2007-12-05T23:01:00.000-05:00

I haven’t posted on here recently, mainly because I haven’t really had the time to write, but tonight I feel like it. I have a few pieces rolling around in my head and really need to make myself sit down and just spend a day writing them. For tonight, it’s going to be “Internet dating…..An interesting way to make new friends, but not find a boyfriend.”

I don’t normally write much about Internet dating….in the sense that I’ve told any of my more amusing stories in this spot. I never want anyone I go out with to possibly look at this and feel I’ve used them for writing fodder. So, this piece of writing is unusual in the sense that I am going to write about this subject.

Last night I met and had dinner with this amazing man. It’s always really nice when you meet someone that you immediately feel drawn toward, like you were meant to know this person. They are supposed to become a part of your life. This particular man is unfortunately for me, not going to become a romantic part of my life. I also have a knack for finding the interesting ones that already belong to someone else. Since I’ve learned that particular lesson well, I am not even remotely interested in going down that road. However, that does not mean friendship is out of the question. He claims that his record of being friends with women is “spotty at best.” I’m not exactly sure that that means and perhaps I should ask, but I’ve decided not too.

“D” and I had dinner in the village last night. The man and the place are a perfect fit for each other. He loves cats and has five of them. He’s a voracious reader, a song writer and a retired thug….what an interesting combination and one that I find so completely fascinating….and it doesn’t hurt that he’s quite attractive too.

Tonight I had dinner with a man who drove in from Long Island, only I should probably have saved him the time and effort by backing out. I already knew that we didn’t have a lot in common, yet I continue to go on these dates *just in case my intuition is wrong.* However, so far my intuition has not been wrong once.

I just barely avoided certain disaster last week when I canceled a date with someone who I felt as if I were being smothered by, and we hadn’t even met yet! When he sent me an email telling me that I had been “mean to him,” when I told him in a conversation that I couldn’t talk to him right at that moment because I was cleaning up the kitchen, I knew it was time to cancel that pending date. (And, he was serious when he said I was mean to him…I still can’t believe it.) An hour after I got that email and responded by saying I was going to decline the date we had planned for the following night, the buzzer in my apartment went off. I had to freak out just a little bit, thinking “OMG……he’s a stalker.” I’m very relieved to live in a big apartment building and not to find myself climbing out of my car in the dark and going into an unlit house.

The date I had the day after meeting D was the one my intuition was telling me not to bother going on. It was right. He picked me up in his BMW and we went to a local Chinese restaurant. At the end of the meal he proceeded to stand up, fish a wad of bills out of his pocket, peel off a $100 and throw it on the table. I was wondering if I was supposed to be impressed by that, yet all I could think was “how pretentious.” I’ve dated a couple of really wealthy men, none of whom behaved in that manner. After the waiter returned with his change, he said “I wonder how much to leave for the tip? I never look at the bill.” I’m not sure if that too, was meant to impress me. If so, it didn’t. And last but not least, while walking back to the BMW he causally mentioned that it was one of “a few” cars he owns. I think he was expecting me to ask what the others were…..only I really didn’t care enough to ask. Don’t get me wrong, I was nice.....just really turned off by his whole demeanor. When he dropped me off in front of my building, we shook hands goodbye. And neither of us has emailed since.

Next week I have tentative plans to meet another new person. My intuition is saying, “Oh, yeah….you should go on this date.” He’s interesting, intelligent, does some writing and likes mine. So, who knows what will happen. I’ve made some of the best new friends I have in recent years doing Internet dating. Maybe there are no boyfriends in my future doing this. You never know though….one or more of them might have some cool friend to introduce me too…and you what, I don’t really need a boyfriend….I just want one.

The spirit of friendship

2007-11-30T21:26:00.000-05:00

One of my My Space friends just sent me a comment that was such a beautiful sentiment. It said "Friendship is two souls that share One Spirit." Isn't that a lovely thought? On a more intense level, it's like that *psychic twinkle* I feel I have sometimes. You know, when you've been thinking about someone and out of the blue they call or drop an email. Or when you call them just to touch base and they say, "Wow....I was just thinking about you!" Sort of like two birthday's ago when I was home, sitting at my computer desk......working and sobbing.... and out of the blue, my friend Jane called. She said she just felt like she should call me. This happens a lot to me......and I'm very glad that it does (the phone calls, not the sobbing).

Friendship.....two souls....One Spirit. I love the idea of that.

Moving day...almost

2007-11-01T22:34:00.000-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance, November 1, 2007

I’m at a loss for words right now, both written and spoken, and have spent far too much time putting off this particular piece of writing. By the time this column hits the paper, I will have moved! When originally asked a month ago if I could write two columns for Brian’s current vacation I figured sure, why not? And right now I am one short and all I can think about is everything there is left to do today, the day before the movers will arrive to carry all of my boxes out the door and drive them off to Jackson Heights -- that, and the fact that I have a column to write and I’m still procrastinating. According to my friend Ron, I have subconsciously calculated how much there is left to do, and know somewhere in the back of my head that I can get it all done in the time that remains. I hope he’s right. Since that made sense to me, I figured why not go out to dinner last night and spend quality time with one of my best friends, and leave even less time to finish what I need to get done. After all, I don’t want to be sitting around with nothing to do tomorrow at 8am while waiting for the movers to arrive. What fun would that be? My mother is often running around at the last minute when big things are happening and my father is usually sitting around, waiting for her to get her act together. I believe I might fall somewhere in the middle. So, off to dinner I went.

As a rule, my friend Kerm and I usually get together for breakfast once a month and when neither of us could come up with a Saturday morning on which to do so, he suggested dinner and I suggested the Main Street Café’. The Main Street Café’ has become one of my favorite places. I stumbled upon it by accident last year while looking for a place to go for coffee after the movies one Saturday night. I love this little restaurant. It’s quaint and cozy; the food is good and the people who work there are warm and friendly. Since I began commuting I haven’t had a lot of time to socialize, so I haven’t been there in a while, and when I have been, it’s usually just to order a salad to take out. Kerm was impressed with my choice of restaurant, and I thought it was cool that I was able to suggest somewhere he hadn’t ever been before.

While we were sitting there I lamented the fact that I still had so much left to do, including writing this column, and yet could not bring myself to feel the least bit guilty about being there. We had a glass of wine with dinner and at one point the owner came over to our table, introduced himself and bought us an after-dinner-drink. While we talked I mentioned that I was moving to Jackson Heights on Friday, and then thought to myself, “Oh my, I’m moving to Jackson Heights on Friday!” However, by that time I’d had a glass of wine and an after-dinner-drink, two alcoholic beverages more than I would normally have had in any given week, let alone in one evening. I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to do much of anything after going home and I didn’t. I went to sleep instead.

So, here it is, the day before the move. I have no idea if I’m going to be able to get my cat in the cat carrier to move her, let alone find the cat carrier which appears to be missing, or how I’m going to have a manicure, get my hair highlighted, have my TB test (annually mandated by the world I work in) read, pack the rest of the boxes, and clean a little, all by 8am tomorrow morning. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think it’s all possible, so maybe I’ll start by going out to have a cup of coffee. The one thing I do know is that by the time you read this, my move will have been accomplished and I’ll be sitting on the floor in my apartment in Queens, debating what to do for furniture.

The night after "moving day"

2007-10-27T23:09:00.000-05:00

Email written to all my friends and supporters, : )

Hi everyone,
Well.........I've moved and it was quite an experience. I think I might have to live here forever, since I never want to do this again. The two gentlemen who came from the moving company were less than gregarious and somewhat annoyed that when they arrived in Jackson Heights, they had to keep moving the truck around the block to let traffic pass. At one point the police were out there, practically screaming at them to move the truck as they had traffic blocked all the way down the street. The one man looked at me as if it was my fault there's no parking in JH and the streets are narrow! They also weren't happy that there were too many doors that needed to be held open.

If I ever decided to move again, I don't want to be there when they do it. Some things are best done if you don't have to witness them.........like watching as a pile of boxes crashes down to the ground because the mover is trying to shove them all onto the elevator. Really...I didn't need to see that. It was at this point I was so very happy that I hadn't had Nick and his friends move my stuff in a U-Haul! OMG....that truly would have been a nightmare!

Today with Erin's help I made some progress getting the place livable. We shifted around boxes that I can't unpack as I have no where to put the stuff once I unpack it...however, those boxes are now in a variety of places, not in one big pile in the middle of the LR floor. We went to the grocery store...and more importantly to the liquor store as I needed to try out my wine glasses. Unfortunately, when the cable guy arrived to hook up my cable/phone and Internet, he couldn't because my building is not "cable ready" as was advertised. He needed to get into the basement, which was locked and the super was somewhere in Brooklyn.........and now I will be cable/phone and Internet-less until minimally, next Saturday.

Those of you who know me well, understand that I have a bit of an Internet addiction and this is causing me no small amount of anxiety. Hence, I really did need to try out the wine glasses. Tonight I'm at Erin's. We couldn't get my DVD player to work and my bed was piled with stuff...and at least here, I can feed my Internet addiction for a little while. I'll be able to check email at work, but not visit my favorite places, or incessantly read the news...all things I like to do. Tomorrow I'll move the cat....that should be fun....not. She's going to have far fewer places to hide then she's had in the past. I'd better leave her a spot under the bed to hide out in for when company comes to visit.

Well, that's it from me for tonight. It really is going to be a great apartment...and you are all invited to come and visit! I hope you're all well and will look forward to catching up again either from work, or when I ever get back on line.

Love,~Susan~

A day-glow green tee shirt

2007-10-20T20:37:00.000-05:00

While thumbing through a catalog tonight I stumbled upon a tee shirt that made me laugh and that I might just have to order. It’s an interesting day-glow green color, which means that I might never actually wear it, day glow green not really being my color.

When I was a very young we used to watch the annual showing of The Wizard of Oz on TV (this was pre-video era), and I was terrified by the Wicked Witch of the West and those evil looking flying monkeys. To this day, I close my eyes when that part of the movie comes on. Years after the movie was made the actress who played the Wicked Witch did some sort of coffee commercial…..and I never liked those commercials because it was the Wicked Witch doing them.

The tee shirt says,

Don’t make me break out my
Flying Monkeys

I just thought that was so funny! (Maybe it’s just me though. Possibly some of you won’t find this funny.)

My old bedroom window

2007-10-02T21:10:00.000-05:00

One winter Sunday morning back in February 2006, I wrote and posted a piece titled “My Bedroom Window.” I wrote it while looking at the window across from my bed, describing what I saw right down to the smallest detail.

The Curtain….
“There is also a lovely curtain, of the valance variety, hanging on a curtain rod from the top of it. It’s made of a sheer white material that is sort of a V shape, the lowest point of the V hanging just in the center of the window. A trim of clear beads about two inches long each, hang down from the edge and sparkle as the sun touches them. Seeing the sun glint off the edge of this curtain is my favorite part of living in this bedroom.”

A String of Shells……..
“Hanging down from the left hand side of the window, in a long vertical line from the curtain rod, is a string of shells tied together on fishing line. I strung these shells together years and years ago on a day spent at a friend’s beach house. For maybe 20 years this sting of shells hung from my kitchen curtain rod in the house I use to live in. Now they hang from my bedroom curtain rod and will hopefully hang from yet another one, in another place, at some other time in my future. I love this string of sea shells. They remind me of the summer, of the beach and the ocean, and how wonderful it is to sit by it, close your eyes and listen to the surf as it rolls onto shore and to smell the scent of the ocean salt in the air.”

Hydrangeas……….
“A pretty wreath of pink, blue and white hydrangeas with green leaves, hangs between the top of the window frame, and the top of the wall, which is actually one of the many ceiling peaks in this attic room.”

A Dream………
“I have managed to fix one window in my life exactly the way I want it to be. It’s calming to look at and is really not overly *girly*, despite my description of white lights, beads and flowers. Sitting in my bed and looking at this lovely window, in the middle of the Robin’s Egg Blue wall, makes me feel encouraged. I do however, often wonder where the other windows in my life will be located though, but figure I’ll find them eventually.”

Tonight I took down the curtain with the crystal beads, the string of shells and the wreath of Hydrangeas and packed them in a box. I feel a little sad now that it’s almost time to leave this room, and so grateful to have had it. I will miss living here with my brother and my niece. I’m going to hang the crystal beaded curtain and string of shells on my new kitchen window and will find the perfect spot for the Hydrangea wreath, in the new apartment I’m going to in Jackson Heights. This is an exciting and yet poignant time for me. Time to finally move away from home and for the first time ever, live all on my own. It’s been a long time coming and there were times when I never thought it would come to pass. See, this is what happens when you set goals and work to achieve them…..they somehow happen……..

A pair of black, spike-heeled boots

2007-09-28T21:07:00.000-05:00

While standing on the train station platform this morning in my jeans and sneakers because it was “causal Friday,” I spied a cute young woman further down, wearing her stylish off-white, belted trench coat, and a pair of black ankle boots complete to with pointy toes and high spiked heels. Although probably “trendy” as my daughter would say, all I could think was “Jeez, how does that chick walk in those boots?” I also noted that she was standing smack-dab in the middle of the platform, and those traversing in one direction or another had to either move to walk behind her, or walk along the outside edge of the platform in front of her in order to make their way past. That was kind of rude and very poor commuter etiquette. But then again, maybe she wanted to make sure we all saw her spike-heeled ankle boots.

I’d like to say that were I twenty-five years younger I would have been wearing those boots, however, I know myself pretty well and would in all likelihood be wearing a black tulle skirt with matching combat boots. I’m not the spike-heeled type, although I do own a pair of really cute black, summer sandals with a spike heel, which I can walk all of two feet in before they start to kill me. I wore them on a date last summer, although I did not actually put them on until I was almost where I needed to go, stashing my flip-flops in the bag I was carrying, with my date, none the wiser.

While thinking about that experience I simultaneously wondered how this girl manages to walk in NYC wearing that type of footwear. I used to think “What’s the big deal? When you use the train or subway to move from place to place, why worry about comfortable shoes….you’re sitting down a lot.” Of course that is so not the case as I’ve come to learn, more than once the hard way and I still have the blisters to prove it. I’ve walked miles recently while using public transportation and decided I need to keep a pair of sneakers at work, just in case I have to go somewhere that requires walking I didn’t plan to do while wearing a cute pair of shoes. Frequently when I “Hop Stop” my subway directions I fail to notice just how far I have to walk from then I get off of, to where I want to end up. Walking is not normally a problem for me and I enjoy doing it, but only if I’m wearing the appropriated footwear.

I did sort of wistfully gaze at those ankle boots though, and think “Well, maybe I could wear them around the house.”

Death warmed over

2007-09-26T19:34:00.001-05:00

Somebody please take me out into the back yard and put me out of my misery. I have been sick since yesterday and today has been the worst! I have a massive cold and I’m running a temperature and I have just added Robitussen to my self-medication regime. And just so you know how bad this is, I didn’t even taste the Robitussen when I took it….. for anyone who has ever taken Robitussen, you know how yucky it is and to not have been able to taste is says a lot.

It’s unfortunate that I’m still in my probationary period at my new job or I would be staying home tomorrow. That period ends on Friday…… of course, and by which time I’m hoping to feel better. I could really have used a sick day tomorrow though, but considering I just signed an apartment lease, working a day without pay is not an option.

Yes, today I signed a lease on an apartment and I’m so excited about it…even if I feel like crap. Right now my fantasy is to have a nice guy in that apartment, who I really, really like, and who will run me a bath, make me tea and rub my back. Oh, and who would also know what to do about the “check engine light” that came on in my car tonight. That’s really a moot point since I’m selling my car, however I though I’d add it to the “guy wish list” just in case. I’ve already written about “car dilemmas” so I won’t go back down that road at this time though.

So, even though I feel like “death warmed over,” (a favorite saying of my father’s), and my car has decided it needs it’s engine checked, I’m getting a place of my own to live in…….how freakin’ cool is that?!

11 secrets most men keep

2007-09-25T18:56:00.000-05:00

I took this directly off of AOL tonight. In my new life, I've been doing a good deal of reading about relationships and what makes them work. This way, if one should happen my way I'll be better prepared.

I wonder what men think about these 11 secrets?

My comments are in blue, and not to be taken as part of this article.

"Magazine writer and editor Ty Wenger revealed in Redbook what every woman wants to know: What secrets is her husband keeping from her?Although men who tell too many lies and keep too many secrets risk souring a relationship from lack of trust, some of the more innocuous lies are told and secrets are kept to keep the peace. That is the kind of secret Wenger is revealing. And ladies, some of these secrets will melt your heart and make you so happy you married the man you did. 11 secrets most men keep, including your husband:

1. Yes, he falls in lust 10 times a day -- but it doesn't mean he wants to leave you. Yes, men like to look. Overall, they don't need the cerebral to get them going like most women do.

2. He actually does play golf to get away from you. I think time away from each other is a wonderful thing. Everyone needs their own interests in order to be well rounded people and partners.

3. He is unnerved by the notion of commitment, even after he has made one to you. Really?

4. Earning money makes him feel important. Not so much for me.

5. Though he often protests, he actually enjoys fixing things around the house. I don't really care if he can fix stuff, as long as he knows who to call when the stuff he can't fix, breaks.

6. He likes it when you mother him, but he's terrified that you'll become your mother. Me too! And, I do love my mother.

7. Every year he loves you more. That is so sweet. I'll have a man like this please.

8. He really doesn't understand what you're talking about when you discuss "issues" in your relationship. It makes no sense at all to him -- even though he will nod in agreement and apparent understanding. I don't think this is true for all men. I think this statement sells men short. I know a number of really great men who understand relationship issues and are good at talking about them.

9. He is terrified when you drive. I'm a great driver, even if I am slightly on the aggressive side.

10. He'll always wish he was 25 again. Not me....I'm loving where I am in life.

11. Give him an inch and he'll give you a lifetime. Translation: Let him be a dumb guy and play poker with his buddies or go on vacation alone, and he'll love you forever for that. 'And that's the truth,' insists Wegner. "

(Source: Redbook)

Beach scented perfume

2007-09-21T21:47:00.000-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance, September 20th

Last Sunday night was the one of those perfect evenings for walking. Almost fall like, it was cool and clear and the scents that perfumed the air overwhelmed me.

When walking outdoors, I have a few routes that I take that always lead me to the bay. Even on very cold winter days, that’s the direction I head, never north, always south, because I love the smell of the sea air.

On this particular evening as I started out toward the bay the first scent I noticed was that of a backyard fire place. I love the smell of fire places and used to have one in my yard. We would sit around it at night, drink coffee, talk with whoever showed up to sit and watch the fire burn, and listen to the Screech Owl that lived in the woods nearby.

Layered over top of the burning wood smell, was the scent of autumn clematis in full bloom. Growing vigorously throughout the summer, it blooms in a mass of tiny white flowers that perfume the air with a heady, sweet scent. This particular smell I recognized immediately, having planted this variety of clematis in my garden years ago and each summer, watching as it climbed its way up the side of my dining room window, with the scent of the tiny white flowers traveling into the house on the heels of the breeze that blew in through the open windows.

As I got closer to the bay, the scent of the sea air mingling with the others made me feel wistful, missing home before I have even left it. I love this smell, the smell of the bay and nearby ocean, that mixture of seaweed and salt, shells and suntan lotion. I have a “sun and sand” candle and a perfume called “Beach,” both of which if I close my eyes and breath in deeply, remind me of what it’s like to lie on the beach and listen to the surf roll onto shore, and watch the gulls as they glide on the ocean breezes.

As I continued my walk my son pulled up to the stop sign on the corner of Brook Street and Rider Ave. Having only seen him a short while before for dinner, it was amusing to run into him again so soon. Further up the road, I saw my father as he rode his bike across Rider, heading back home from his evening bike ride and one of my old neighbors as she cut her lawn. It’s odd to feel so excited about moving away and so sad about it too, sad to think about missing out on these every day encounters that for so long I have taken for granted.

My pile of boxes in the living room of my brother’s house is getting larger. I keep trying to keep in mind what he said when I was starting to say good-bye. (I’ve been starting to say good-bye in a variety of ways for a while now.) He reminded me that I’m moving to Queens, not California. I often use that line when talking about my move to other family members, like my 12 year old niece Regina, who I have also lived with for the past three years. We are making plans now for things she would like to do when she comes to visit me. This way, she too can be excited when I move, and not sad.

There’s a very good possibility that the next time I appear here, I will have written this column from an apartment in Jackson Heights. Hopefully I will be able to regal you with amusing tales and observations about how different life will become. I’m thinking that possibly I can get over the homesick part prior to actually leaving, at least that’s what I’m going to hope will happen. I’m feeling a bit dramatic about it all; you would think that I wasn’t planning to be back at least every other weekend. And in between, I can always turn out the lights, light my “sun and sand” candle, spray on my “Beach” perfume and close my eyes and breathe deeply.

(I can't believe I still have not posted my birthday column. Actually, I'm still working on it. )

Another birthday.....

2007-09-15T19:27:00.000-05:00

I can't believe that I didn't put a post up on what was a very big birthday for me...the half century mark....50! I did have a column in the newspaper where I wrote all about it, but....I couldn't say all I wanted to say.....hence, I'm still working on it to post here.

I'll be back soon....

A new chapter begins

2007-09-06T20:14:00.000-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance
September 6, 2007

I’m back again, sitting in Brian’s chair and trying to come up with a plausible reason why I do this. Why I write these guest columns where the letter “I” shows up way too many times. It might have to do with the fact that I’m a social worker by nature, if not by degree. I process my life, and the lives of those I know in words, thoughts and feelings. I started out writing for myself as a means to see in a concrete way where I was coming from, and going too, and I have come to share this journey in a very public way with those of you who read what I write.

When setting out on this journey to create a new life, my decision was to make it as big and bold as it could be, and my hope was that others might see themselves reflected here as well. And, at this very moment I’ve come to the end of a chapter….and a new one is beginning.

While sitting in a friend’s kitchen in Greenwich Village one day last week I wondered out loud how I came to be at this point in my life and how it happened so fast. Not actually sitting in his kitchen, I know how I came to be there, but how I’ve reached the point where I’m on the cusp of accomplishing the last of three very large goals I set for myself two years ago.

Twenty-nine years ago I left my parents home to get married. Three years ago I left that home due to circumstances that so often happen in our lives, prompting us to choose different paths to follow. Three years ago I could never have envisioned this new life that’s unfolding in front of me.

When I was 5 or 6, I can distinctly remember looking out the window of our yellow, wood paneled station wagon as we drove through midtown Manhattan on our way to visit my grandparents in Pennsylvania, and telling my parents that one day I wanted to live in Manhattan. The sights, the sounds, the “bigness” of it all were so very appealing to me and for a number of years that was the vision I carried around in my head. Somewhere along the way I think I became afraid, afraid of living my life and my sister took over that dream and made it her own, at least for a little while. My fear was unconscious and my vision became buried somewhere deep inside of me, until it was surprisingly set free by life circumstances. Now that it’s taken flight, there’s no telling where it will end up…this vision of mine.

Today is September 6th and I am about to contact a realtor to begin apartment hunting in Queens. It may not be Manhattan, but it’s darn close. Not only will I be looking for a home of my own, I will be looking for it in the place I so long ago felt drawn to. It’s both exciting and frightening to teeter on the rim of this precipice.

As I stand here at the edge of a new beginning, I wonder about the journeys that others of you have taken, the steps and missteps, the laughter, and the tears that you shed along the way. As an observer and one who always has an opinion, I would love to hear your stories and continue to share mine with you, no matter how infrequently I can be found sitting in Brian’s chair. Yes, I write from a woman’s perspective, yet that is not the only point I can see from. If you would like to share any of your stories with me, please feel free. I’m going apartment hunting now, but….I’ll be back.

The subway tour

2007-08-24T23:00:00.000-05:00

This was one long day of riding the train and subway and somehow doing a tour of all the places I silently wept in last Tuesday night. I think it’s pretty damn amazing that I managed to find my way into Grand Central Station and on to every one of those subway platforms, with the exception of the N.

Having managed to only minimally email Harry this week, my resolve broke when I was in GCS and I text messaged him telling him how hard it was for me to be there, so close and yet so far away from him…..and how I missed him. Of course he didn’t respond, nor did I expect he would. I found myself in almost the exact same spot we said good-bye in while my heart was crumbling into a million little pieces. It was hard to be back in that moment. Especially since I have always hated the “good-byes” and that was such a final one. Maybe not final forever, but final in so many other ways. Ways that I will dearly miss.

I spent the day traveling to and from the Bronx, all the way up to Pelham, for a 1 hour meeting that they kept me waiting for. Getting there was easier than returning once I got past the Grand Central Station part. However, the return trip involved Miles, so getting back was just a little more complicated and involved me having to write direction on a napkin. (Miles is always trying to find a better way for me to get from place to place, which normally just confuses me more.)

After attending my much delayed meeting, Miles, who lives on City Island, picked me up and we went to Arthur Avenue for lunch. Miles has been such a wonderful friend and has been doing his best to distract me and cheer me up. Last Saturday I went to City Island for the day and we had a barbeque with a very interesting cast of characters (and, I’ll write about that another time…it really was entertaining). And today, it was lunch on Arthur Avenue. Arthur Avenue is the Bronx version of Little Italy, minus all the tourists. It was the coolest place, where you could buy pasta bowls and dishes from sidewalk vendors, and find authentic food, including fresh baked breads and pastries. And, there were people there who actually spoke Italian!

Over lunch was when I got the napkin out and wrote down the directions. Miles knows that I need all the directions, right down to the tiniest details, just to make sure I don’t get lost. It wasn’t until he was dropping me at the subway, which he thought was the 4, but turned out to be the 5, that the directions had to be tweaked just a little. It was on this return trip that I managed to find myself on almost all the subway platforms I had previously cried upon. I didn’t cry today…..but, I did feel really sad. It was a bittersweet, underground tour of my most recent heart break. I wish I didn’t still feel so emotionally wounded, feeling the need to continue to wallow in self pity and despair. (OK, maybe despair is a bit dramatic….)

I survived the “heartbreak tour,” and while doing so, think I figured out how to comfortably ride the subway while standing. The trick is to just relax and go with the flow. It’s sort of like standing on a boat; you have to sway with the movement. Jeez…I wish I could just go with the flow of my life. I wish I were not one of those over thinkers who carries an unprotected heart with her, everywhere she goes.

Delete, delete, delete, delete.....

2007-08-18T22:12:00.000-05:00

He said he had no idea she loved him. How is that possible she wonders to herself? Over the past two years they have exchanged hundreds of emails…hundreds. She’s a writer and in the thousands of words she’s written to him, how did he miss this? She was not vague. Today she is amazed that he says he didn’t know how she felt about him. It would have been almost impossible for him not to know. Strangers knew. People who only know her through her writing in cyberspace could tell that she loved this man. And he, who she has spent time kissing….had no idea?

This morning she awoke and used the delete key on her computer. She deleted the few pictures she had of him, deleted his website from her “favorites” list and deleted him from her AOL Buddy List. It was purely a symbolic act though. Let’s face it; it’s not like she doesn’t know where to find him, like she’s forever severed her cyber link to him. It’s not like she doesn’t have his phone number, or know where he works, or of a place she can go to hear his voice, even if it’s not her he’s talking too.

She deleted so it would be just a little less convenient to perseverate on him. To torture herself by seeing his face or hearing his voice. She wishes there were a way to delete this heart ache she feels. It’s been four days. She should be feeling better…right?

Unable to cry any longer, she feels numb and overwhelmed with sadness, and angry. Angry at his professed inability to see her standing out here, angry at his inability to see how much she cared about him and how much she wanted to care for him.

She deleted him from her buddy list...for now....for now the sound of his door opening and his name appearing on the right side of her computer screen, as if he’d walked into the room with her, is much more than she can handle. It’s hard enough having him walk across her conscious mind a hundred times a day. Seeing him in a tangible way is too difficult for her.

She could not have deleted in a permanent way though, in a way where you suddenly feel cold and clammy and think “OMG, I’ve just deleted something that I’ll never get back!” She still has his phone number and can certainly type in his web address. She’s trying so very hard not to let herself be weak. Not to let herself call, or text, or even go to a website and look. She’s trying so hard to distance herself from him and it’s one of the most difficult things she's ever had to do.

She's trying so hard to get to a point where it won't matter to her anymore. Where he will just be someone she knows..........

She gambled and she lost. Why does she insist on learning these lessons the hardest way possible?

"Leave love bleeding in my hands..."

2007-08-15T20:14:00.000-05:00

“I love you,” she finally says.

She physically hurts from the tips of her toes to the top of her head. She aches deep down inside, in a place she never knew existed.

“I love you,” she finally says. “I’m standing out here at the edge of your life, waiting for you, and I have no idea if that’s what you want.”

“Don’t wait for me,” he replies

“I want to wait for you,” she whispers.

“Don’t wait for me. I want you to have a happy life.”

“I love you. I want to wait for just a little while.”

“Don’t wait for me. I don’t love you,” he says.

And inside of her, her heart breaks…shattered into a million little pieces. Tears well up into her eyes and silently trickle down her face as her head rested upon his chest. She walked down this road of her own free will, her eyes wide open and knowing full well that she might end up in this place. This crying place.

It’s taken 49 years, 11 months for her to feel heartbreak like this. Almost like heartbreak over the death of someone she loves, only different and in some ways far more difficult, since he still exists in the real world, just not in her world in the way she wants him to be. She aches for him and for the potential that she knows he’s walking away from.

She said she is living her new life with no regrets and that she would never regret loving him.

He said that she was braver than he.

Silently she cried while lying next to her daughter, whose apartment she stayed at that night. She wanted to go home so that she could lie in her own bed and sob, hoping that if she did so, she might rid herself of some of this heart break.

He is not to blame for her tears. He was never anything but upfront about where he was in his life and his situation. She thought if she loved him enough, she could change that. She was wrong and yet she loves him nonetheless.

She loves him in spite of the fact that he does not love her.

She wonders how long it will be before she runs out of tears. She feels stupid being almost 50 and finding herself truly loving someone for the very first time in her life….. and now having to cry about him. But, living a life with no regrets means putting yourself in situations where you risk having your heart broken into a million pieces. She has no way to protect her heart….it’s always right out there for everyone to see.

She can’t imagine her life without him in it……..and she can’t imagine never being able to love him the way she wants to love him….

There’s a song on her iPod she cried while listening to on the train tonight. (Silently of course, so as not to appear to be a total nut job….in the past 24 hours she’s gotten very good a crying silently.) The song is by Fuel and the title is Hemorrhage (In My Hands), one line in particular speaks to her right now.

“Leave love bleeding in my hands….”

This is exactly how she feels as she stands here at the edge of his life, love...bleeding in her hands.

Hemorrhage (In My Hands)
By Fuel
Best Video Codes

Rumor mongers again....

2007-08-11T21:14:00.001-05:00

OK...so, I'm not going to post on the message board if I ever find it. The hell with the rumor mongers...why stoop to their level......I've written about here...have thought about it a bit more...and now I'm fine with letting idiots be idiots.

The rumor mongers

2007-08-11T11:27:00.000-05:00

I have a passionate dislike for rumor mongers. You know, people who like to make crap up at the expense of others. I have a very good friend Kermit (I call him Kerm), who is going through a dramatic life change right now and who I will gladly spend all the time he needs, supporting. He allowed me to cry into my pancakes over Saturday morning breakfasts a few years ago and for that I will be forever grateful. He is one of a few men I’ve come to think of as my “platonic boyfriends,” and is by far my very favorite. In many ways he’s like the older brother (although not by much), that I never knew I wanted. He dispenses “guy advice” that sometimes I take and other times I shake my head and think “yeah, right….I don’t think so.”

I met Kermit through a local political organization where we both live, becoming involved with them because I could no longer live my life sitting on the couch watching television. We were fast friends almost immediately, with never one spark of romance or sexual tension involved in our relationship.

Kermit supported me when I need it, he didn't freak out when I cried, he always paid for breakfast, he sent me emails and he bought me a Goo Goo Dolls DVD he saw in a store knowing how much I liked them, even though I suspect he still has no idea who they are. Over the past few years he has been one of my primary advisors when it came to looking for a new job, or…..a new life.

It’s now my turn to help Kermit make a new life. It’s unfortunate that it’s going to be a drama filled process, but that’s not the story here. The story here is about the “rumor mongers.”

Politics, is politics, is politics. Because Kerm and I were at one time both involved with the same local, grassroots political organization we have now become linked on a sleazy political message board. A message board where people post anonymously about others and it makes no difference whether the information is true or not. In some ways I find the whole thing amusing. I could care less what the rumor mongers post, especially considering there are maybe only a handful of people who even look at that message board. Yet, in other ways I’m feeling really pissed off about it. Kermit's wife, who is involved in his drama is affected by this and was the person who found the post and then questioned him. Although she and I are only acquaintances, people adding to their family drama by lying only adds to the discomfort that already exists….and I’m not talking about my discomfort which is actually quite minimal. I know what the truth is.

I can’t seem to find the damn message board and believe me; I’m still looking for it. I have all intentions of posting my thoughts about what the rumor mongers are saying, even though on some levels, all it will do is reinforce their bad behavior. Nevertheless, I’m going to have my say, and it won’t be anonymously either. And you can bet your sweet ass that I’m not the least bit afraid of being seen with Kerm, be it here, or anywhere else.

A dog in the garden

2007-08-02T19:57:00.001-05:00

Published in The Long Island Advance
August 2, 2007

I finally broke down recently and gardened just a little where I’m living. For a few weeks there were a couple of cell packs of marigolds sitting on the porch, left by my mother who was planning to plant them with my niece. They never got planted and I started to feel guilty when mom took one of the packs back to her house to plant there. After she left I looked at the remaining plants sitting on the step, happened to spot a trowel on the picnic table and though “Oh, just go ahead and plant the darn things. You know you want too.” After I got my hands dirty, I noticed the Morning Glories and Nasturtium were drooped over, dying of thirst. It was at that point that planting lead to watering, another activity that I don’t do much of these days.

While standing out front, hose in hand, a guy rode past on his bike with his Bull dog trotting happily on a leash by his side. Without even thinking I called over to him as he passed and said “Kind of like the ‘Dog Whisperer’….” and let the rest of my thoughts speak for themselves. “I love that guy,” he shouted back, laughing. I couldn’t help think about how I assumed some random guy with a dog would know who The Dog Whisperer was….and he did! We continued our loud, yet brief conversation with me telling him that Cesar Millan, The Dog Whisperer, makes me want become a dog owner.

I don’t watch much television anymore and when I do, it’s normally the National Geographic or Discovery Channels. I stumbled upon Cesar Millan, “The Dog Whisperer,” one night and I’ve been hooked on him ever since. A few weeks ago it was “Dog Whisperer Week” on National Geographic and I spent literally hours watching one show after another. At one point I realized that it was Saturday night and I had just spent three hours watching this TV show, and what kind of social life was that? And then I decided I didn’t care. The man is a genius with dogs. I now know how to choose the right dog from an animal shelter, how to be the “leader of the pack,” and have gleaned all sorts of other interesting dog behavior knowledge from his example.

Some of my new found knowledge I’m trying to impart upon the crazy Jack Russell Terrier, Bingo, who lives in this house and belongs to my niece. So far I’ve been unsuccessful and think that I need to take written notes as I watch the show in order to get Bingo to behave like a follower, and not the leader he thinks he is.

Bingo is a little dog with a big attitude. When he looks in the mirror, he sees a huge, ferocious German Shepherd, instead of a ten pound Jack Russell with short legs.

Bingo would never be lying contentedly in the grass while I watered the garden. He would be off and running down the street, yipping at the heels of that Bull dog, determined to show him who the lead of the pack was. Short of Cesar Millan showing up on the doorstep to whisper Bingo back into shape, I doubt very much that my fantasy of a well behaved dog in the garden will come to pass, at least not with this dog. Perhaps for now I should stick with my cat.

To U-Haul or not

2007-07-27T18:51:00.000-05:00

Published in The Long Island Advance
July 26, 2007

As many of you know, I’m planning a move to Queens in the fall. Anticipating this I’ve begun to pack boxes. I don’t have much in the way of furniture, but boy, do I have a lot of boxes. They sit in closets or the spare rooms on the third floor of the house I’m living in, just waiting for me to carry them down three flights of stairs and out the door.

Initially when thinking about moving my thoughts were, “no big deal,” it’s just a bunch of boxes and some minor furnishings, figuring a U-Haul, my son Nick, and one or two of his friends and maybe a few pizzas’ and my move would be accomplished. My daughter, Erin, I suspect will be more like a “box unpacker” as like her mother, carrying heavy objects is not our thing.

In my mind my move was all figured out using a U-Haul and the man-woman power of my children. That was until I helped move Erin to Astoria a few weeks ago. It didn’t take long for me to decide that hiring professional movers was a much better idea. Twenty (well, maybe that’s a little bit of an exaggeration, but it felt like twenty) trips later, up three flights of stairs each time, and I was convinced of it.

The day of Erin’s move she and I drove to Queens early, my car packed with bags and boxes, wine glasses, a full length mirror, her laptop and TV. First we had to stop in Forest Hills to pick up the key from her new roommate. Of course the Map Quest directions were not quite accurate and not being familiar with the area, we drove around, and around, and around, until we eventually ended up in the general vicinity of where her roommate works and the elusive apartment keys. I finally found myself parked in front of a fire hydrant outside a church with the word “martyr” in the name. “Ah, the perfect spot,” I thought to myself.
Miraculously, we made it from Forest Hills to Astoria using directions provided to us by people who do not drive. Need I say more?

After my car was finally emptied, we had time to kill while waiting for her father to arrive with the U-Haul and her cousin and uncle, all there to be the furniture movers. In between we went looking for a mattress pad on Steinway Street and found ourselves in a linen store. As I walked in, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath saying to Erin, “I can’t believe it! We’re in the old Swezey’s linen store!” I was so excited to be there that I stopped thinking about my twenty trips up and down the three flights of stairs, and those that were yet to come.

The U-Haul was a drama unto itself. Even though I wasn’t actually driving it, I felt like I was, after all, this was a collective experience. Where were we going to park it? Where did we have to go to return it? When we couldn’t find the place to return it, what way were we going to drive to get it back to were it was picked up, since you can’t drive them on parkways? One mini U-Haul nightmare after another, found me making calls the next day for estimates from professional movers.

When she heard this, my mother’s first words were “We used to move your sister all the time and we never used movers.” I think she’s forgetting that was over twenty years ago and we’re all that much older now. Personally, I’m done with physical labor. I want someone to carry out my boxes, drive them to where I’m going, carry them in and leave me sitting on the floor in my new living room, unpacking them.

The Third Rail

2007-07-18T21:15:00.000-05:00

It's never a good thing when you're sitting on a stopped train, looking out the window and wondering how deep the water is that your train is sitting in. It's even worse when the engineer announces that you can't proceed because the water you're sitting in is over the "third rail!" Correct me if I'm wrong, but...isn't the "third rail" the electric one? He continued on by saying "We're not exactly sure what we're going to do next."

We obviously did not get electrocuted, which of course was my first thought. But knowing that I was sitting in a big metal box on something electic that was now covered by a river of water, was not a comforting thought at 8 AM this morning.

Well behaved women...

2007-06-30T15:20:00.001-05:00

One morning last week I left home early enough to stop in the deli and pick up a cup of coffee before having to make the train. While caught up in conversation with three women that I know from the area and who I haven’t seen in a while, an older gentleman walked into the deli, chuckling to himself.

“Who has the blue car outside with the bumper sticker?” he said looking from one to the other of us.

“The one that says ‘Well behaved women seldom make history?’” I asked, raising my eyebrows just a little.

“I expected to see some big burly guy in here with that on his car,” he said, laughing.

“No, that would be my car and my bumper sticker,” I replied, just a little puzzled.

Taking my coffee I said good-bye and left, still just slightly confused as to why the man in the deli would have expected that bumper sticker to be on a car driven by some “big, burly guy.” It wasn’t until I was sitting on the train that I realized he didn’t get it. He didn't understand that it’s the women who make noise, who ruffle feathers, who are not “well behaved” that do make history. He didn’t get that the statement I was making was that *I am not a well behaved woman,* nor do I ever intend to be.

Jeez…I wish I could have a “do over” of that conversation. Possibly I will be able to parlay this little bit of writing into a column for my next guest appearance in my local newspaper, in the hope that the man in the deli might read it and understand what “Well behaved women seldom make history” really means.

Two years of weblogging....

2007-06-29T23:00:00.000-05:00

Two years ago I started this weblog. Here I am, 86 posts later and starting my third year of writing in this space. Since June 29, 2005 I've finished my Bachelor's degree, my divorce became final and I've gotten a new job. Accomplishments that while I was working on them seemed as if they would never happen. (Somehow along the way I think that maybe I really have become a writer too.)

These are goals that I can now cross off my "To do list." One of the realizations that I've come to over the past two years of writing is that if you work hard enough toward accomplishing something that you really want, you can make it happen.

Hmmm.....I wonder what I'm going to be writing about over the next year of weblogging? In the mean time, maybe I should go out and have Margarita tonight in order to celebrate these 86 posts, and while I'm drinking, I'll write out a "To do list" for this coming year of weblogging. As is my nature, big and bold will prevail.

~Susan~

You go girl....

2007-06-22T20:43:00.001-05:00

This was an email that my good friend Jane sent me tonight. And, this is exactly why I love Jane and her husband Lewis (even though I don't know him very well.)

Since Jane doesn't have a weblog of her own even though I think she should, I'm going to post this email from her on mine.

I think Atlanta is going like having Jane and Lewis there, and will be an even greater place because of them.

Enjoy!

Tonight, we walked down to Piedmont Park for the annual PRIDE festival. (Gay Pride) A lot of the participants are staying at our hotel and we've been having fun with them, so even though we're not gay, we decided to check it out. Right outside the gate were 6 men with a bullhorn and a sign that read "Homos are in sin" Lewis and I walked up to them and I said "Judgment is the greatest sin." Thay all started yelling at us and telling us we would die in our sin. I said Jesus would never stand on their corner with them, and if he was here, he'd be crying for them and their cruel hearts. Lewis just kept telling them "Judging others is a sin against God." It was great. I was accused of being a sick Lesbian!! I answered, "Actually, I've bee married for 27 years to that man...and together, we love ALL of our neighbors." And they were horrified. I told them they needed to read the Bible and not just the chosen tracts from their cult. The police escorted us across the street. We were followed by a bunch of nice, cheering women who Lewis thought smelled really good even though they weren't interested in him at all. I think I like Atlanta a lot.

Love,Jane

Maybe I'll just nap

2007-06-21T21:43:00.000-05:00

Published in the Long Island Advance

I’m now a commuter, and whatever made me think it would be a breeze, I can’t imagine. Prior to starting my new job, I had visions of spending my three hour per day train ride in a much more productive manner than I have been. Three hours is a long time to sit and do nothing. It’s tiring sitting on a train, and lately on my way home at night I’ve been feeling the need to nap.

The one nice thing about my morning commute has been that I’m sitting next to my daughter Erin on the 7:17 AM train each day. She’s been doing this for over a year now and has mastered all the finer nuances of being a daily commuter. I understand from her example that one does not talk on one’s cell phone early in the morning, nor carry on any kind of in-depth conversation or heated discussion when those around them have still not woken up yet, and relish silence on their morning ride. I find myself becoming annoyed with the realtor sitting ahead of me who is leaving message after message for people who have not yet arrived in their offices at 7:30 in the morning, and figure that she must not be a regular commuter, as regular commuters know the rules. And the same rules apply for the return trip, although there does seem some flexibility in the “conversation” factor. However, flexibility does not mean that it’s OK to spend an hour on your Nextel phone, having a walkie-talkie type conversation, with every sentence prefaced by that annoying beeping sound that the entire car of people can hear. IPod’s come in handy at times like these.

Sitting next to Erin has other perks as well. She holds my coffee while I open a breakfast bar to eat as a morning meal, and I return the favor as she sits, scraping all the extra butter off the roll she sometimes buys from the coffee truck that’s outside the train station every morning. You can’t do that if you’re sitting next to a stranger. She’s also taught me exactly when I want to get up from my seat in order to stand by the door, waiting to exit at the Jamaica train station. From her perspective this is important, as you need to make a quick getaway from the first train in order to get a seat on the second one. This is not really an issue for me, since I get off in Jamaica and take the subway to Woodhaven. Yet, it’s important information to know for those days when I do have to travel into Manhattan in the morning.

Erin and I have not lived together in a while, so seeing her five mornings a week has been lovely and she has eased the transition into my new world. I sometimes get lost in the transitions of my life, so sitting next to her each morning has meant a great deal to me. Oddly enough, we’ve been heading in the same direction, she, a few steps ahead of me, paving the way for her very grateful mother.

Next month I’ll be commuting without my daughter, who is finally moving closer to her job. I’m excited for her, knowing that this is something she’s wanted for a while, and knowing that I’ll continue to follow in her footsteps. She’ll find the best places for an occasional Sunday breakfast; she’ll know where the parks and the laundries are, where in her new neighborhood you can shop for shoes, bags and perfume, and the quickest way to get into Manhattan. And she won’t mind if her mother apartment hunts in her new neighborhood either.

In the mean time though, I’m going to have to figure out a way to be more productive during my three hour commute. Perhaps I can relearn Spanish by downloading lessons onto my iPod, or listen to books. Writing too might be an option, but since I prefer to type as opposed to actually write in longhand, I struggle with that. When I bought my Dell laptop I thought six pounds sounded light, that was only until I tried lugging around that six pound laptop along with all the other essential stuff I carry to and from work. So, maybe I should give up the need to feel productive….and just nap.

Leaving less of a footprint

2007-05-24T18:43:00.000-05:00

Published in The Long Island Advance
May 24, 2007

It’s difficult to live in the world today and not have heard the words “global warming.” You can’t open a newspaper or read a magazine, go online or watch television without seeing something related to this topic. I’m initially good at not paying attention to issues that seem far greater then I am. If our government refuses to see the light, what can I, one person do about it?

For me it’s become increasingly difficult to ignore this subject. Some would like us to believe that scientists are needlessly scaring us, but I’ve decided not to take that chance. That’s why I now own six reusable shopping bags that I take when I go to the grocery store.

Ever since grocery stores replaced paper bags with the plastic ones, I’ve hated them. My five or six reusable bags hold the same amount as 12 plastic bags, which would often spill their contents all over the trunk of my car. I do wish that my environmentally friendly shopping bags were just a little less flashy though. They’re a bit too bright, but no matter, I’m not trying to make a fashion statement, just an environmental one.

Often when shopping in local grocery stores I look around me to see if anyone else is using the flashy bags and I have yet to spot anyone. I’m very good about making sure those bags are always in the trunk of my car and ready to use should I need to make a run to the store. Sure, once in a while I forget them and have to use the plastic ones. (I still haven’t figured out what to put the cat litter in, so for now I continue to need a few.) Yet, I would love to see more people leaving the store with all their groceries in the flashy new bags.

Leaving less of a carbon footprint is important to me. There are huge political issues involved. More than I have the time, the space, or the understanding of to write about here. For me, this is about being responsible for what my impact here on earth is. I can’t help believe that if everyone gave just a little more thought to that, it might very well make a difference. I think being
environmentally responsible now might be an important gift I can give to my children and theirs.

You all know how I feel about my car. Although for me one of the biggest draws to moving to a more urban area is avoiding those car dilemmas that I’ve written about, another is the fact that I will further decrease my carbon footprint. I realize that it’s almost impossible to live in Suffolk County without one, so I’m not anticipating a mad rush of people to follow in my particular footsteps. All I would really like to do is to get you to think in simple terms about what you can do to help stop global warming.

The Inuit’s are falling through thin ice while hunting; Polar Bears are starving while their natural habitat melts before their eyes. The poorest countries in the world will suffer the most, and the riches, the least. Maybe those of us here today won’t feel that suffering, but it’s a sure bet that the generation that comes after us will.

Do something to decrease your carbon footprint. Even if all it is, is to replace your light bulbs or start to shop for local produce, or to make a fashion statement by using those fancy new grocery store bags.

A cyber flirt

2007-05-23T19:54:00.000-05:00

Dane is probably the most gorgeous man I have ever seen……dark hair, dark eyes, amazing smile and just overall, a beautiful specimen of a guy. He contacted me on My Space with a message that had the word “Princess” in it. I’m not normally one to respond to the name “Princess.” Although I have to say, it was far different coming from a 32 year old, as opposed to reading posts by the 60 something men who are “looking for a Princess to spoil,” and they want her to be 21. To say that I was flattered would be an understatement.

Dane is a man who likes “mature women.” I am a woman who likes “mature men.” And although I like my men with some edges, his are just a bit more then I would be comfortable with. However, that did not stop me from cyber flirting with him for 24 hours. I did have to finally decline a picture exchange that would have included him sans towel. That was so difficult to do. I really would have liked to have seen that picture. The one with the towel was pretty incredible, believe me.

While caught up in my little bit of cyber flirting, it didn’t matter to me that we had not one thing in common, other than we both believe in the theory that “anything is possible.” It didn’t take me long to realize that I want to flirt with someone else that I have more in common with though. And once again I have come full circle, right back to Harry.

Dane was like “thinking about having a really crazy, calorie laden dessert,” and then making a different choice, one that is still decadent and delicious, but better for me. Of course that remains to be seen too……..

Stepping off a cliff

2007-05-23T19:40:00.000-05:00

I cannot freakin’ breathe. On my way home from work tonight I called everyone I know (well, not everyone), looking for someone who could talk me down from the edge of this cliff I feel like I’m standing on.

There are two more days left at my current job. And, tomorrow really doesn’t count since it’s almost tomorrow, and since there’s a meeting in the morning and then I suspect, a much larger “good-bye” lunch than I’ll be comfortable with. So, really….it’s more like one more day left.

How did I get here?! Must have been that whole “putting one barefoot in front of the other” thing I was doing. Now I’m looking over the edge of the precipice and feeling like I’m on that “Sky Walk” that’s hanging out from the edge of the Grand Canyon. Not something I would enjoy doing. I don’t like standing too close to the edge, unless there’s a man involved.

Tuesday morning I’ll be on the 7:17 train to Jamaica. I’m leaving a job I’ve done for 14 years to take one that I have no experience with, although thankfully I was not foolish enough to leave my current nonprofit work world. I did come to realize that this particular nonprofit world is a good fit for me, and I really don’t think I have the personality to work in the “for profit” world anyway.

Moving to a more urban area is more profitable in the nonprofit world, if that makes any sense. And it looks like that’s exactly what I’m doing, starting a new job in Queens next Tuesday, with a move to follow. Stepping off a cliff, or if I want to be just a little less dramatic, walking through a new open door, into a world that’s the same, yet different.

I’ve written and now I’ll walk. It’s time’s like these that I wish I were a runner. I would be forced to breathe then……

A Strike of Lightning

2007-05-18T22:06:00.000-05:00

Today I got my divorce papers in the mail. They were signed by the judge on 4/11/07....exactly two and a half years to the day that I left to start a new life........

A Strike of Lightening
November 7, 2006

Written for Adv. Creative Writing (Got an A in that class.)

When the lightning struck Emma the dagger like point entered through the top of her head and coursed through her body, discharging through the soles of her feet, and rooting her into the blacktop of the parking lot. Her blue Chevy Trailblazer shimmed in the summer heat as it reflected off the blacktop, making the truck look like a desert mirage sitting atop the flatbed truck.

A young male voice on the other end of the phone informed her that she would need to come out into the parking lot in order to remove her personal belongings from that very truck, as he was there to repossess it.

“What the fuck am I doing?,” Emma whispered aloud to herself as she stood there, the young man occupied with fishing her 500 bank deposit slips from above her sun visor, her CD carry case from the glove box and her umbrella from somewhere under the back seat.

Too shocked to even panic, Emma just stood there, hoping that no one from her office would choose this time to venture out to the parking lot. With that thought just barely complete a voice behind her said, “Hey, what’s the matter with your car? Why is it on a flatbed?”

“Ah…ah…I had trouble with the steering on my way in to the office this morning, so the mechanic sent a flatbed to pick it up,” replied Emma to Sara, the office receptionist, who often knew too much about other peoples business. Satisfied with that response, Sara went on her way, leaving Emma to glance uncomfortably at the repo guy, who was now standing next to her with all her car valuables in his hands.

“Here’s the number you can call if you plan to get your truck back,” he said, handing her his card along with her pile of belongings.

“Thanks. I’ve already called my husband and he’s taking care of it,” she replied, thinking back a few minutes to her hurried conversation with Anthony when she furiously whispered into the phone, asking him how this could be happening.

There was nothing left to do, but stand and watch the repo guy climb up into the cab of his truck and drive off with hers.

Emma could not allow herself to think about what had just happened. She knew that if she started to cry, she might never stop. In that short span of time, almost all her worst fears had manifested themselves in the form of a truck on a flatbed. Breathing deeply, she walked back into her office and pretended that nothing had happened. She realized that she’d become very good at putting things that bother her, away. Hiding them in dark corners of her mind, never to be exposed to sunlight or examined in any way.

“Are you picking me up from work?” she asked Anthony, calling him when she got back to her desk.

“Of course I am,” he responded. “I’m so sorry baby. I swear I thought I had it under control. I called the bank to arrange paying them. They never said anything about repossessing the car.”
Possibly in shock, his words were meaningless to her. It was almost as if he were speaking a different language, one that she no longer understood, nor realized now, that she wanted to invest any more time to learn.

Somehow, she managed to pretend that all was well and get through the rest of her day. If nothing else, work preoccupied her, allowing her not to think about what had happened. The lightning strike had numbed her. The flash, blinding her and making her feel as if she was no longer who she use to be.

At the end of her work day, she left at her usual time, walking out as if to get in her car, the one that was no longer in the parking lot. Instead, she got into Anthony’s car and could barely speak to him. He did nothing but apologize the entire way home. “I’m so sorry that happened to you,” he said, over and over again. Gazing out her window, not wanting to look at him, her only response was, “I know.”

What he didn’t know though, was that one of her greatest fears had come true, and she somehow survived it. What he didn’t know was that for years she worried about the possibility of loosing the house they lived in to foreclosure and in that one blinding flash of lightning, she realized that her house was just a house. It was a noose around their necks that just kept getting tighter with every day that passed. And what she also realized in that flash of light was that she no longer loved this man sitting next to her. That the years of constantly worrying about when the next shoe would drop had taken a huge toll on her and that she could no longer live this kind of life. A life of mortgaging, and re-mortgaging the house that she loved so much, of creditors calling so many times over the course of the day that no one in the house ever answered the phone anymore, and that his desire to never talk to her about money, or bills, allowing her to worry alone, had killed all that she ever felt for him.

Riding next to him in his car as he held her hand, all she could think about, was how she would ever end this. How would she walk away from a man she had known longer then she had not known him; leave this person who was the first love of her life, the father of her two children? How would she explain to others who never saw any indication of discord between them, that she was ending this 26 year marriage because she could not live the rest of her life, so desperately unhappy? How would she ever say the words, “I don’t love you any more,” or the words, “I don’t want to be married to you anymore?”

These were the thoughts that she had put away in that dark place inside of her. The thoughts that came spilling out, as if the door of an overloaded closet had been opened, letting everything fall out and onto the floor. Here they all were, scattered about the floor, only instead of things like old fishing poles, hats and gloves or shoe boxes, they were the random bits of her life over the past 26 years….laying there crushed and broken in front of her….shards of broken glass, reflecting her image back to her, an image that she no longer recognized.

Car dilemmas

2007-05-17T21:44:00.000-05:00

As published in The Long Island Advance, May 17th, 2007

I dislike what I’ve come to refer to as “car dilemmas” and decided a while back that I don’t really want to be a car owner. Thankfully my car has so far been very reliable and overall has not given me much of a problem. That was until my most recent oil change though, when the mechanic had me stand underneath it and showed me that yes, I did indeed have an oil leak.

Cars are not my thing. I’m sure that if I wanted to be good with them, I would be capable of it. After all, I’ve reached a point in my life when I’ve decided that I can be good at anything I choose. Never having been one who liked getting my hands dirty other then in garden soil, cars are not something I would ever choose to be good with though. I can check my tire pressure and put air in if need be. I can check my oil and add that as well. Anything other than that, I’m not interested in knowing about. This is much to the disappointment of my father, who I’m sure would love it if I took more of an interest in my vehicle, and who will often say to me, “So, how many miles do you have your car now?” With me usually responding by saying, “Hmmm…I don’t really know.”

I want to say this is not a female thing but I suspect it might be. Most of my female friends do not have any great understanding or interest in how their vehicles work and I have yet to run into a female auto mechanic. Before you jump all over me, let me just add that I’m sure there are wonderful female auto mechanics out there in the world, they just don’t inhabit my particular corner of it.

So far I’ve had to get new brakes, tires all the way around and replace the driver’s side mirror. Not bad considering it’s a seven year old car that I’ve had for two years. Yet, add up the car payment, insurance, maintenance and gas, and in my estimation, I’m looking at half a rent payment.

My only concern regarding transportation is that I get where I need to go with the least amount of drama possible, hence my love of public transportation and my desire to relocate to New York City. All you have to know how to do is buy a Metro card, swipe it at the turnstile and be able to read a subway and bus map, or sometimes in my case, have someone reliable you can call who can give you directions.

Yes, I know that public transportation can be smelly and hot in the summer and in the winter being crammed into a subway car filled with germs may not appeal to some, and yet for me, it would a relief. No more having to pump gas using the slow speed because my particular vehicle does not like it when you pump the gas fast, causing the pump handle to click off every fifty-cents worth. No more having to look at the tires and wonder to myself “Does that one look low?” because I can’t find the tire gauge. No more having to think about replacing the timing belt when I hit 90,000 miles or having to get the book out to remember how to change the time on the clock.

Moving to the city is not something to do just because I want to avoid car dilemmas, but it is a factor. I drive, a lot, and I’m tired of doing it. I want someone else to do the driving for a while. I like the idea of sitting with a book or my iPod and arriving at my destination relaxed and well read.

Bargain books

2007-05-17T19:57:00.000-05:00

I have got to stop buying books! Last year I donated about 40 of them to the local Good Will store, the same store that I just came home from and where I purchased a 20 lb copy of The Readers Digest Great Encyclopedia Dictionary for $1.99, in hard cover of course, and published in 1966.

All inclusive for $1.99 is Funk & Wagnalls Standard College Dictionary from A-Z, The Story of Writing, The History of English, Word Origins, Better Usage, Spelling, Punctuation, Capitalization, Grammar, Correspondence, Manuscript Preparation, and Pronunciation. Also inside are the Dictionary of Space, a Medical Dictionary, a Dictionary of Slang, Quotations from Reader’s Digest, First Names, Signs and Symbols, How to Find Information and Foreign Language Dictionaries in German, French and Spanish. How could I resist all that?

I wonder who this book belonged too prior to my coming along and finding it. Has it been sitting on a shelf in someone’s house for the past 40 years? How did it come to find its way to the Good Will store? Maybe in the same way that the Merriam Webster one that I donated to the same store last year got there, there was no more room on the bookshelf and it had to go. Or maybe something much more exotic happened…I might have to let my imagination run away with me at some future date while gazing at it on my book shelf.

In essence I have now replaced my old dictionary, with an even older one. I also have a new dictionary/thesaurus that I use too. It’s a desk version and does not weigh 20 lbs. When I’m not rushed for time I prefer to actually look up in the real book the word I need, as opposed to using the online dictionary. Tactile is so much more…. me.

Ever since my Costco membership lapsed I’ve been able to stop buying new books. Now I buy the old ones. I’ve substituted one addiction for another. I did however refrain from buying a copy of the Gulag Archipelago. I first tried reading that when I was 15. After leafing through it tonight I decided I probably wouldn’t like it any better almost 35 years later. But…….it was only $1.99. Bargain books, so very hard for me to resist.

I’m staying out of the Good Will store. After donating 40 books last year, I’m back up by more than half that. That said this really is a very cool dictionary.

Harry wants to know

2007-05-10T21:25:00.000-05:00

This was published in The Long Island Advance - May 10, 2007

Well, Brian is once again vacationing in Arizona and I’m back for a few weeks. It’s been a while and I’m not quite sure where I left off. While thinking about what to write, I had a discussion with my friend Harry. Harry has repeatedly asked me why I don’t write about science, health, technology, politics or things of that nature, and then suggested that maybe I should write about why “I’m afraid” to write about those topics. I seem to be having a hard time convincing him that writing about getting a new life is the only kind of writing I feel motivated to do at this point, and that no, I’m not the least bit afraid to tackle other subjects. It’s just that currently I’m not doing so.

Reading about science, healthcare and technology are activities that I enjoy, and in no way do I feel qualified to write about them, other than from the view point of a casual observer. Since I am technologically challenged and would be lost without Mike, my computer guy, writing about technology is probably not going to be a topic I would attempt either, other then to possibly regale you with amusing stories about how little I know.

Right now I feel compelled to write about my observations of life from the soap box that currently belongs to me. That does not mean I don’t want write about Charlie Sheen narrating one of those conspiracy theory documentaries about how 9/11 was perpetrated by our government, or that I think about how prophetic Bruce Springsteen was when he said years ago at a concert, “Blind faith in your leaders will get you killed,” or that I love Stephon Marbury because his name is on basketball sneakers that cost $14.98 and are affordable for almost all kids. I have opinions about people like Condoleezza Rice and wonder why she has not been much of a supporter of women in general, let alone women of color, and I think about how much I like Nancy Pelosi because she is not a “well behaved woman,” and is in fact a great role model for all women. I think about a myriad of other subjects, but in this space I write about my own little world. And I write about it because other women have whispered their secrets in my ear and told me how they admire what I’m doing and how brave they think it is.

In some ways I feel as if I’ve become the poster child for middle aged women who find themselves in the position of having to create a new life from the ground up. Or even just for those who would never dream of taking a slightly different path to get where they want to go. And when other women tell me that they can relate, it makes me feel not quite so alone standing up here on my soap box and I hope, does the same for them as well.

Harry is good at throwing down the gauntlet and challenging me to reach a bit higher. Being challenged works for me. I have lofty goals and ambitions and I’m done being afraid to go after them. Actually, there isn’t much I’m afraid of anymore. I write as the spirit moves me. It’s not likely to be telling me that I should write about technology, other than possibly my new iPod, or about some science related topic. Right now these are the words I feel driven to write. Harry will just have to wait a while until I can get my act together enough to think about something other than what it’s like to stand on top of this particular soap box, and begin to write about new things. And I will, probably sooner rather than later.

Poor Paris

2007-05-08T19:06:00.001-05:00

Paris Hilton thinks the governor of California should pardon her. Oh, my freakin' God. I really want to curse right now.

Poor Paris. My heart bleeds for her. Heaven forbid she should be held accountable for her actions and have to live with the consequences of them.

A new job and a medical drama....

2007-05-04T21:34:00.000-05:00

This is the first opportunity I've had to document in this particular space that I HAVE A NEW JOB!!

Yes, after months of sending my resume out into the darkness of cyberspace, it's over! I finally gave up doing that and decided what I needed to do, was network with people that I knew. And wah-la...a new position in Woodhaven, Queens. I am so excited. I do however wish that my current job were not quite so stressful. It's been so crazy that I'm having difficulty thinking.

Then there's the fact that next week I need to have my gall bladder removed. Like I need to add that little medical drama to my "to do list" prior to starting a new position. I was hoping to spend a few days in Florida visiting JoAnne....and instead I'm going to have to sit home for a few days and recover from surgery. I'm going to will myself to be one of those people who makes a fast recovery. Really....there is no other choice.

I can't wait to start apartment hunting......

more music

2007-04-24T21:01:00.000-05:00

"The miles are getting longer it seems. The closer I get to you."
Home by Chris Daughtry

"Then I CRASHED into you. And I went up in flames. Could've been the death of me. But then you breathed your breath in me.

Then I CRASHED into you. Like a runaway train. You will consume me, but I can't walk away. Somehow I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted to know how it felt. Too strong, I couldn't hold on. I'm just trying to make some sense. Out of how and why this happened. Where we're headed there's just no knowing."
Crashed by Nina Ossoff, Dana Calitri, Kathy Sommer and Chris Daughtry

A Dominatrix and Jell-O

2007-04-19T20:36:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine's girlfriend lives across the hall from a Dominatrix. According to Ron she's quite sweet except to her clients, who aren't looking for sweet. She has a cage in her living room that some of them spend time in. My, how this life of mine has changed. Could I ever have imagined knowing someone who knows someone who lives across the hall from a Dominatrix? Colorful is how I would describe it.

And although not related to the above topic in the least, I've been thinking about Jell-O. What food group do you think it falls under? Or maybe it's not a food at all. A number of years ago there was a show on TV about a group of aliens who come to earth to observe how we live. It was really funny and John Lithgow was their leader. I can still remember the episode where they discover Jell-O and it terrifies them. It stands out as one of the funnier TV moments I can ever remember.

Nancy Pelosi

2007-04-05T19:20:00.000-05:00

Soooo....not a well behaved woman.

And I just love her.

Much better choice as a role model for women than Condoleezza Rice is.

Love comes....

2007-04-01T11:43:00.000-05:00

Even though I "claim" to not believe in things like horoscope readings...this is part of mine for April:

"Romance, then, is rich with passion and complicated by a struggle to push past your own fears. In many ways, it's better to dive in now, going too far too fast, rather than tiptoeing into a relationship. Love comes when you're brave and bold, and your heart is strong enough to handle it." Jeff Jawer

I'm still trying to decide what I think about this.

And one more thing....today I would be married 29 years, only the clock stopped 3 years ago. My divorce is almost final.

March Christmas Trees

2007-03-29T12:43:00.000-05:00

Today is March 29th and there is still a 7-1/2 foot, fully decorated Christmas Tree standing in the middle of the living room in the house I'm living in. It's not my Christmas Tree though, so taking it down is really not an option, much as I would like too. It was even plugged in and sparking in all it's glory last weekend when I had a birthday dinner for my mother.

I suspect the tree might still be standing there when the air conditioners are turned on. It's a good bet that my brother plans to just leave it up indefinitely. Sort of like those people who carry their trees, decorations and all up to their attics, cover them, and then carry them back down a year later, plug them in and they're ready to celebrate. Only in his case you don't bother to carry it anywhere. It'll just stand in the living room all year long until people like me just stop looking at it and start to pretend it's not there.

Oh...it's also 2 PM and the Christmas Carol Clock hanging in the kitchen just chimed "Hark the Herald Angel Sing." I've decided not to remove the clock until the tree comes down.

Jed and Charlie

2007-03-28T21:00:00.000-05:00

I’m having a difficult time believing that Charlie Sheen is Jed Bartlett’s son. And yes, I do realize that Jed Bartlett wasn’t really our President, but over the past six years or so, there were many times when I wanted him to be…. and maybe even a few when I pretended it was so.

While driving to work this morning I heard on the radio that Charlie Sheen is narrating one of those “conspiracy theory” documentaries that would like us to believe that 9/11 was perpetrated by our government. (Probably the same bunch of people who want us to believe that we didn’t land on the moon, or those that say the Holocaust did happen either.)

Imagine all the “secret preparation” that would have to go into planning that. I, for one, can’t believe that something of that magnitude could even remotely be kept a secret by our government. Nor could I ever imagine a reason why our government would want to do something so horrific….. although I’m sure the makers of the documentary will have a theory. And not having any desire to know what it is, I’ll just have to remain in the dark.

I wonder what Jed Bartlett thinks about his son being an idiot…..

Starbury

2007-03-25T22:11:00.000-05:00

Those of you who know me know that I am not a sports enthusiast of any kind. Once in a while I’ll watch a NY Mets game, but otherwise, I avoid sports pretty much like the plague. And yet I have to ask…..how cool is Stephon Marbury, Point Guard for the New York Knicks? Of course this is a rhetorical question since I would not be writing about him if I didn’t think he was very cool. And prior to watching 20/20 on TV last night, I only had a passing acquaintance with his name (and I really have no idea what a point guard is.)

There’s a lot to be said about a man who has a social conscience and who gives back not only to the community that he came from, but to others as well.

“He has been named to The Sporting News list of 'Good Guys in Sports' three times. He was one of the highest donors to the NBA Player Associations Katrina Relief effort, donating 1 million dollars to the effort. He currently has 7 barbers on hire in Coney Island giving free haircuts to neighborhood children.

Recently, Marbury partnered with Steve & Barry's to promote a line of shoes and clothing bearing his nickname, ‘Starbury’. Understanding the pressure that inner-city kids face to spend $150-$200 on footwear sold by other companies such as Nike, Reebok, and Adidas, his line of shoes will sell for $14.98. He will be wearing these shoes on court for the entirety of 2006-07 season. Marbury is not being paid to endorse the shoes, but will be compensated based solely on how well they sell. Now, Marbury has promised to give out a free pair of Starbury ones to every high school varsity basketball player in New York City.” (Wikipedia)

Barbers….the man has barbers on call to give children haircuts. And, he wears the basketball sneakers on the court that have his name on them, that only cost $14.98.

According to Starbury, no basketball sneaker is going to “make you run faster, or jump higher,” whether it cost $200 or $14.98. When an expert shoe designer was asked to cut apart and analyze the expensive shoe vs. his shoe, there was no discernable difference…imagine that? All reason enough for me to take up watching Stephon Marbury/Starbury and the NY Knicks play basketball.

If I’m going to watch a sport, Stephon Marbury is a darn good reason to do so. And for no other reason other than to just watch him run up and down a basketball court in a pair of sneakers that inner-city kids can afford too.

All At Once

2007-03-24T18:41:00.000-05:00

I love song lyrics. They're like poetry for me. I have a few songs posted on here, all that have some sort of meaning for me. This is my current theme song.

All At Once
By The Fray

There are certain people you just keep coming back to
She is right in front of you
You begin to wonder could you find a better one
Compared to her now she's in question
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Looking for the right one you line up the world to find
Where no questions cross your mind
But she won't keep on waiting for you without a doubt
Much longer for you to sort it out
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it,
Maybe it's all you're running from,
Perfection will not come
And all at once the crowd begins to sing
Sometimes We'd never know what's wrong without the pain
Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same

Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you've started to compare to someone not there
Maybe you want it maybe you need it
Maybe it's all you're running from Perfection will not come
Maybe you want her maybe you need her
Maybe you had her maybe you lost her to another
To another

Bi-polar Susan

2007-03-23T21:09:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that this web blog is a tad "bi-polar" again lately. By that I mean one post is of the "up" variety and the next, is maybe not so up. I have to start working on that. The Drama Queen appears at times when certain things are going on in my life and she just has to have her say....no matter how hard I try to silence her. I've stuffed her mouth full of chocolate covered marshmallows as a means to shut her up, but so far, it hasn't done any good. She can still type.

(I tend to write when the spirit strikes me, and usually that's over the head with either the happy or sad stick........ and sometimes, it's a club.)

Sitting in a train station

2007-03-23T20:56:00.000-05:00

For such a large train station, the Jamaica Station has a very small indoor waiting room. The waiting area itself has just three ticket windows and one bench that sits against the far wall and that can hold only four people, a few automatic ticket vending machines and a little alcove where one can buy a paper or magazine and some snack items.

Sitting on the bench against the wall after her job interview in Queens, she watched a couple who were on the other side of the room as they stood waiting for a track to be posted. And while watching them, she saw herself and Harry as they stood in Penn Station three weeks ago. This couple, considerable younger than she and Harry but not teenagers, looked like they belonged together. And yet she knows full well how deceiving looks can be. To those observing her and Harry a few weeks ago, they too probably looked like they were together. And yes, in so many ways they were during those moments in time, and yet in one or two fundamental ways, they remain worlds apart.

She sat watching as the young woman, long dark hair and black coat, stood right next to the man she was with, and watched as their body language spoke volumes about them. She watched as they leaned toward each other, always seeming to drift into one another space… or as one hand would blindly search for the hand of the other and then hold it in a way that seemed so sweet to her. His arm would circle around her waist and he would run his hand up and down her back. She knows what all that feels like. She can close her eyes and feel Harry’s hand in hers, or his arm around her. And if she keeps her eyes closed she can feel Harry’s mouth on hers and remember what he tastes like.

She has observed Harry and herself as if strangers were looking at them, similar to the way she is watching the couple in front of her. She has this ability to look at them from afar, in an out-of-body experience kind of way. She first did this when they sat on the subway together, traveling to their respective train stations almost two summers ago, after their trip to the Museum of Natural History. She watched their reflection in the window of the subway and saw two people who looked as if they belonged to one another, and yet they did not. They held hands, they lightly kissed, and they did not talk much. She didn’t know how difficult it was going to be to say good-bye to him. Every parting with him has been difficult and she wonders if he struggles with the good-bye’s as much as she does? If she knew when the next “Hello” would be, maybe the goodbyes would not be so hard.

While closing her eyes for a moment to think about all these things, the couple she was watching disappeared. In her imaginary world, she sees them sitting next to each other, holding hands, traveling to who knows where, but the important thing for her is that in her mind, they’re together. Unlike she and Harry, who stand in train stations with their arms around each other, waiting until it’s time to kiss goodbye, and she, wanting so badly to know when the next kiss “hello” will be.

The apartment in my head....

2007-03-16T09:56:00.000-05:00

This is in my vision book. Yes, I know....some of you are shaking your heads....and I don't care. I'm a firm believer that if you can see it, then it can/will happen.

I can see the details of my new home in my head…..cozy, subdued lighting that reflects the warmth of the rose quartz color of the walls I plan to paint my bedroom…that beautiful pinky/purple/dark lavender color that you can sometimes see when the sun is setting. The beautiful bedding on my bed, heaped with pillows, bookshelf headboard overflowing with all my favorite books. A print of The Young Martyr, by Paul Delaroche, serenly floating in the water and hung above my bed. (Yes, she’s dead, but she’s very peaceful and beautiful.) Plush scatter rugs around the room, a large wicker chest at the foot of the bed, storing the flannel sheets and extra blankets that I can’t fit anywhere else as closet space is very limited.

In the kitchen I can see the stainless steel measuring cups and spoons from William Sonoma sitting on the granite counter top next to the peach or plum kuchen I will be making because friends are coming over to visit. The white kitchen cabinets and stainless steel appliances in this vision, reflective of all the online apartment hunting I’ve done on Craig’s List. On the wall above a small kitchen table I’ve hung my Max Moran print of “Joy’s Deli,” and when I look up at it, it’s cool that I know *the Joy* who this deli is named after. The picture an ever present reminder of my not to distant past working with the *real Joy* and not in a deli I might add.

In the living room I can see sea shells, a clump of barnacles and a star fish sitting on top of the dark wooden book shelf I got from Paul and Brooke at our yard sale, and in one corner, the white wooden rocking chair with a tapestry throw in a garden design, draped over the arm of it, and where I sit to read, or talk on the phone……a standing floor lamp with a stained glass shade right behind it. The walls of my living room are painted a sienna color, or possibly even a sunflower yellow. Who would have thought that I, a person so drawn to cool colors, would want to paint everything in shades of warmth? An, apartment size sofa that opens up to become a bed, sits on top of an Oriental area rug that covers the warm hard wood floors that exists throughout this place that I live. (I need the sofa bed so that I when my various family members come to visit, they have a comfortable place to sleep…comfortable places to sleep are a must in this life of mine.)

This is a 1.5 bedroom apartment. The .5 part is an alcove space that doubles as an office/reading area for me. A nice size overstuffed chair in a floral pattern, with an ottoman sits catty cornered looking out the large door way into the living room. Sheer white curtains are hung from the doorway on a heavy white wooden rod and are tied back on either side with lengths of ribbon. Against one narrow wall is a small desk, just big enough for my laptop and crammed with pads of paper, pens, pencils, and my Oxford American Desk Dictionary and Thesaurus, because I can’t spell, yet if I have time, I love to actually look words up, as opposed to using spell check.....

This is as far as this particular vision has progressed. I think there might be a fire escaped outside the kitchen with a pot of geraniums on it. I've bought the floor lamp and it's not stained glass, but it's really nice and I love it. It's going to stay in the box for now. And...Target should be delivering the two sets of book shelves I've ordered any day now. They sort of look like ladders...the shelves narrow at the top and getting progressivly wider as you reach the bottom. They too will hang out in their boxes until I can unfold them in this apartment.

The Secret...again

2007-03-07T21:32:00.000-05:00

Tonight I actually watched the movie The Secret. Now I'm completely jazzed and hopefully it will last. My new writer friend Ron thinks it's all psychobable...but not me. I love this kind of stuff.

I realized after watching the movie that although I'm good at visualizing what I want, I worry too much, or think too hard about how it's going to happen. What I need to do is turn that around and visualize it all, as if it has happened.......and feel how wonderful it is!

So, I'm making a Visualization Book. It already exists in bits and pieces. I'm just going to put it all in one spot so that I can see it in a concrete way. I'm going to include the paint samples of the colors I'm painting my apartment, pictures I'm cutting out of the Pottery Barn catalog of the table and bed I want and all the other things I'm working to achieve.... including ideas for a book or two. You never know what will happen.

Of course I have to find the perfect book to put this in. It can't be just any book....after all, it's my new life we're talking here. I have a few that I carry around to jot things down in, but they are way to small to contain this big life I want.

100 quotes from "The Secret"

2007-03-04T20:42:00.000-05:00

WOW...this is two blog posts in one night! I'm not sure who I got these from. These quotes came in an email to me and I suspect that they were sent by my friend Jonathan...the same friend who recently sent me the web link to the movie. I actually tried to watch the movie online tonight, only to have it keep stopping. I've decided to just buy it on DVD. However, I do think it's just a little odd that I stumbled upon this Word Doc. tonight while searching for something else. Odd in the sense that not two hours ago I was trying to watch the movie...and here....I have 100 quotes from it. Maybe I attracted this....hmmmmm....

100 quotes from "The Secret"

1. We all work with one infinite power.
2. The Secret is the Law of Attraction (LOA).
3. Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting.
4. We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what you think.
5. Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy.
6. People think about what they don't desire and attract more of the same.
7. Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation.
8. You attract your dominant thoughts.
9. Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of prosperity have it, etc.
10. It's not "wishful" thinking.
11. You can't have a universe without the mind entering into it.
12. Choose your thoughts carefully; you are a masterpiece of your life.
13. It's OK that thoughts don't manifest into reality immediately (if we saw a picture of an elephant and it instantly appeared, that would be too soon).
14. EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted-accept that fact-it's true.
15. Your thoughts cause your feelings.
16. We don't need to complicate all the "reasons" behind our emotions. It's much simpler than that. Two categories-good feelings and bad feelings.
17. Thoughts that bring about good feelings mean you are on the right track. Thoughts that bring about bad feelings means you are not on the right track.
18. Whatever it is you are feeling is a perfect reflection of what is in the process of becoming.
19. You get exactly what you are FEELING.
20. Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances.
21. You can begin feeling whatever you desire (even if it's not there)-the universe will correspond to the nature of your song.
22. What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract into your experience.
23. What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is ALWAYS a match - no exception.
24. Shift your awareness.
25. "You create your own universe as you go along" Winston Churchill
26. It's important to feel good ( ( ( (((good))) ) ) )
27. You can change your emotion immediately-by thinking of something joyful, or singing a song, or remembering a happy experience.
28. When you get the hang of this, before you know it you will KNOW you are the creator.
29. Life can and should be phenomenal-and it will be when you consciously apply the Law of Attraction.
30. Universe will re-arrange itself accordingly.
31. Start by using this sentence for all of your desires: "I'm so happy and grateful now that…."
32. You don't need to know HOW the universe is going to rearrange itself.
33. LOA is simply figuring out for yourself what will generate the positive feelings of having it NOW.
34. You might get an inspired thought or idea to help you move towards what you desire faster.
35. The universe likes SPEED. Don't delay, don't second-guess, don't doubt.
36. When the opportunity or impulse is there-ACT
37. You will attract everything you require - money, people, connections-PAY ATTENTION to what's being set in front of you.
38. You can start with nothing-and out of nothing or no way, a WAY will be provided.
39. HOW LONG??? No rules on time-the more aligned you are with positive feelings the quicker things happen.
40. Size is nothing to the universe (unlimited abundance if that's what you wish). We make the rules on size and time.
41. No rules according to the universe-you provide the feelings of having it now and the universe will respond.
42. Most people offer the majority of their thought in response to what they are observing (bills in the mail, being late, having bad luck, etc.)
43. You have to find a different approach to what is through a different vantage point.
44. "All that we are is a result of what we have thought" - Buddha
45. What can you do right now to turn your life around?? Gratitude.
46. Gratitude will bring more into our lives immediately.
47. What we think about and THANK about is what we bring about.
48. What are the things you are grateful for?? Feel the gratitude-focus on what you have right now that you are grateful for.
49. Play the picture in your mind - focus on the end result.
50. VISUALIZE!!! Rehearse your future.
51. VISUALIZE!!! See it, feel it! This is where action begins.
52. Feel the joy-feel the happiness! :o)
53. An affirmative thought is 100 times more powerful than a negative one.
54. "What this power is, I cannot say. All I know is that it exists." Alexander Graham Bell.
55. Our job is not to worry about the "How". The "How" will show up out of the commitment and belief in the "what."
56. The 'How's' are the domain of the universe. It always knows the quickest, fastest, most harmonious way between you and your dream.
57. If you turn it over to the universe, you will be surprised and dazzled by what is delivered-this is where magic and miracles happen.
58. Turn it over to the universe daily-but it should never be a chore.
59. Feel exhilarated by the whole process-high, happy, in tune.
60. The only difference between people who are really living this way is they have habituated ways of being.
61. They remember to do it all the time.
62. Create a Vision Board-pictures of what you desire to attract-every day look at it and get into the feeling state of already having acquired these desires.
63. "Imagination is everything. It is the preview of life's coming attractions." Albert Einstein.
64. Decide what you desire-believe you can have it, believe you deserve it, believe it's possible for you.
65. Close your eyes and visualize having what you already desire - and the feeling of having it already.
66. Focus on being grateful for what you have already-enjoy it!! Then release into the universe. The universe will manifest it.
67. "Whatever the mind of man can conceive, it can achieve." W. Clement Stone
68. Set a goal so big that if you achieved it, it would blow your mind.
69. When you have an inspired thought, you must trust it and act on it.
70. How can you become more prosperous?? INTEND IT!!
71. "Checks are coming in the mail regularly," or change your bank statement to whatever balance you desire, and get behind the feeling of having it.
72. Life is meant to be abundant in ALL areas.
73. Go for the sense of inner joy and peace then all outside things appear.
74. We are the creators of our universe.
75. Relationships: Treat yourself the way you desire to be treated by others-love yourself and you will be loved.
76. Healthy respect for yourself.
77. For those you work with or interact with regularly-get a notebook and write down positive aspects of each of those people.
78. Write down the things you like most about them (don't expect change from them). Law of attraction will not put you in the same space together if your frequencies don't match.
79. When you realize your potential to feel good, you will ask no one to be different in order for you to feel good.
80. You will free yourself from the cumbersome impossibilities of needing to control the world, your friends, your mate, your children.
81. You are the only one that creates your reality.
82. No one else can think or feel for you-its YOU-ONLY YOU.
83. Health: thank the universe for your own healing. Laugh, stress free happiness will keep you healthy.
84. Immune system will heal itself.
85. Parts of our bodies are replaced every day, every week-etc. Within a few years we have a brand new body.
86. See yourself living in a new body. Hopeful = recovery. Happy = happier biochemistry. Stress degrades the body.
87. Remove stress from the body and the body regenerates itself. You can heal yourself.
88. Learn to become still-and take your attention away from what you don't desire, and place your attention on what you wish to experience.
89. When the voice and vision on the inside become more profound and clear than the opinions on the outside, then you have mastered your life.
90. You are not here to try to get the world to be just as you desire it. You are here to create the world around you that you choose.
91. And allow the world as others choose to see it, to exist as well.
92. People think that if everyone knows the power of the LOA there won't be enough to go around. This is a lie that's been ingrained in us and makes so many greedy.
93. The truth is there is more than enough love, creative ideas, power, joy, happiness to go around.
94. All of this abundance begins to shine through a mind that is aware of its own infinite nature. There's enough for everyone. See it. Believe it. It will show up for you.
95. So let the variety of your reality thrill you as you choose all the things you desire and get behind the good feelings of all your desires.
96. Write your script. When you see things you don't desire, don't think about them, write about them, talk about them, push against them, or join groups that focus on them-remove your attention from 'don't desires'… and instead place them on 'do desires'.
97. We are mass energy. Everything is energy. EVERYTHING!!!
98. Don't define yourself by your body......it's the infinite being that's connected to everything in the universe.
99. One energy field. Our bodies have distracted us from our energy. We are the infinite field of unfolding possibilities-The creative force.
100. Are your thoughts worthy of you? If not - NOW is the time to change them. You can begin right where you are right now. Nothing matters but this moment and what you are focusing your attention on.

Dinner with Harry

2007-03-04T16:47:00.000-05:00

I went to dinner on Friday night in Manhattan with Harry, who I am so very drawn toward. We have danced around each other since July 2005. He has drama, and in a far different way than mine. And yet, I can’t help wanting to be with him. It’s very difficult to know, deep down in your soul, that someone really should be with you, only to also understand that it may never actually happen.

Harry notices things. Immediately he noticed the little diamond on the side of my nose and then commented on my hair color. We see each other so infrequently that I’m amazed he even remembered what my hair looked like, let alone noticed that it was a little different in color. He pays attention to things that I’ve said or written, and then asks about them. The key words here are “pays attention.” How nice to have someone hear and see you. It’s one of the most amazing things that has happened to me in the past few years….to have this remarkable man see me and to know that I too, can see him.

Harry and I had dinner at a Thai restaurant and I managed to eat the entire meal with chopsticks. I’ve realized that if you’re going to live in the city, then you have to master the art of eating with two wooden sticks. And I did it! And it was fun. We took our time, we shared an appetizer and two entrée’s and even ordered chocolate soufflé to share for dessert. We both love chocolate and yet the most appealing thing for me was the fact that it was going to take a half hour to make. One more half hour, spent sitting across from Harry.

After dinner we walked down 7th Avenue, through Times Square and all the way to Penn Station. Walking with Harry feels right. It feels as if he has always belonged next to me. Either holding hands or my arm though his, we walked right next to one another with him singing an old Supreme's song as we navigated the crowded Friday evening sidewalk. And I tried hard not to think about the “saying good-bye” part. Even though he promised that we would see each other sooner, rather than later.

The “good-bye” part….always sweet and poignant in so many ways. Feeling his arms around me, feeling his mouth on mine and having such a hard time letting him go….not knowing what, if anything, will happen for us next….and yet for the first time, receiving just a little tiny bit of encouragement from him in the form of four words.....

“Maybe I’ll surprise you,” he said.

Please, please Harry….surprise me.

The paint on my walls

2007-02-16T21:45:00.000-05:00

While in Home Depot yesterday to buy ice melt, a bag of potting soil and a flower pot in which to put the soil, I took a stroll through the paint department. I found the color paint I am going to paint my bedroom walls in my new apartment…..the one that I don’t have just yet. I know it’s coming. I’m visualizing it all the time. The paint is called Pink Sunset and it’s beautiful and looks just like it sounds. I can see it on my walls right now. I’m going to tack this little paint sample along my doorway so that I can see it as I go in and out and continue to visualize this one room in my life… the way that I want it to be.